January 4, 2014

Christmas and then Some

Ahhh, Christmas Morning We have the early morning excitement, the destruction of the living room, the bouncing from one toy to another, the fights and brawls over the toys we stupidly only bought one of and then the calmness that comes, it can be refreshing to some, but this year, for me, it was an emotional breakdown! I have been sick since Saturday with a fever and a nasty dry cough that at any minute, I feel, could produce a lung between my lips. I think I am a lil on the emotional side, not only because I am sick, but because I'm really missing my Brayden and Kenadi this year. I miss them all the time, but last year I fared pretty well during Christmas. It was a happy time and we enjoyed it with the kids and there didn't seem to be any tears, but this year, it's harder. Monday night, we were staying at my parents house in Opp and I ended up having to take Atlas to the ER around 9pm for some croup issues. I left the nebulizer in Dothan because he wasn't sick when we left Sunday. I went in hopes to get him a breathing treatment and maybe a shot of steroids to help "kick" that mess on out of his system. They were pretty quick to get us back, led us right to the room that brought back a flood of emotions. The room in which the news was given to me that my Kenadi Reese had passed away. Walking in to the room with Atlas, I tried to forget about it and push aside the thoughts, I did good. Made it about 15 minutes in there, saw the nurse, saw the dr, did a breathing treatment, then there was a break, in that break Atlas was getting restless so I walked him to the doorway and as I started back in, I was reminded of my sunglasses sitting on the counter by the sink, I remembered that I left them at the hospital that day, I remembered the faces I saw that moment that the worst news was delivered to me, the shock. All those feelings were so raw and I felt the warm tears streaming down my cheeks. I grabbed some paper towel and cleaned my face up, the guy then came to take us to have a chest x-ray done. I have always been the person who tucks her feelings away, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, I don't want to be vulnerable, I want to pretend it doesn't hurt. Few hours later, it came, the floodgates of my heart, I cried as I went back through the night and questioned why I didn't request a different room, I sometimes think I purposely put myself through some things to "make myself be stronger" when I know good and well that it bothers me deep inside, but it's a depth that cannot reached for the public to see, it's a place where I throw all those hurtful moments, and painful memories and then when that pit is overflowing with pain, hurt and grief, I find "my moment" and it all comes pouring out. I really don't know why I do it that way, I wish I didn't. I wish I cried when it hurt and walked away when it bothered me, spared myself from the awkwardness and the hurt when it really wasn't necessary to go through.
 This is a time of rejoicing and a time of joy and love and family time, I'm experiencing all those feelings as well, but for a minute, I just had "my moment' and my heart broke and I missed my babies. I miss them daily, but today it's just not the same without them. Enjoy each moment with your loved ones, you truly never know whether or not this might be your last Christmas together, young and old.  I completely didn't intend to have a depressing post on Christmas day, but it's real life. I am truly thankful for this season and what a blessing it is to be given a savior on this special day many years ago that would die for someone like me and love me for who I am and accept me just that way. I am thankful for the grace that covers me and the hands that catch my tears and know my heart is breaking, even when no one around me does, and  He gives me that little piece of peace that helps mend my heart knowing that one day, because Jesus was born on THIS day and lived a perfect life, to die for my imperfections so that I could spend an eternity in His kingdom where my precious Brayden and Kenadi are, waiting for me and on that day my pain will be no more. On the Other Side!

The above post is from Christmas day. My computer actually froze up before I had a chance to post and then later that night when it started working right, I didn't feel like posting it. I just read over it again tonight and there is nothing in that post that I am ashamed of, I guess just that day I felt bad for posting something depressing on what was a good day. Since that post, a terrible tragedy has happened in my hometown, a young missions pastor was killed in a skiing accident while on vacation with his family. My heart is so broken for this family, they've been through a lot already and it's just so hard to see these kind of tragic events happen to such good, Godly people. I know, firsthand, that we serve a God who can carry you through this the hurt and pain you experience in these situations. All I know to do is pray for them. My heart is also hurting for a family that lives in my neighborhood, her son is fighting for his life every minute with that horrible disease of cancer. Diagnosed at the age of 3, went through 3 years of chemo and radiation and went 2 years without it for it to show up just before Christmas this year. It breaks my heart. I cried seeing the picture his mom posted tonight, asking for prayers. She's desperate for a miracle. My heart just aches for her and her family. I'm just so heavy hearted for so many right now. Life is just so unfair, so hard for some.

I'm gonna try to work my way in to a positive post now, I am still sick, however, I did go to an urgent care this morning, was diagnosed with pleurisy and severe inflammation between my ribs on my left side, I got a nice ole shot in the hip and a z pack and praying that in a few days I won't be doubled over in pain every time I cough. We did have a great Christmas, in spite of my emotional break downs. :) The kids got lots of goodies and played SUPER hard all day with their new stuff. A lot of the stuff we got the kids this year, I bought used and was happy with that decision because we were able to get them just a little bit more by not spending the sticker on some of those bigger items. The boys got a HUGE Thomas the Train table set with a TON of tracks and trains that came with it. Asher got a Rocking Harley Davidson Motorcycle and a Nabi Jr. Tablet, Kaidi got an American Girl doll and all kinds of "cowgirl" stuff. We left the day after Christmas and spent that night at my parent's sharing Christmas with my sister's family and my parents and then left the next day for Gregg's parents house where we stayed 2 nights and actually threw Gregg an early surprise birthday party. He was completely surprised and then I surprised him again with a bowl full of sugar that had 2 tickets to the Sugar Bowl inside. We came home from his parent's Sun night and were back on the road again New Year's Day, Louisianna bound! Dropped the kids off with my parents and hit the road around 11 am. We stopped in Mobile and used a Olive Garden gift card we got for Christmas and then made another stop in Biloxi at the Beau Rivage where I got to experience my first real casino! :) I was not a fan of it as long as the "credit" was going down, I didn't like losing my money. I quit playing for a while and after Gregg telling me that we had stuck that little bit of money aside for entertainment purposes and we were just there to have a good time I went and found a jackpot machine in which I won $48 within 10 minutes! lol I became a casino fan after that! :) I was happy to have left there and only lost about $12 for the both of us and we were there for about 2 1/2 hours. We then headed on to Slidell, where we were staying and got settled in our room then went out for dinner to Texas Roadhouse, came back to hotel and crashed! It was so good to sleep unbothered for 11 hours!! :) We woke up around 9:30 and started getting ready and drove in to New Orleans where we met some friends for lunch at a place called Mother's. It was VERY good. We all 4 got the Ferdi Special and didn't realize that we should have shared one! it was 2 huge sandwiches and a LARGE plate of fries! I ended up cutting up the 2 sandwiches we didn't even touch and make 4 doggie bags that I left at our parking place for people to pick up. After that we walked around NOLA for about 3 hours or so, we walked down Bourbon Street, made our way to the French Quarter and saw the beautiful St. Charles Cathedral. Watched an awesome "street group" perform and started to check out Cafe Du Monde, but the line was RIDICULOUS! We went to our friends hotel room and hung out for about 30 minutes before heading to Lil Gem's Saloon where we had a pregame meal with a group of friends that were all there for the game as well. It was UNREAL how many people we saw from our hometown that we knew. And to just run in to them on the crowded streets of New Orleans was bizarre! The game, obviously, didn't go our way, but we had a good time at the game and afterwards regardless, We went and got us a pizza and shared it between the 4 of us, then we hopped in and out of different places on bourbon street. The most fun we had was at a Karaoke Bar called the Cat's Meow. Seeing some of those people get up there and sing songs from "Ice Ice Baby" to "Check Yes or No" was QUITE entertaining! We left there LATE and headed to Cafe Du Monde for those Beignets  that everyone raved over. They were really good!! :) And it's funny to laugh while trying to eat one because powdered sugar "Smoke" goes flying! We had such a great time and was happy to have been able to hang out with a couple that we knew but had not really ever hung out with as a couple before so hopefully we made a lasting friendship! :) We ended up sleeping at their hotel for a few hours before getting up at 8:30 and driving to our hotel in Slidell. Napped a few more hours then got up, showered, checked out and headed for lunch. We went to a place in Slidell called LA Pines Cafe that was actually featured on Diners, Drive-In's and Dives. Our friends met us there and the food took forever and wasn't anything special, It was good, just not Triple D good, to me. After leaving there, we got on the road and actually stopped back by Beau Rivage because Gregg had 40 quarterly points that were gonna go on to his MCard the day after we left the first time so we went in and it only took about 20 minutes for us to use those 40 credits, then it was homeward bound! We got to my parent's house around 7 that night and my boys were happy to see us, Kaidi, not so much. :( She wanted a LONGER sleepover at Nana's house. lol. alot of that had to do with her big cousin being there and not wanting to leave her. Here are some photos from the past week or two. It's late and my household have all been asleep for about an hour, as much as I WANT to take my Christmas Tree down, I just think it's wiser to get some rest! :) Hope you all have a VERY Happy New Year. My verse for this year is Psalms 20:4 "May He give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed"

This is my entire family on my dad's side, minus my brother's family of 4 and one of my cousin's wife. Blessed to be able to all get together and spend some time together. 

We did not take a Christmas picture this year (I was just too sick to even care) and I decided to snap this on our way to Opp New Year's Day so that I could at least say Happy New Year from our little Ramer Bunch! :)
Eating our beignets at Cafe Du Monde around 4am! lol :)
Also forgot to add that Atlas got his first haircut! :) 18 months old and I finally had to give in :( He does look mighty handsome now, but no more curls :(
This pic was taken after we got home from the barber shop. I let the kids play out back while I got lunch ready and this is what I looked out the back window to see, they had gotten in the "beach box" and Asher had dumped GOBS of wet sand all over Atlas' head! I decided to capture the moment instead of scold, they were just being boys! :)

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