August 2, 2013

4 Years... Really?

As I sit here and stare at this page, I am thinking of where to start. The anniversary of the twins accident and Kenadi's death was Monday and the anniversary of Brayden's death was Tuesday. Today, however, is a day not many people think about, but to me, it was the last time I ever saw Brayden and Kenadi. I remember the closing of the casket, crystal clear in my memory. I remember standing there, numb to what was happening, I remember Gregg turning to Carrel and asking him, "Does it ever get any easier?" and he replied, "No son, it doesn't.". I remember leaving that room and walking out the doors and seeing hundreds of faces staring at us... Looking to see what our faces would show. I always felt like I was a ticking time bomb around people. Like they were always watching to see if I was gonna blow up in tears or something. The eyes tell it all, and when some people looked at me, I felt more pain for them from looking at them than I did looking inside myself. That's the power of God. So many times I heard, I don't know that I could make it if this happened to me. You know, I am sure I made that comment before this tragedy struck my family too. I remember seeing tragedy before my own and wondering, Wow, how do they make it. How do you pick up the pieces and try to start a new normal. Never DREAMED I would experience it two-fold. It rips your life apart. It's dark and it's painful and it reaches a deep part inside of you that you didn't even know existed. It's nowhere near easy and there are days when you just wanna have a pity party and let the world cave in around you. Grief can consume you, if you let it. Through lots of prayer and reading God's word do I find those sustaining truths that carry me through the tough days. He is God of comfort, God of Peace, God of refuge, My Redeemer. I think about the name "Author and perfecter of my faith" and does it ever ring true to my life. When I lost Brayden and Kenadi, my life, physically, emotionally and spiritually, was rocked. It's easy to ask WHY and question God's goodness. Hate His plan and scream at Him for taking them away from me. Trying to reason with myself and tell Him that He didn't understand because He only lost one child. I remember laying in the floor crying that one day, probably several times and as I pulled out of that anger I realized how good He was. How daily he loses a child, several children. Those that do not chose to accept Jesus as their savior and suffer in hell for that decision. He wants us all to live in Heaven eternally with Him, and how selfish was I thinking that He couldn't possibly understand how I felt. He was the author and perfecter of my faith. I learned to trust His word and lean on Him for comfort. I learned that He was there, always.
 Now let me jump ship of this and share my conversation with my precious Kaidi. She was using the bathroom today and I was in there trying to get the boys out of the way and she was kicking her little feet and I said, "are you done, baby?" and she says, "No, Mama, I was singing a song about Brayden and Kenadi!" I reply, "Really? Will you sing it again for me?" I move to the side of the tub and find a seat while she twirls toilet paper around her finger. "No, Mama, I am too tired and I'm trying to poo poo! But it was about them at the beach and now they are in Heaven because they got in Nanas pool without help and died and they live up in the sky.". My eyes start filling with tears and she asks me why I am sad. I explained to her that I really missed them and how I wished she could have met them and how big they would be now and how much fun they would all be having driving Mama crazy. She then told me, "Mama, it's ok because one day we are gonna go up and see them in Heaven, they won't come back down here." I told her 3 times in a row, "You are so special and God sent you to mama and daddy at the perfect time!" I wanted her to hear that over and over again. I cannot tell you the things this child has done to heal the cracks and holes in our shattered hearts. She is such a Godsend and has blessed so many lives by her contagious smile and precious words that literally prick the heart. She helps me remember how special Brayden and Kenadi were. I see so much of both of them in her. I am thankful for the 2 years and 2 months that God gave me those precious babies. They changed my life. They changed my life while they were alive by molding me into the carefree mother I am and I have been changed after their death. I have become a woman of strength who truly knows what faith and hope are all about.
I want to say thank you to all of you who have prayed for my family over the past 4 years. Thank you for calling out to God on our behalf and keeping us constantly in your thoughts. On our tough days and on just regular days. The power of prayer is moving and I am thankful for it. I have developed friendships with people at just the right times. Even if it was just for a moment, it was for a reason and I never forget the impact different people have had on our lives and in our grieving. 
I feel like I say this often, but I'm hoping to blog more, maybe you will see more out of me in the future. :) July was a ROUGH month for me. I was sick for 3 weeks and in and out of doctor's offices and hospitals. Didn't know Mono could be SO tough to deal with. Thankfully I am back to normal now and looking forward to hitting August wide-open! :) Have a blessed weekend. I plan to do absolutely NOTHING for once this weekend... well, we do have a double date with some friends of ours planned for dinner at Olive Garden and Red 2 tomorrow night, so other than that, NOTHING! :)

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:21-23

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