6 Years ago today my life was completely changed. I remember the night I went in to labor like it was yesterday. I will never forget how excited and nervous we were to be becoming parents! It was the greatest feeling in the world. I knew those two babies were special, but I never imagined the plan God had for them and for us when He chose us to be their parents and them our children. I miss them so much and I long for the day when we are reunited in my Saviors presence. When my tears are wiped away, all my hurt is gone and I hold my precious babies in my arms. It is so hard to believe that I have now passed twice the birthdays without them that I was able to celebrate with them. They are so special and I know that there are several lives touched and changed because of my sweet babies. I am a changed life. I am beyond blessed to have been Brayden and Kenadi's mother. I am incredibly thankful to have shared 2 precious, fun filled, loving and wild years with these two. For anyone who knew my babies, you know how great they were. How sweet they were. How well behaved and mannered they were. How strong they were. They were so good. I am so thankful for the time I had with them. For any of you thinking that the years get easier, they don't. It's only more time. More time since I last saw them, More time to think about what we would be doing if they were here, more time to realize that as much as I want my life to be "normal" there is no such thing as normal and life doesn't get any easier, only longer. That's really the only way I can describe it. There are times, when I lay in bed at night and I think of them and there is a complete emptiness inside me.. I can't reach any thing.. and i know that may sound strange, but it's painful... it's like you are falling down a hole and you are trying to reach for a positive memory, a happy time but you are falling deep and the memories that you are searching for are empty... and then I find myself trying to remember to breathe... and it grabs so deep inside my heart that I truly feel an ache, a yearning for my children... for the lives that I dreamed of and hoped for when they came in to this world.. I hope this doesn't become too depressing, but this is a hard day.. and I think I deserve to have a hard day!! I push back and fight the hurt all the time.. If I wanna have a bad day and let it all out, and you don't want to read it, close the page and find something more uplifting.. I don't want to hear that I need to be strong for my other children because I am BEYOND strong for them. I don't want to hear that I need to move on because I will NEVER leave them behind.. I don't want to hear that things will get easier, because unless you have seen your child or children lifeless on a table in front of you and you had to make funeral arrangements and watch a casket door close over a life that was cut too short, that should have been me before them, that was so unfair, you do NOT have any right to tell me that it will get easier. (*Stepping down off soapbox now) I told myself when I started this post that I was going to try to keep it positive, that's hard.. This is not really a day of celebration for us... I mean it is, in a way, but it's hard to call it that because as much as we want to celebrate the lives of our children, we selfishly want them here so the hurt outweighs our "celebration side" and it makes it difficult to be all "chipper". I really don't know what we are doing today for their birthday. We are heading to Opp. I made floral arrangements to take to their headstone and I am thinking about getting some balloons for the kids to send up to them. They're getting older and Kaidi understands a little. The best she can. I think they would like to participate in a "birthday" for them. It's so hard.. When I look back at the life that Brayden and Kenadi had, I am thankful that I can smile. I have THOUSANDS of pictures that remind me of all the wonderful times we had together. Pictures that remind me of how much those babies lived their short little lives to the fullest. Pictures that make me smile. Pictures that make me cry. Pictures that mean the world to me because I feel like they are all I have left. I soak up all I can when I look at their pictures. I study their faces and their smiles. try to remind myself how they felt in my arms. How I miss those precious babies. I know they are having some huge shindig in Heaven. God knows how I like to plan a party and I know He is not disappointing me! :) Can't wait until I get to share a day with them in Heaven. Happy Birthday Brayden. Happy Birthday Kenadi. You are loved, and you are greatly missed. Can't wait to be reunited with you. On the Other Side!