July 29, 2011

2 Years

I am laying here in bed. It's a little after midnight and I am finding it so hard to believe that it has been 2 years since I last held my babies. Since I last held their hands and brushed their hair out of their faces. Since I last kissed them goodnight and had them tell me they loved me. I have this hurting inside that is impossible to describe. I try, I am trying to keep my mind preoccupied with everything else that I don't think about what today is, that I don't think about the fact that Brayden and Kenadi climbed in to a pool and drowned 2 years ago today. I was looking at some pictures the other day of the twins and it hit me. Seeing my nieces and how much they have grown up and when I look at pictures of B&K, they are still just babies. They will always be babies. I asked Gregg the other night if he thought the same way I do when people say,"Don't you wish they could just stay little forever" when talking about new babies and how precious they are at that stage.. I always want to answer, "no, I want them to grow up and live long, healthy, happy, successful lives. I want them to go to kindergarten and ride a bike and have a first date and go to prom and graduate high school and go to college and get married and have kids and grow old.. very old!" but I know that when people say that they mean nothing by it at all and it's just a "figure of speech" i guess. Anyway. This isn't going to be much because I am tired and will have to get up in probably an hour or so to nurse Asher. Just had a little bit of emotion that I needed to get out. If you are reading this and are able to go and donate blood today. Please do so in memory of Brayden and Kenadi. There are 3 different drives that are going on tomorrow. One is in Opp at LBWCC in the conference center from 11-6. One is in Andalusia from 9-3 at Superior Bank and there is also one going on at my brother's church (Piney Grove Baptist) in Ardmore, Alabama (just outside of Hunstville) it is from 12:30-6. You can also go to any Red Cross Donation site and tell them that you want to donate to the Ramer Twins Memorial Blood Drive and they should be able to count it towards our drive. Thanks to everyone who is helping with the drive and volunteering. Also want to thank all of you who bought blood drive t-shirts.

11 comments:

Doug & Anna said...

Meredith, just want you to know that I think the exact same way when people talk about babies staying little. Praying for you and Gregg.

Karol said...

I sit here staring at the screen, knowing full well that there is not one single word that can bring you comfort. So I will pray for you and Gregg and the rest of your families, most especially their sweet grandma. I told someone a few days ago that I have come to a point of knowing that I will hurt for the rest of my days. 2 years does not make it any easier. Yet I know and cling to the truth....that one day we both will see our sweet babies again. One day Kaidi and Asher will meet their big bother and sister.
Praying for all.

Leza said...

Meredith, I pray for you guys all the time. I found your blog shortly before your lost the twins and I remember reading your story and crying so many tears. I can never imagine your pain, but I know you are a christian and are comforted by God's hands. When I am no longer pregnant I promise to donate blood in the twins' names. I pray you find peace over the years and are comforted with memories for a lifetime. God bless!

Mary Ann said...

Thinking of you today!

Our Journey said...

I just want to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you and your family each and everyday, but especially today. I never can say I will ever understand what you are going through. I do want to say that your courage, strength and faith inspires me.

Jodi said...

Meredith and Gregg,

I am holding you both up in prayer today...asking the Father to comfort you as only He can.

I'm praying you are reunited soon with your beautiful children...that HE comes soon!

Blessings,
Jodi

Shannon said...

Bless you. I mean that! I have to agree with you that you do want your children to grow up and be old, not stay babies forever. Though there are still days I want my one surviving child to never grow up (because I want him here with me, not moving out--LOL), I want him to grow up to enjoy and experience the things of which I have myself. With that said, I think that we have to face these anniversaries, not ignore them. And I agree with Karol, that it will hurt for the rest of our lives. Two years doesn't make it any better or lessen the hurt. We just learn, by the grace of God, to live the "new normal" but we are forever changed. I am praying for you. God bless you and Gregg.

Ellen said...

Prayers are being lifted for you and your precious little family ! I know there is not a single word that I can offer to give you any peace but we know the ONE who can!!!
I pray that HE will wrap HIS LOVING HEALING ARMS around All of you and give you HIS PEACE !!!
God Bless you,
G-mommy E

Niki said...

I want you to know that I'm thinking of and praying for you and Gregg today. Before reading your post,I had just written a post on my twin boys whom are 3 months old. I said in the post that I wish I could hit a pause button b/c I feel like time just flies and I don't want to miss a second or rush their life away. But I am careful to chose my words b/c I do want them to live a LONG, HEALTHY and full life...I get so busy with all 4 kids and I feel like they grow so fast that I miss moments with them sometimes. I often think of you every time I think I want to say or I hear others say "I wish they could stay babies" b/c I know you'd give anything to have your two babies back to watch grow old. I wish that were possible for you. I pray you find peace today. Love on Miss Kaidi and Mr. Asher as much as you can as I am sure you already are. ((HUGS))

Barb said...

Awww Meredith...........God bless your hurting Mommy heart. One day all your pain will be gone when you go to be with the Lord yourself. God Himself will wipe every tear from your eyes and you will once again be reunited with your precious, precious children. I'm sure Brayden & Kenadi will have lots to tell you & show you as they each grab a hand and march you down the streets of gold telling everyone along the way that this is their Mom........see we told you how pretty she is!!!

God bless.

Sara said...

So glad so many came out to honor your sweet babies!

Speaking of babies...congratulations on sweet Asher. He is just too cute.