May 15, 2011
It's been days, weeks even since I have cried so much. I heard the above song on the way to pick up Kaidi Friday afternoon and it's completely beautiful. I found it on youtube tonight and it moves me even the 4th and 5th time that I listen to it. I was catching up on some other bloggers recent posts and on Kelly's Korner blog, she uploaded a video of Harper singing and at the end of the video she is singing Jesus Loves Me and it hurt so bad to hear it. How awful is that? My Kaidi has never heard her mother sing that song to her. It's too painful because it was the song I sang as my son died in my arms. I have watched the video of Brayden singing it over and over tonight. I miss him and Kenadi so much. It is so hard for me to grasp that I have passed as many birthdays without them as we celebrated with them. How can that be? How can it go by so quickly? Their life here on Earth seemed so long ago. So much has changed. I try to imagine the life we would have if they were still here. The wonderful nights with 3 kids loving on each other and all the bedtime stories and goodnight hugs and kisses. The exhausting comfort as my head hits the pillow that I managed to get the 3 of them fed, bathed and in bed. It's so hard for me not to scream WHY? And resent. Resent the people who take their kids for granted. Resent the people who neglect their children for their own selfishness. I would give anything to spend one more day with Brayden and Kenadi. To hold them and hug them and tell them how much I love them and put all other distractions and unimportant things aside and give them my full undivided attention. Give them the best I possibly could for 24 hours. I'm leaving it at that tonight.