December 5, 2010

I sit here in tears. I miss them so much. In Sunday school this morning, Mr. Miller asked the class, "If we could ask God for one thing, what would it be?" typical answer: Money! The answer I wanted to say (but knew it would make the class uncomfortable) was: my kids. I wanna hold them again. I wanna squeeze them and kiss them and tell them I love them. I wanna snuggle and read them books and take all their fears away. I wanna show them how to tie their shoes and ride a bike and write their names. There is so much SO MUCH that i am missing out on with them. I know they are in a "better place" as people will tell you, thinking it will honestly make you  feel better, but just for future reference, it doesn't! Because selfishly, I want them here with me sometimes! I know they are in better hands now and I know that I will see them again someday, but some times I just wanna feel down right down! Tonight, is one of those nights. Tonight, I want them in this very room that is filled with boxes and a computer. Tonight I want their mess all over the house and their handprints all over my fridge. Oh God, my prayer is to please give me a good dream of them tonight. To just give me one taste of Heaven in my sleep. To wake up with a smile because I saw them happy and smiling. Oh how I miss them.

11 comments:

Kylie and crew. said...

I'm praying that you get your dream tonight. It's OK to feel down, and it's OK to want them out of heaven and with you. I want that for you!! I do not understand this loss but I do know that you are a wonderful Mama. I'm praying for abundant blessing in your life....from dreams of B and K, to financial blessing, to more children.....and for the dreams of your heart.

Cassandra said...

I so get you! This is the feeling that only a parent who has lost a child really gets. I have spent last couple days in tears. and It has been six years now. Sometimes the feelings just up and suprise you. Kia Kaha! ( be strong) Arohanui ( much love) Cassandra

Karol said...

Praying for you and understanding your pain.
I hope that this realization that I came to a few months ago can bring you some comfort.

http://lovinglaynee.blogspot.com/2010/09/missing-nothing.html

Karen said...

Though nothing can ease your pain, please know that I amd many are praying for you. I don't know you, buy you are often in my thoughts and prayers. Your sweet angels must surely be missed by yo and I can't imagine what you wouldn't give for just one more hour with them!
If you haven't read the book, I Will Carry You by Angie Smith I would urge you to do so. Although your circumstances are quite different, you are bonded by living through the loss of a child. Her book speaks to dealing with the grief.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss!

ABandCsMom said...

I too am feeling the same way about our Carly. You sound as if you were able to hold on to your faith. Me..not so much. I'm still so angry over our loss.

About dreams; do you have dreams of them often? If so, are they happy dreams? I dream of Carly often, but sadly they are horrible, scary dreams. I would love to just dream a wonderful dream of her. Just once.

Think of you often and you still blow me away with you ability to get through this horrific time in your life.

I remember reading about the twins shortly after Hell had its fury over your family. I remember thinking I wouldn't be able to go on if anything ever happened to one of my kids. Well..here I am. A member of a club I NEVER dreamed I would be part of; the bereaved parents club.

Again, I do admire you and how you've coped. Although, I get it, I so get it. Those down days are terrible. Almost unbearable.

Heather said...

It was good seeing you and Ms. Kaidi (she is soooo precious)this weekend. Praying for you and the whole family, I now things are so hard for you all.

Heather from Ontario Canada said...

(((hugs)))

Shannon said...

You don't know me, but we have a lot in common...loss of a child through similar circumstances, and the love of the Lord. I stumbled upon your blog a couple weeks ago, and cried and cried. Or son Ethan has been with the Lord for 6 months now. I cannot fathom losing two precious children at the same time. My heart aches alongside you. Your desire to have your babies back is only human, and Jesus totally understands that. Lord, help us all through the holidays...those of us who grieve and mourn. AMEN

Love,
Shannon

www.wallacefamilyhomeschool.blogspot.com

p.s.: I've been asking God for a dream with Ethan. I'm still waiting. I hope your dream comes true soon!

Kayla said...

There's simply nothing to say..I believe your feelings are justified and I don't think God would mind you having them. It shows how much you love your children and long to have them here on Earth. I'll be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed for good dreams to come your way!

Mary Ann said...

Bless your dear heart.....I don't have the words to help your hurting heart, so I offer to pray to the one that can soothe the hurt away.

Of course I don't know you, but I can feel your pain. and I want you to know, I do care that your hurting. God bless you.

Jenifer's Journey said...

My heart brakes for you and I am so sorry even tho I know you probley are sick of hearing that...