June 11, 2010

Blogger's Block

Gregg informed me tonight that I needed to do a new blog post. That it has been too long since my last post and it was time I did a new one. WOW! :) Gregg has just recently started following my blog and now I swear he checks it everyday, or asks me, "did you do a blog post today?" It's funny to me. Honestly though, I have had nothing to talk about. Just really haven't been in a "blogging" mood. Been pretty sad lately. Of course I have always had some ups and downs, but seems like I am in a little bit of a slump. My days go on like normal, but I feel like I am on the outside just watching it go by ever so slowly. Sure the reality has hit me of the kids, but it has really sunken in over the past few weeks. It's been a month now since their third birthday, and we are little over a month away from the anniversary of their deaths. Mother's Day has come and gone, Father's Day is approaching. We are participating in the baby dedication at church this Sunday and I am a little... I guess apprehensive... with how that is going to go. I am excited about it, but then I am a little uneasy. I wish B&K were here. I cannot tell you how much I miss them. I think of them constantly and how our lives would be SO much different if they were here. Gregg and I were so happy before. We had a good life. Our life is good now with Kaidi but it's so hard to be happy when you are so sad. Sure we have happy moments. Times of laughter and smiles. Good times with friends. But there is a huge hole inside my heart and in Gregg's heart. It feels like a huge lump in my throat. Even a slight pain in my chest sometimes. Like the pain is not only emotional. It's physical. It effects me all around. It reaches to the bottom of my stomach and I am sick at the thought of my life without them. It's so hard to describe how I feel. I have been going through a pile of their things tonight. I am having a yard sale this weekend and I am trying to straighten up one of the spare bedrooms. It's full of boxes with all kinds of odds and end and it is difficult to not engulf myself in all of their things since I am in a room full of them. I got upset reading a book on grief that some of the local business sent to us in memory of B&K. That's why I am here on the internet, trying to get my mind off of them so that I can continue working on this yardsale stuff.. I hope that I do well at this yard sale. I would love to buy an area rug for our living room so Kaidi will have something soft to roll around on instead of  a layer of blankets. There are so many things we want to do to our new house, but we are doing it slowly but surely. One thing at a time. Our biggest project right now is the outside. We are ready to get our driveway paved, the yard sodded and seeded and some landscape across the front. We are itching to buy some white rockers for our front porch, but that may have to wait a little bit. Everything is so expensive! Dining room and office are still empty, and will probably be that way for a while. That's not really much of a priority, I guess. I am ready to finish my living room and get a bedroom suite for our bedroom. We still just have our bed on a frame and an old dresser my granddad built in 1979 that Gregg recently sanded and repainted. I have a few projects that I am looking forward to getting started on. Right now, we have three little rockers sitting on our front porch. They were given to us when I was pregnant with the twins. One is red, one is yellow and the other is natural. I am still trying to decide what I want to do with them. Gregg and I were talking about painting 2 pink and 1 blue and putting the kids initials on the front of each one of them. I really like that idea, but I was also thinking about just leaving them all white and maybe scripting their names across the front. I am still deciding. I also have a dresser that I am planing on redoing. I am back and forth on if I want to decoupage the drawer fronts or just paint it all black and dress it up with some nice knobs? I don't know. What I do know is that I have a can of primer that is about to get used! :) Anyway.. This is a roller coaster blog post. I do want to share some pics of sweet Kaidi. She is sitting up so well now and we gave her her first big tub bath tonight and she absolutely loved it. She did fall back one time and I caught her and lowered her down in to the water and she played laying down in the water for about 15 minutes kicking and splashing. She cried so hard when we got her out and started getting her dressed. It was pitiful! Guess I have another water baby! :) I guess they get that from me! :)
Blowing Raspberries! :) (her new trick)


Robyne said...

Hi! We first met on BBC months ago. I just wanted to say I think of you often and find myself praying for your family frequently. I can't imagine the grief you feel but I do know God understands and that he will never leave you. You are amazingly strong and are such an encouragment! Oh and my little girl's name is Kennadi Reese! May God continue to bless you!

Heather said...

Kaidi is sooooo cute!!!! She is a sweetie!

Josh and Lyndsay said...

It is so funny that you commented on my blog. I have been following your blog for quite sometime now. My mom always ask me if I have read your blog. Kaidi is precious!! I loving seeing how much Ella and her are alike. It's so neat that they share the same birthday and actually not but a few minutes apart (I think!!) :)
Hope you have a great weekend!

Unknown said...

When I stumbled upon your blog, soon after the loss of the twins. I was floored at how well you seemed to be doing. I was in awe of you and your husband. How you could get up and put one foot in front of the other and go on each day. I thought you and your husband must be two of the strongest people on the planet.

April 23, we suffered a sudden, unexpected loss of our 8 year old daughter. We are now waiting for an autopsy report to see what was determined to be the cause of death.

My husband and I struggle each day. I barely can get out of bed. I can't bring my self to eat. Food tastes disgusting to me.

As I read your posts, I realize that whether we like it or not, our life will go on with out our daughter. However, we can not get over the angry feelings we have toward God. Oh my gosh, we are VERY angry!

I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be walking a path very much the same as you are walking, when I first found your blog. I try to keep in mind all that you have shared from the loss of your twins. And I take away quite a bit of your posts and hold them very near to me each day. Your words, even from the past have touched my heart. Knowing that you and your husband are able to go on makes me hopeful. Because honestly, some days, I would just as soon not go on.

Thank you for sharing your story. Although I wished I would have found your blog in a much different manner. I admire your strength during the most gut wrenching time in your life.


Courtney said...

I feel the same way about getting things for a new house. Everything is SO expensive, and things you want are all "upgrades" when it comes to building.
Kaidi is precious! Praying for you guys.

Sara said...

I know what you're saying. Grieving is so exhausting. It's so hard to be happy when the beat of your heart is in a sad place. So much to be thankful for, yet so much to miss. It's so hard. ((((Meredith)))) I'm further ahead of you, almost 4 years now which seems impossible, but that's what the calander says. Life goes on. Babies get bigger. Life changes. You move to a new house (we did too) and the rest of the world sees your progress...it's aweinspiring. People that don't know always comment on how they couldn't, wouldn't be able to move on. Mostly you don't have a choice. You wake up the day after and find yourself still breathing. Before you know it, it's been a month since you held them last...then two months...soon a year. My other children have grown past him, celebrating birthdays he never got to experience. I even have children he never met, which seems impossible. He's still here, if only in the way that my heart aches when I realize it's time to face another day without him. It's terrible isn't? And you want to tell someone right, someone who doesn't get it how awful it is but realize your wasting your breath. They mostly just feel pitty for you which is terrible, I feel really lucky to have had him, even if I had to lose him. I don't feel sorry for me that he lived and then died, I feel sorry for him, so so sorry. It sucks to realize you can't control everything no matter how hard you try. I don't know, does the fear consume you? Are you constantly in a tissy worrying that something will happen to sweet Kaidi. I feel like losing him changed the kind of mother I am, as now I helicopter my kids, terrified by what might happen if I'm not RIGHT there...my baby ate a leaf the other day and I paniced...what if it's poisenous. Before, I would have laughed, it's just a leaf.

How's your mother? Did she ever sale her home?

Unknown said...

As always, you are in my prayers. I think of you and G and K, So so so so often.
May God continue to hold you tightly in his arms.

Much love,