I feel as though I am a mixture of emotions today. I don't feel any particular way. It's odd. I don't really know how to explain it. I have Brayden and Kenadi on my mind a lot. I miss them. I am not believing it's been 10 months. I swallow back the realization of that all the time. I went to the old house the other night to try to clean and pack up some more things and being there was difficult. I took all the "ABC" magnets off of the refrigerator and the pictures from VBS last year of Brayden and Kenadi. I also still had a folded piece of notebook paper on the fridge. It had scribble marks all over it from Kenadi. I remember jotting down those recipes and holding her in my lap at the computer and she had a pen and she was "jotting down" some too. :) It had the recipe to Poppy Seed Chicken on it. The last meal I cooked my sweet Brayden and Kenadi. It was such a good night, that night. I am sure I have told this on here before, but I want to tell it again. I want to remember every minute of that night. Brayden fell asleep in the car on the way home from Gregg's grandparents house and so when we got home, Gregg got Brayden and rocked him for a while in the living room while I got stuff going for supper.. Kenadi had grabbed her plastic high heels and was prancing all through the kitchen. I had to help her a few times because the shoes were sliding all over the floor. I poured a sleeve of ritz crackers in to a zip lock back and put it in another zip lock bag and grabbed Kenadi and we went to the twins little table in the living room and I sat her down and gave her the bag of crackers and a can of soup and told her to beat the crackers. She pounded away on those crackers for 10-15 mins. She was such a good helper. I miss her in my kitchen. I imagine Brayden and Kenadi running all through our new house. The original plans for our house was that B&K would share a room and we would have a nursery for Kaidi.. the room that Kaidi is in now was going to be the playroom... We were going to put Kaidi and Kenadi together when the twins got about 5. They loved being in the same room with each other. They were so close. There was a love between them that I could never explain. It was special. They were special. They were good kids. I appreciated that about them so much. They were easy to take in public (98% of the time). They minded well. They shared well. They were such a blessing. Here are some of my favorite pictures of the two of them together. There are a lot because when all you have left is pictures, they are all your favorite!
This is from the 4th of July last year. 3 weeks before they died.
This was when they were still in cribs. We put their cribs back to back just to let them be close to each other. Once we broke them down to toddler beds, we couldn't keep them out of each other's beds.
Brayden loved her so much from the very beginning he knew he had to protect her. :)
First trip to the beach. November 2007.
They got this little car from Addison for Christmas. They loved it. I love this because Kenadi is licking Brayden's face. She loved to taste/lick everything.
Helping me make pancakes.
Helping me bake Gregg a birthday cake.
They spent many of their nights laying on this couch watching Barney, Dora or The Backyardigans.
This was taken right before we went to the beach for the first time in 2009.
I love this picture. Gregg was taking them to church. I wasn't quite ready ready yet. When I looked out the window and saw this, I HAD to take a picture. It's so priceless to me.. As you can see Kenadi is dragging Boo bear along with her.
They loved sleeping together. We would find them like this 5 out of 7 nights a week.
I smile as I look back through this pictures. Something I do still have is Boo! I spotted him in about 4 of those pics. He is so raggedy and is missing the stuffing in his neck. I love that I kept him. We started to bury him with the twins but I told Gregg that I needed Boo more than they did. :(
I cannot explain the emotions we go through on a daily basis. Some days are good. Some days are... dull... and some days are bad... when I was at the other house the other day, I found myself angry and I was in the twins room and there were some toys in there and diaper bags, and I kicked Kenadi's baby stroller across the room, dragged the bags off the back of the door.. Sure it didn't accomplish anything at all but make a crazy mess, but I wanted to do so much more. I wake up every morning without Kenadi's sleepy smile and Brayden crying because he hates to get up in the mornings. I drop off one kid everyday instead of 3. I pick up 1 kid every afternoon instead of 3. I come home and fix supper for just me and Gregg again. When I go to the grocery store, I no longer buy cheese puffs or grape juice or "doh doh's (powdered donuts). When I go to bed at night, I tuck one baby in and not 3 I kiss one baby goodnight and not 3. Every thing reminds me of one of them, if not both. I told a friend yesterday that I was thinking how cute Kaidi was in her little hospital gown and how I had a picture of Kenadi in a hospital gown and couldn't think of Brayden ever wearing one Then it dawned on me, Brayden wore one after he died. Before we let the family back to see him, The social worker and I put a gown on him to cover his discoloration.
Oh it hurts to go back to that, to remember my lifeless son in my arms. I am so angry at myself because I didn't hold Kenadi. Why didn't someone ask me if I wanted to hold her? I regret it so much, and I know I shouldn't and that we had to leave to go with Brayden, but I could have taken a few minutes to hold her in my arms one last time on Earth. To run my fingers through her hair and tell her how beautiful and brave she was and that I will love her forever. My heart is heavy. With pain, with anger, with confusion. Why seems to be the question of the day, everyday. It's a constant struggle. Why did this happen to us. Why did we have to bury two children at one time.
I don't know if I have ever mentioned this before, but Gregg's Granny.. the one who keeps Kaidi... buried 2 children at one time. Her only daughter and one of her 3 sons were killed in a car accident together when they were teenagers. I am unsure of any more detail than that. Another tragedy that hit the Ramer family is Greggs cousin took his own life and a few years later his youngest son was killed in an accident involved with a Ranger (atv type thing). He was in elementary school. It seems to be the tragedies strike in twos. Maybe that means there will be no more tragedy to the Ramer family! I pray not! I know this post is depressing, and I am sorry. I just wanted to get out some things. There is so much more I would love to share but need to get myself together and go on with the day. I have learned that, if I wanted to fall in to a deep depression I could, but I don't want that for myself or my family. I try to keep my mind on the positive things that are going on in our life. Our beautiful, happy daugther, our lovely home, our wonderful friends, my extraordinary relationship with Gregg. There are still things that matter in life. There are things that are important and things that are not worth it. I have learned to decipher between the two and put my focus on the good stuff!