May 27, 2010

Crazy Mess

I feel as though I am a mixture of emotions today. I don't feel any particular way. It's odd. I don't really know how to explain it. I have Brayden and Kenadi on my mind a lot. I miss them. I am not believing it's been 10 months. I swallow back the realization of that all the time. I went to the old house the other night to try to clean and pack up some more things and being there was difficult. I took all the "ABC" magnets off of the refrigerator and the pictures from VBS last year of Brayden and Kenadi. I also still had a folded piece of notebook paper on the fridge. It had scribble marks all over it from Kenadi. I remember jotting down those recipes and holding her in my lap at the computer and she had a pen and she was "jotting down" some too. :) It had the recipe to Poppy Seed Chicken on it. The last meal I cooked my sweet Brayden and Kenadi. It was such a good night, that night. I am sure I have told this on here before, but I want to tell it again. I want to remember every minute of that night. Brayden fell asleep in the car on the way home from Gregg's grandparents house and so when we got home, Gregg got Brayden and rocked him for a while in the living room while I got stuff going for supper.. Kenadi had grabbed her plastic high heels and was prancing all through the kitchen. I had to help her a few times because the shoes were sliding all over the floor. I poured a sleeve of ritz crackers in to a zip lock back and put it in another zip lock bag and grabbed Kenadi and we went to the twins little table in the living room and I sat her down and gave her the bag of crackers and a can of soup and told her to beat the crackers. She pounded away on those crackers for 10-15 mins. She was such a good helper. I miss her in my kitchen. I imagine Brayden and Kenadi running all through our new house. The original plans for our house was that B&K would share a room and we would have a nursery for Kaidi.. the room that Kaidi is in now was going to be the playroom... We were going to put Kaidi and Kenadi together when the twins got about 5. They loved being in the same room with each other. They were so close. There was a love between them that I could never explain. It was special. They were special. They were good kids. I appreciated that about them so much. They were easy to take in public (98% of the time). They minded well. They shared well. They were such a blessing. Here are some of my favorite pictures of the two of them together. There are a lot because when all you have left is pictures, they are all your favorite!


This is from the 4th of July last year. 3 weeks before they died.
This was when they were still in cribs. We put their cribs back to back just to let them be close to each other. Once we broke them down to toddler beds, we couldn't keep them out of each other's beds.
Brayden loved her so much from the very beginning he knew he had to protect her. :)
First trip to the beach. November 2007.
They got this little car from Addison for Christmas. They loved it. I love this because Kenadi is licking Brayden's face. She loved to taste/lick everything. 
Helping me make pancakes.
Helping me bake Gregg a birthday cake.
They spent many of their nights laying on this couch watching Barney, Dora or The Backyardigans.

This was taken right before we went to the beach for the first time in 2009.

I love this picture. Gregg was taking them to church. I wasn't quite ready ready yet. When I looked out the window and saw this, I HAD to take a picture. It's so priceless to me.. As you can see Kenadi is dragging Boo bear along with her. 
They loved sleeping together. We would find them like this 5 out of 7 nights a week. 

I smile as I look back through this pictures. Something I do still have is Boo! I spotted him in about 4 of those pics. He is so raggedy and is missing the stuffing in his neck. I love that I kept him. We started to bury him with the twins but I told Gregg that I needed Boo more than they did. :(  
I cannot explain the emotions we go through on a daily basis. Some days are good. Some days are... dull... and some days are bad... when I was at the other house the other day, I found myself angry and I was in the twins room and there were some toys in there and diaper bags, and I kicked Kenadi's baby stroller across the room, dragged the bags off the back of the door.. Sure it didn't accomplish anything at all but make a crazy mess, but I wanted to do so much more. I wake up every morning without Kenadi's sleepy smile and Brayden crying because he hates to get up in the mornings. I drop off one kid everyday instead of 3. I pick up 1 kid every afternoon instead of 3. I come home and fix supper for just me and Gregg again. When I go to the grocery store, I no longer buy cheese puffs or grape juice or "doh doh's (powdered donuts). When I go to bed at night, I tuck one baby in and not 3 I kiss one baby goodnight and not 3. Every thing reminds me of one of them, if not both. I told a friend yesterday that I was thinking how cute Kaidi was in her little hospital gown and how I had a picture of Kenadi in a hospital gown and couldn't think of Brayden ever wearing one  Then it dawned on me, Brayden wore one after he died. Before we let the family back to see him, The social worker and I put a gown on him to cover his discoloration. 
Oh it hurts to go back to that, to remember my lifeless son in my arms. I am so angry at myself because I didn't hold Kenadi. Why didn't someone ask me if I wanted to hold her? I regret it so much, and I know I shouldn't and that we had to leave to go with Brayden, but I could have taken a few minutes to hold her in my arms one last time on Earth. To run my fingers through her hair and tell her how beautiful and brave she was and that I will love her forever. My heart is heavy. With pain, with anger, with confusion. Why seems to be the question of the day, everyday. It's a constant struggle. Why did this happen to us. Why did we have to bury two children at one time. 
I don't know if I have ever mentioned this before, but Gregg's Granny.. the one who keeps Kaidi... buried 2 children at one time. Her only daughter and one of her 3 sons were killed in a car accident together when they were teenagers. I am unsure of any more detail than that. Another tragedy that hit the Ramer family is Greggs cousin took his own life and a few years later his youngest son was killed in an accident involved with a Ranger (atv type thing). He was in elementary school.  It seems to be the tragedies strike in twos. Maybe that means there will be no more tragedy to the Ramer family! I pray not!  I know this post is depressing, and I am sorry. I just wanted to get out some things. There is so much more I would love to share but need to get myself together and go on with the day. I have learned that, if I wanted to fall in to a deep depression I could, but I don't want that for myself or my family. I try to keep my mind on the positive things that are going on in our life. Our beautiful, happy daugther, our lovely home, our wonderful friends, my extraordinary relationship with Gregg. There are still things that matter in life. There are things that are important and things that are not worth it. I have learned to decipher between the two and put my focus on the good stuff!   

20 comments:

Jen said...

I have been reading your blog ever since the twins passed away and my heart just breaks for you and your family have had endured. There is no explanation for this kind of tragedy...only God knows "why". Let me just say that I so enjoy reading about all the wonderful memories you have of the twins. It is sad, but I bet so theraptic for you at the same time. Keeping their memories alive is so important. What people don't understand, even though you have another child now, this is no way she will ever replace the twins. May there be no more tragedies... your family has had enough. May you have find some peace in your heart and soul. God Bless

Jodi said...

I understand the feelings you are having. The pain. The sadness. The guilt. But you did what you HAD to at a horrible time. Kenadi KNOWS your love for her. Without a doubt. She knew it well when she was with you, and she knows it well now....No one should have to go through what you did. And you are only making the pain worse by second guessing what happened that day.
It's normal, and human, to do it, I would too. But I pray for peace for you. You were a wonderful mother to them. You are a wonderful mother to Kaidi.
You did what you had to do in the worst circumstances imaginable.
But Kenadi was already in the arms of Jesus. She had the comfort she needed. You had to go with Brayden until he too was in the arms of his eternal Father.

I really believe Jesus was there at the time of the accident, scooping them up in His arms. Protecting and loving them. And weeping for you and Gregg and all who loved them.

I don't understand WHY it had to be this way. But I pray for you and think about you often.

Jodi

Ange said...

I have been reading your blog since the accident as well and it breaks my heart that any mother should have to lose a child, let alone two at the same time.

I am so, so sorry that this happened to them. I am so glad you have litte Kaidi to bring some happiness back to your lives.

I don't know why I decided to comment today. I just wanted you to know that there are probably alot of people reading (and crying) over your blog and thinking of you and your family that you don't even know about.

Thinking of you.

Niki said...

Oh Meredith, my heart breaks and breaks for you. There are no words. Please know that you are always in my prayers though. I'm so happy you have your blog to let your feelings out...don't ever apologize for that. I appreciate you being so open with everyone and letting us in. I love looking at the pics of B & K...you can tell the special bond they had. Keep relying on our amazing God to get you through this ~ he WILL carry you. Praying for you ~

Jen said...

I've followed your blog for a bit, but don't comment often..I just want to say that my heart is breaking for you.. their sweet pictures just show how much they loved each other...We found out several family stories after we lost our daughter that we had never known about..this grief is too heavy...for us, but not for our God..may he give you comfort as your missing your sweet babies..

Vonda said...

I think about you all the time. I just cannot imagine losing a child, and two at one time, well it's just not fair. At least Brayden is still there protecting Kenadi. They are together and I'm sure you know it's where he would want to be, will his sissy. I don't know if you've ever seen Steel Magnolias, but the scene in the graveyard when Shelby's mom gets so upset and angry because her daughter died, that is EXACTLY how I would feel, like I just wanted to HIT SOMETHING "hit something so hard until it feels as bad as I did". It has to be the worst nightmare ever.

"P" said...

I have followed your blog for several months and find that you are very courageous and loved your babies very much. I lost my oldest son almost 32 years old on 4/15/10. I have cried with you with your postings and know the pain that only another Mother that has lost feels. There are days you want to scream "why Lord, why my child." That is our human side. I know that your babies and my son are in a perfect place where there are no pain or worries, but is does not make our longing and loss any easier. I have struggled all day with, do I get flowers for his grave and my Dad's, I just put flowers on there less than a month ago and they are still pretty, then I want to scream I should not be doing this for my son. Hugs to you my friend, P

Melissa said...

I sometimes find myself wondering how you can make it through the days...but then I know exactly how! The strength of Jesus gets you through, and I am encouraged by your faith in His plan. Thank you for sharing your heart and your precious children. Praying for His strength to be made perfect in your weakness.

Victoria said...

my heart just breaks for you guys. i, too, started reading your blog after the accident.

those pictures are so beautiful, your babies sure were sweet babies and loved each other and you and gregg so much!!! kaidi is so blessed to be a part of your family!

Valerie said...

Sometimes there are not words...you're in my thoughts and prayers!

Vanessa said...

Oh hun, we don't know each other in real life so this may sound so strange coming from an absolute stranger but I have just bawled my eyes out reading this. Something about once your a momma every little baby is just like your baby and I cant imagine what you have gone through. Your sweet little babies are so very precious. I cant imagine having one single bad day with them in your life ;) I think that even though it is so hard it is great to keep remembering them and talking about them on here. It keeps their memory alive. May the thought that they are very much alive in the hands of God and that you will again be able to hold them and run your fingers through their hair and smell their sweetness bring you comfort.

P.S. My daughter licks everything as well. What is up with that? ;)

The Morris Family said...

He will continue to carry you/me through the missing, longings and wonderings. One of our 3 yr. twins with the Lord 1/23/07. He is Faithful! Like you said, some days are so heavy and some days we walk with a spring of anticipation of seeing them again and the in between time is filled with His grace to carry us. Keep trusting, hoping and staying upon Jehovah! Pray for you so often!

Cindy

Ladd Family said...

Youre sweet spirit and faithfulness inspires me. I pray a peace for you and Gregg that passes all understanding.

Laura M. said...

I'll never say to anyone that has been through something like this that I can imagine how it feels... because I can't. I am a mother of twins and do know how special that is. Mine just turned two.

My husband's brother died when he was two years old and when I hear my mother in law talk about him (now he would be 28 - my age) I still don't really get how she has "moved on." But she has gotten happiness again... a "new normal" as I'm sure you have had to look at things.

For what it is worth, you have people praying for you and your family. I hope that does bring comfort.

I am also happy to be following your blog and to see that you are keeping their memories alive and honored.

Michele said...

I have been following your blog and rarely comment but I wanted to tell you that you are always in my prayers. My heart just breaks for you. I think of you often and wonder if you are ok. My sister lost her son, he was just 65 days old, and it has been very difficult to see her in such pain. I cannot imagine the pain you feel.
I do want to say that Kaidi is just the cutest little baby. I love the pictures of her, she always looks so sweet.
God Bless You and you are always in my prayers.

The Reeds said...

Meredith,
I have spent a long time reading about you and your family tonight. My husband, Michael Reed, is from Opp, and I found your blog through Abby Presley's blog.
I will be praying for you, and although I know that's probably one of the biggest and best things I can do, it doesn't seem like enough. I can't imagine your pain. I know God gives us strength to handle anything He allows to happen to us, so God must have a lot of confidence in you.
I appreciate the honesty in your writing. You are witnessing to so many people. Thank you for sharing with us.
Love and Prayers,
April

Heather from Ontario Canada said...

My heart aches for you. May God hold you extra tight.

I'm so glad you kept Boo bear too~

Bethany said...

I've been reading your blog ever since Kelly from Kelly's Korner directed us to pray for you when you lost your beautiful twins. I've commented a few times before and felt inclined to tonight since I just finished reading your post with tears streaming down my face. I have two little girls and I think of how awful it would be to lose one child, let alone two. You are so much stronger than I could ever be. You are so incredible to be able to share these raw moments along with the happy times you have with Kaidi and Greg. I know that you already know this and have probably already been reminded many times, but God is always with you and he knows the steps our life will take well before we take them. He knew from the day that Brayden and Kenadi were conceived that their time with you would be short, but our time with God will be forever and once you get to be with your babies again it will be for ALWAYS. Those like you who lose children deal with so much grief on earth, but you will have little ones to hold in heaven. Keep smiling even during the tough days...Brayden and Kenadi would want their Mommy to enjoy life as much as possible. They are always looking down on you I'm sure, and their daddy and little sister!

Jenifer's Journey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenifer's Journey said...

I prey for you and greg and for no more tragedies ....I love see pictures of the twins and you telling us storys about them i am so so sorry