April 29, 2010

Rambling

There are so many things running through my mind this week. I feel very zombie like this week. I have had horrible dreams the past 2 nights. I would wake and run to Kaidi's room worried that something was wrong. Last night I dreamed I buried a baby. I guess with having the miscarriage on Monday has caused this but when I woke this morning I prayed for God to give me good thoughts in my sleep from now own. I have been thinking alot about the twins lately. It seems somedays I can't keep my mind off of them. It is so hard to believe their third birthday is next Sunday and they aren't here. I talked with my aunt yesterday about the flowers for their grave. Their headstone was delivered to the monument place yesterday and Gregg and I went to check on the etching. It's beautiful. The black granite is perfect with their photo on it and the vases that will go on each side are so elegant looking. I was very proud of it for them. I have decided to do gerbera daisies on their grave for their birthday. Kenadi's vase will have pink, yellow and orange and Brayden's will have red, yellow and orange. The bright colors reminded me of them and the liveliness that they once brought to our lives. I miss them so much, everyday. I love to pull up their videos and watch them over and over again and remember them. I feel as though I am forgetting them with each passing day. This 9 months is the LONGEST 9 months of my life, or at least the part without them in it is. I am sure that doesn't make sense, but Kaidi will be 5 months old Saturday and that has flown by but today marks the 9 month anniversary of the accident and it seems like ages since I held my Brayden and Kenadi. Here are my 2 favorite videos. One of Brayden, one of Kenadi. We don't have many of Kenadi but I like this one because she is so sweet in it. She called Brayden "dd" we never knew why but she says "I love dd, all the world" she says it after saying she loves her daddy, but she did Brayden on her own. :) and then the video of Brayden was just one summer day and I was trying to get him to say that I was having a girl (Kaidi). I love it because at the beginning he says "MY BABY" I will be happy to show that to Kaidi one day down the road.

video

video
April 30,
I wrote the above post yesterday and never got the videos added so I decided to add to the same post. I got a call yesterday afternoon from the monument place. The headstone was finished and he had it set up at the cemetery. I went and took a few pictures of it. The etching doesn't look just like them to me, but it's a great job. Of course, me being their mother, I can see the differences. Now we just got to get the flowers in it.

13 comments:

Anna said...

Ohhh...how I wish I could bring them back to you and make everything better. It's not God's will, but it's so hard to understand. Wishing I could reach thru the computer screen and hug you today!

Heather from Ontario Canada said...

I have no words that will make this better but ((((hugs))) to you both. May God keep holding you tight.

Erinn and Trey said...

Being a mother of a two-year-old, I simply cannot imagine your pain. My 23 year old brother in law was killed in car accident on July 25th. His funeral was right around the time of your babies accident. His birthday was also May 2nd. It will be hard to celebrate his birthday without him being here. I'll be thinking of y'all on Sunday.

Mary Ann Miller said...

The videos are so cute of the twins. I love your southern accent!! Hope each day gets a little brighter and easier for you. You did a wonderful job on the stone. It is beautiful.

Jodi said...

Oh Meredith,
That's heartbreaking to see.

It is beautiful though, the pictures are very nice.

Keep the faith, there is *hope* at the end of this journey.
You will all be toghether again.

The Pyron Family said...

Meredith,
My heart hurts for you and Gregg. I can still remember them wearing those little outfits to church that they have on in the etching on the monument. How precious they were! I will continue to pray for God's strength for you and Gregg in the month's ahead.

Misty said...

it's beautiful! Are they buried in Beulah? It looks like from the picture that they are just down the way from Madyson. She was one of the 1st on that side with a stand up headstone. I'm glad the headstone got to there before their birthday. Thinking about you as Sunday approaches. Madyson's 1st birthday was the hardest for me.

Victoria said...

Those vidoes were precious! They brought tears to my eyes.

I sure hope God gives you more happiness and blessings in your days.

Thoughts and prayers are with you, Gregg and Kaidi, always!

Emily said...

I'm sorry to hear of your miscarriage, on top of all the grief you've had to endure. The memorial stone is truly beautiful.

Praying for you.

~Em~

Cassandra said...

HI Meredith, The headstone is beautiful. I'n So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Praying for you.

Breanna said...

Oh Meredith my heart breaks for you still everytime I read your blog. But you are such an inspiration because even through your pain and heartbreak you still praise God for his goodness, and I have no doubt that he is using you and this unspeakable tragedy to touch lives. Me and my small group ladies are praying for you and you husband everyday. and I am sending you hugs and prayers now. I know that we dont know each other but you are such a blessing. Sending prayers for God's love, strength and peace to continue to cover you and your hubby.
p.s. miss Kaidi is getting so big and it just beautiful.

Jenifer's Journey said...

I just wish I could hug you and bring them back to you but I cant but I can prey and remember them

Stacy said...

Meredith,
I am just beyond words for you. I remember the day that they put Bethanie's headstone on her grave. Every birthday I tie balloons to the only piece I have left of her, that headstone. I have tears each time I read your blog, it hurts to know that another mother is going through what I felt so many years ago. Dreams....they are, to me, ways to let things out when you can't do it when your awake. 10 years after Bethanie's passing and I still have dreams..
God's love is with you dear Meredith
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee" Psalms 56:4