April 22, 2010

Headstone

I just got a call from the monument place. She said that B&K's headstone should arrive next week and it would take them another week to cut it, finish it and get it to their grave. Just in time for their birthday. That's just so unnatural to me. Instead of picking up party supplies, cake and presents, I am picking up artificial flowers to set on my children's grave for their 3rd birthday. I would much rather be taking the money we are having to pay for their headstone and buy a trampoline, a power wheels for each of them, a playhouse, a swingset and so much more. It's not right. It is so wrong. Gregg and I should have never had to make this type of purchase. It hurts, but it also angers me. At how unfair life is. How undeserving this is and how every year we will remember Brayden and Kenadi on their birthday instead of watch them blow out their candles. Yes, I question God. At least every day. I do not think there is anything wrong with that. I think, He is a big Man, He can handle it. It is also the very thing that draws me to God for hope, conviction, comfort, balance, a variety of things. I may shake my fist at him and ask why He didn't stop this, why he didn't perform the miracle of healing that I prayed so hard for. In analyzing my prayer over and over again in my head every day I come to the conclusion, God telling me, "My child I did heal them, I brought them home to Heaven where they will never suffer again." But I am too selfish and live in a world where flesh can feel more important than faith at times. I want my kids in more than just my heart and photo frames, I want them in my arms giving me bear hugs, in my car singing silly songs, in my house running around, in their beds sleeping sweetly, at our table saying the blessing. Everyone always says 'you don't know what you will miss until it is gone' . that is so painfully true. :(

12 comments:

Jodi said...

It isn't fair at all!

And I'm so sorry you have to go through it....

thinking about you, and praying...

Linda said...

I so wish there were words I could write that would take your hurt away, but I know that there are none. Instead, I'll offer you virtual hugs and real prayers. Thinking of you.

cartla2 said...

I am sorry for your loss,Satan wants you to blame God but the Bible teaches how Satan temporarily rules the world.It also teaches that God is a God of Love. If we feel so much pain when we lose a loved one it doesn't make sense that God took them.But God does promise in His Word The Bible that he will remember all who have died and bring them back to a life here on Earth to be reunited with thier loved ones in a Paradise Forever the way he originally intended it to be. We may not have to wait very long since the signs he is going to rid this world of Satan are happening now(food shortage,Earthquakes,wars etc.)we don't need to be afraid when we know what is happening,we can be excited we are closer to seeing our loved ones lost in death. You have experienced such a tragedy,I cannot even imagine or begin to even tell you i know how you feel. I will pray for you to be able to cope through such a hard time.And if you would like I can send you the Scriptures from the Bible to back up what I said in this comment.

Donna said...

I totally understand your anger! I felt that way, hating my (real life) father for years...before I finally realized that the hate did nothing to HIM but it was eating ME alive. It affected everything about me and all of my relationships. Once I let it go, I was able to be....happy.

Heather said...

Praying for you. I know it is such a hard thing to deal with, and we all wonder why our God lets the things happen that happens or why us or why someone else. Things are just hard to understand and grasp sometimes. There was a little girl on Bailey's softball team (6yrs. old) and her mom and her died in a horrific 1 car, car wreck Monday morning on the way to school.

Traci said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Life is so unfair. I think this at least once a day when I see the news of people murdering their children, etc. I can't have children & it just doesn't make sense for people that are GOOD people to have go through awful things like you're dealing with.

Momma X 4 said...

So sorry Meredith. I am still praying for you and your family. Have you heard of Angie Smith's blog (audreycaroline.blogspot.com)? She lost a child and wrote a book (I Will Carry You) about it. It is awesome! Hugs to you!! :)

Miss Em said...

You are simply amazing. So much hurt yet so much faith. I am so inspired by you. I can not say that I was that far along in my healing as you are at 9 months. I wasn't so much angry as completely broken. Then again it is the internet so we do not see your deal pain day to day. Still you inspire me. I will keep your family in my prayers. Thank you for sharing them with us. I haven't the strength to share my son yet with the world and it has been 4 years.

"P" said...

I have followed your blog for quite some time and have hurt and cried with you. I lost my son this week he would have been 32 years old on May 1. I feel the same things you have posted, why...I know he is in paradise, but I want him home with me even though I had him 32 years i just don't understand. I have been so amazed at your strength and faith, so please pray for me and my family as we pray for the loss of our son.

Marianne said...

Praying for your continued strength as you move forward. I don't know what's it's like to lose a child, much less two. You are an inspiration to many.

cartla2 said...

http://www.watchtower.org/e/20020601/article_02.htm

Barb said...

I'm so sorry Meredith. I don't know of any pain that could be worse than yours :(

I don't know why life is so unfair. My only hope is that your joy will be limitless in heaven.