March 17, 2010

Road Trip

By the time most of you read this, I will be on the road to Nashville, Tennessee! I have our bags almost packed with the exception of a pair of khakis and Kaidi's bottle stuff and I am ready to hit the road. Thank God for a tiny little global positioning system named Garmin, we should have no problem arriving to our "destination" :) I have decided to take my sewing machine with me. :) 3 days in a hotel room should account for plenty of cute little pillow case dresses.. HAHA.. we'll see! I am praying for pretty weather while we are there. Gregg won't be able to spend much time with us because he has meetings back to back until 9 o'clock each night. :( So I will have LOTS and LOTS of Kaidi and Me time! :) She is such a precious little thing! Her Shutterfly book came in yesterday and I absolutely LOVE it! :) You know, Thank God for pictures. Pictures are such an important thing to me. I feel, most of the time, that it is all I have left of Brayden and Kenadi. Pictures are the only thing that I can see that truly bring them back to life for me, at least as close to back to life as possible. Videos are wonderful too. I have a video of them that I would like to share. I am loving Kenadi's crazy, messy look in this one too. This clip just shows how much they loved each other. It's funny to me, they are singing the "I love you" song on Barney and Kenadi trys to hug Brayden a little early and he says, "no" because he knew it wasn't time for it yet. :)
Their room is a complete disaster (how it looked every night before bed) but it was cleaned every night too. I would not let them go to sleep without cleaning their room. :) I didn't want to step on a toy in the middle of the night if one of them cried out. This video reminds me of how much Kenadi loved giving kisses. She was so loving, in her own little way. For the most part, Kenadi liked to entertain herself and be to herself, but she loved climbing up in our laps sometimes and just loving on us. She had such a sweet heart. Brayden could read your feelings. It amazed me how smart he was and how he could understand when one of us didn't feel well or something. I miss them so much. Gregg had a pretty rough night tonight. Got upset while we were eating supper. He then had to leave to go take a tractor back to a friends house and I began to worry about him because it was taking so long. Ronnie called me to tell me that Gregg had left his house (this was 7:15) well by 7:30, he still hadn't got home and I began to worry. He didn't have his cell with him so I couldn't call him. I called another friend of his to see if Gregg mentioned going anywhere once he left Ronnies and he didn't know of anything. Well 7:45 roles around and I go in to complete panic. I bundle Miss Kaidi up, leave a note for Gregg in case he gets home and head to the cemetery. I knew that that would be the one place I would go if I were upset and meanwhile I am calling his 2 friends to let them know that he still hadn't made it home and that I was heading there and that I would let them know if I found him. I pull up to the cemetery, look for fresh tracks near B&K's grave and I stop my car and stare at the rectangle of orange dirt that grass is starting to grow through. Of course, I get all upset and say, "God where is he?" about that time, my phone rings and it's Gregg, he had arrived at home, found my note and called me. I told him how worried I was and that he didn't ever need to leave his phone again. He seemed in ok spirits on the phone? Well I call his friends back and let them know he was ok, Jay was already halfway to the cemetery and Ronnie was waiting on me to call so he could load up his 2 girls and help me find him. I know you are thinking, "Meredith, why on Earth did you form a search party over 30 mins, that's crazy" well, I hadn't seen Gregg that upset in a while and I just wanted him to be comforted if he needed it. I know sometimes it is good to just be left alone and ponder on your own thoughts and feelings, but I wanted to be there for him. When I arrived home I realized his knees were wet and I asked him what happened and he said, "I kneeled on the wet ground" I said, "you went to the cemetery didn't you." he shook his head, I asked another question, "is that the first time you have been?" he shook his head again and started crying. I hugged him and cried with him. I know how hard it is to go there. I get sick to my stomach when I go there. It is so hard to accept the fact that my kid's beautiful bodies are beneath the dirt. That they are no longer here. That they drowned. I told Gregg that we live in a very unfair world. A world in which good people are cheated out of great things, great lives. He made the comment, "I don't know that I will ever find happiness" I started to reply with "Let happiness find you" I think that over the past 7 1/2 months, some bit of happiness has crept it's way back in to our lives. We have a beautiful little baby girl who is healthy and happy all the time. We have 2 of the greatest friends anyone could ask for at such a time as this and we are building the house of our dreams. A house that, even though was designed with Brayden and Kenadi each a room, will create so many precious, happy memories and 5 years from now when we look back at our pictures of years passed, we will see happiness when we didn't know it was there. God is faithful. God is good.
I know this post was titled Road Trip and I actually started it this morning and never got to finish it so I rewrote it now. Funny that I did go on a road trip tonight, even though I was talking about the one to Nashville. Anyway. Have a safe week and a wonderful weekend. Will get back with you all on Tuesday!
Oh and Happy St. Patricks Day! :)


Laurie said...

I came across your blog by chance. Your story touches my heart and I am so sorry for your loss. Your post this night brought me to tears. I hope y'all enjoy your trip to TN. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Grandma~rella said...

(((HUGS))) and prayers...just want you both to know, I think of you often. When I stumbled upon your blog several months ago, my heart opened up and your family moved into a very special little corner of it, as well as my soul. Though I rarely comment, every blog update you post, I read...and pray...God bless you, Ramer Family :**)

Stephanie said...

Still praying for your family!

Unknown said...

Oh Meredith,
I know. I know how hard it is to say that "my child(ren) drowned." Words that you nor I, my husband, nor Gregg should ever, ever have to say. There are no words to describe the pain, there are no words of comfort. Yet we must remember that Jesus "knows" too.