January 25, 2010

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Someone sent me a message on Facebook some time ago and shared this familiar hymn with me and how it came to her mind when she was going through a trial in her life with one of her little girls. After hearing her story, it amazed me how much I could relate to what she was talking about and how when we turn our eyes to Jesus, the things of this Earth grow strangely dim. That is so true. Through the two years I had with Brayden and Kenadi, you can only imagine the scares and fears we encountered with them. When they were 8 weeks old, Brayden got so sick and I had to take him to the ER. He had viral meningitis and they had to take blood, do a spinal tap and eventually admitted him and put an IV in him. It was so scary and hard for me to see them torturing my son for his own well being. I had to just keep thinking, this is to make him better. The day after we got home from the hospital, we had to take Kenadi to the ER and they did all the same scary test and got the same result, viral meningitis so they admitted her for 3 days too. I was so scared. 5 weeks later, Kenadi was having a major kidney operation in which they possibly may have had to take her kidney out. Gregg and I prayed so hard. I never experienced actual prayer with faith until that moment. I had always prayed for things before but knowing what the end result was going to be and just prayed for comfort for the end result. I never really prayed with the Faith that God could heal. He did. Gregg and I had to sign a release for them to perform a nephrectomy if needed. They had pretty much told us that her kidney was so large that they were pretty confident that they would have to remove it. We just started preparing ourselves that she would only have one kidney. Greggs Granny continued to say, they are going to get in there and that kidney is going to be just fine. God's gonna heal her. Of course we admired her faith but lacked it ourselves. She said that over and over again on the way down there and finally I had a nice little talk with God. I told him I was sorry that I didn't have that Faith but that I knew he could do it because he was the ultimate healer. You know what, they called us halfway in to surgery and said that her kidney was salvageable and I knew that God showed up to reward me for having faith in him and not the doctors. On Brayden and Kenadi's first birthday, Kenadi was not feeling well at all the entire day. I was giving her Tylenol every 4-6 hours and by that night she was acting very funny. I told Gregg something was wrong and that we needed to take her to the ER. Her breathing was funny, she had chill bumps and was shivering. I had her all wrapped up in a blanket when we got to the ER and they checked her temp and it was 103.5. They immediately had me to remove the blanket from her since it was holding her temperature in, they took us back to a room and as soon as i sat down on the bed with her she started seizing in my arms. I have NEVER EVER been so scared in my entire life, i was begging the nurse to please do something to help my baby girl. I was getting panicky. I usually handle stressful situations pretty calmly, but not this time. My daughter was shaking and her eyes were rolling back in her head and one nurse was checking her temp. and it was 105 and climbing, another nurse was throwing ice on my child. I was a mess. Gregg was telling me to get out but I couldn't leave my child. She recovered from her seizure and they had her hooked up to oxygen and I was able to hold her and sing to her. She was very tired from all the jerking and the high fever. We discovered that Kenadi had febrile seizures, which is when she gets a high fever she seizes. So many nights after this horrible event would we be a nervous wreck every time her temp. got over 102. I would jump in the bathtub with her fully clothed to try to lower her body temp as soon as possible. I am telling you these stories to get to this point and how this hymn is so true in my life and what I went through with B&K the night of the accident. God knew what the end result of their accident was. From the moment I heard Gregg say "get to the hospital" and looked up from my phone to see 2 ambulances rush by in front of me, God was with me and preparing me for what was ahead. That is what I prayed the entire 7-8 minutes I was following those ambulances. "God, whatever it is, I trust you. God, be with me, whatever it is. God prepare me for whatever is ahead. God let my babies be ok." It was a constant plea the entire way to the hospital. God was with me. The whole time. I was able to walk around and listen to what the doctors/police/clergy had to say. I remember holding it together when the doctor told us that Kenadi had passed. I was able to walk in to the ER where Kenadi's body laid and see her as my beautiful little girl, with her beautiful long eyelashes, her brown curly hair, a complete reflection of me, her eye brows were distinctly just like mine. Of course I hurt, but it was an odd hurt. It was as if God kept my eyes on him and was letting me know, that in spite of the selfish pain I was going to have in missing her, she was ok because she was with Him. This wonderful God I serve carried me through as we got to Birmingham with Brayden. As we watched him slip away from us, God allowed me to hold it together to hold Brayden and rock him and sing Jesus Loves Me to him as his life on Earth ended in my arms. It's a strange peace that God gives you when you experience this type of tragedy. The fear I had when Kenadi had her kidney surgery and the awful fear I had when she seized in my arms, I didn't have that fear here. I had peace. You may say, No Meredith, it was shock, and you can think that if you want to, but I know it was MY God! It doesn't mean that I am not hurting tremendously everyday, but I do wake up and I do get one more day closer to my children in Heaven. Praise God! In church yesterday, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" was the song of invitation and there was a young brown haired girl a couple of pews in front of me and she had her arms wrapped around her mother's waist. I cried. It hurt me because my Kenadi wasn't there with her arms wrapped around me, my Brayden with his head in my lap. But when I do get to have their arms around me again, oh what a day of rejoicing that will be. Praise God for eternity. Praise God for the peace he gives that does surpass any understanding in this world.

8 comments:

Mary Ann Miller said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jodie said...

thank you...God is shining his light through you.

Doug & Anna said...

Meredith, I just want you to know that I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I experienced that same peace in those last moments with Logan. It's not shock, the shock comes later. I can honestly say that I was in shock while we planned the funeral. I was in shock while people filed in and out of my house the day before and the day of the funeral. But in that moment, there with Logan, it was a peace that only our wonderful, amazing, loving God can bring. Know that we continue to pray for you and Gregg and little Kaidi always.

Love,
Anna

Haley said...

I have been following your blog for months, but have never commented. Thank you for posting this. This is by far one of my favorite posts you have ever written. Praise God for the peace that he has given you and for the faith that you have. You and your husband are an inspiration to me.

Kylie and crew. said...

Powerful words Merideth! You had a "peace that surpasses ALL understanding" that was so from the Lord. Thank you for sharing. What a wonderful post.

Momma X 4 said...

You are an amazing woman of Faith. I admire you and your courage to share your inner-most feelings. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. God has truly blessed you. Thank you for sharing and giving me inspiration to be a better mommy to my 4 babies. I read your blog like this one and it really puts into perspective how we take every day life with our babies for granted. Thank you Meredith for sharing and I am still praying for you and Gregg. :)

Barb said...

This is a most inspiring post...a true example of how our God is bigger than ANY problem we might face. Thank you for your beautiful words.

OUR WILD ZOO! said...

Yes our God is THAT MIGHTY!!! I just posted about my baby Brayden's "failure to thrive" diagnosis. I won't go into it but this summer he was showing signs of a very serious disorder. I believe God performed a miracle and he was healed of it all, nearly overnight. I try not to take a day of it for granted. Your story inspires me to be stronger, more "faith filled". You are an amazing, strong woman of God. A warrior for the Lord. Continuing to pray for you! Thank you for sharing this story, it truly touched me.