January 18, 2010

Back at Work

It was so hard to leave this beautiful little smile this morning!

I started back to work today. It was not easy. I had a pretty tough night last night before going to bed. Leaving today wasn't so hard because I left her with Gregg. He was off of work for the holiday. I am very nervous about tomorrow. Not so much the quality of care that Gregg's grandparents will provide, but the drive to their house. Brayden and Kenadi were kept by Gregg's grandparents from the time they were 4 months old until the day before the accident. When I started my new job at JADE in May, my mom started to keep them more because we knew that when Kaidi got here in December, Gregg's grandparents would no longer be able to chase after 2 toddlers and keep a newborn. I have not been to Gregg's grandparents since the last day I picked up Brayden and Kenadi, July 28. I dread the drive in the morning. Every morning taking them there, we would point out the cows and sing Old MacDonald, or some other song that they loved so much. Picking them up every afternoon was always a treat to pull in the drive and see Brayden and Kenadi sitting at the storm door at the front and I could read their lips calling "MAMA" and I would see the excitement in their eyes, it won't be there tomorrow afternoon, they won't be there tomorrow afternoon. I miss them so much. It seems like forever ago. Gregg and I went to look at headstones Friday afternoon. It was so tough. We were not suppose to be "shopping" for our children's headstones. It just isn't fair. You are so torn on what you want to get because you feel like this is your last gift to them and you want it to be the best, but it is so hard to imagine how beautiful you want it to be through tears and pain. Gregg didn't handle it well at all. I haven't seen him cry like he did after we left since they died. I just feel like a zombie. Like the 2 years we had with them was all just a dream. I question God why he brought us through so much with Kenadi, a major kidney surgery at 13 weeks, a seizure on her first birthday, a hemangioma removal at 15 months. All those scary events we had to endure with her and He brought her through every one of them. Why couldn't he bring my babies through this? It's just so hard. I am still working on my project for B&K. I will share a little bit of info but not too much until I get everything squared away. I have plans to have a park built in memory of them. That's all I will say for now. I don't have enough details about it to share at this point, but will keep you posted as more information is able to unfold. Just pray for my project and pray that it will bring a sense of peace to all who come to it and that they will share our story to keep the memory of Brayden and Kenadi alive in my small town! :)

8 comments:

Heather said...

Praying for you.

EllisFamily said...

Prayers of comfort from the Ellises. Think about you often.

Kate

Karol said...

Praying for you Meredith. Those firsts are so painful. Praying that you can be filled with the peace and comfort that only he can give.

Sarah said...

Praying for you daily. I wish there was a way we could all ease your pain and burnden. Trust in Him.

Emily said...

Wish there were words to bring you comfort but all I can do is say that I too keep you in my prayers. I think of you and your situation often. It reminds me how precious each life is and there are no guarantees in life no matter what a wonderful person you may be. My heart hurts for you when I read what you are going through. May God continue to give you strength and heal your broken heart.

Mary Ann Miller said...

Wish I knew the words to bring you comfort and make everything all better. I can pray and I can tell you that I care and think of you often and pray that each day will get a little easier for you and your husband. Take care dear.

Kristin said...

I'm sorry your heart hurts. Praying for you to have some peace today.

OUR WILD ZOO! said...

Praying that you feel comfort in this season of adjustment of returning to work and new schedules. I wish there was something I could do to help...I know I'm across the United States but I have you all in heart and much prayer. As a mom myself, I just ache when i think of what you're going through. HE will deliver you, as only HE can and I continue to lift you in many prayers.