December 18, 2009
It's late. I just finished up feeding Kaidi and placing her in the bassinet. She is so beautiful and perfect. More than I could have ever imagined. She is such a good baby too. I am so thankful for that. I will say, I do get up exhausted and haven't quite got adjusted to the shorter hours of sleep that I am experiencing, but it feels so good to feel important again. To feel responsible for a child again. My heart hurts. I miss them so much. I came across a picture of them the other day and just broke down. They were just right there. right there. why? i can only see them in pictures now. Why could they not be happy sitting in front of the tv? why did they have to go out that door? why the pool? why God? Why did you take my kids from me? Why do I have to hurt THIS bad? It's not fair. I know I have been told my entire life that life is just not fair, but I never imagined something like this. Never imagined the only life I knew for 2 years, 2 months and 3 weeks completely taken away from me. I am so angry sometimes. So devastated. So out of place. I know I will ask why everyday until the day I enter Heaven and am reunited with my children. I know that I will never be satisfied until that day. I am sure Jesus will wrap his arms around me and show me all the lives that were changed because of the tragedy that I am having to go through, but right now I can't see that. All I can see is 2 empty toddler beds in a stale bedroom full of toys and dust. 2 dressers full of 2T clothes. A kids table covered in crayon marks. 2 scraggly little toothbrushes in my bathroom cabinet. All of this B&K stuff that I will have to pack up soon. Have no idea where we are going to put it? There are days when I want to fill a room in our new house just like there room is here. But I know that I don't need to do that. It would not be healthy. It's so hard. I want to do something for my kids. In honor of them. I want them to be remembered. I have a project in mind, and once everything gets settled in with our new house and I have the time to work on it, I am going to do it. I have to! There are so many things running through my mind. I am so tired of the added drama. I better go to bed, it won't be long before Kaidi gets up again. Good Night!