December 18, 2009

Scattered Thoughts

It's late. I just finished up feeding Kaidi and placing her in the bassinet. She is so beautiful and perfect. More than I could have ever imagined. She is such a good baby too. I am so thankful for that. I will say, I do get up exhausted and haven't quite got adjusted to the shorter hours of sleep that I am experiencing, but it feels so good to feel important again. To feel responsible for a child again. My heart hurts. I miss them so much. I came across a picture of them the other day and just broke down. They were just right there. right there. why? i can only see them in pictures now. Why could they not be happy sitting in front of the tv? why did they have to go out that door? why the pool? why God? Why did you take my kids from me? Why do I have to hurt THIS bad? It's not fair. I know I have been told my entire life that life is just not fair, but I never imagined something like this. Never imagined the only life I knew for 2 years, 2 months and 3 weeks completely taken away from me. I am so angry sometimes. So devastated. So out of place. I know I will ask why everyday until the day I enter Heaven and am reunited with my children. I know that I will never be satisfied until that day. I am sure Jesus will wrap his arms around me and show me all the lives that were changed because of the tragedy that I am having to go through, but right now I can't see that. All I can see is 2 empty toddler beds in a stale bedroom full of toys and dust. 2 dressers full of 2T clothes. A kids table covered in crayon marks. 2 scraggly little toothbrushes in my bathroom cabinet. All of this B&K stuff that I will have to pack up soon. Have no idea where we are going to put it? There are days when I want to fill a room in our new house just like there room is here. But I know that I don't need to do that. It would not be healthy. It's so hard. I want to do something for my kids. In honor of them. I want them to be remembered. I have a project in mind, and once everything gets settled in with our new house and I have the time to work on it, I am going to do it. I have to! There are so many things running through my mind. I am so tired of the added drama. I better go to bed, it won't be long before Kaidi gets up again. Good Night!

20 comments:

Marie said...

I find myself wondering the same things, and I never even knew them. Sometimes it just strikes me, what on earth made the twins get up and go to the pool that day? I can't imagine what it's like for you to constantly ask the what ifs.

Here in Australia pools MUST have a safety fence. It's the law. Have you thought of campaigning for something similar in the USA? It could be the Brayden and Kenadi law. Imagine how many lives you could save.

Brandi said...

I'm am so sorry that you are going through so much pain, I can't imagine. I hope that little Kaidi can bring a little bit of happiness to your life. I think and pray for you all the time. Merry Christmas!!!!

Mary Ann Miller said...

Thinking of you today. May God bless you and your family. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Sharon and Michael said...

I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I hate it! I just hate that you have to hurt like this. Have you ever read Mary Beth Chapman and Steven Curtis Chapman's blog? They are very open about losing Maria Sue. You two ladies obviously know the same pain. I pray all the time for God to not make me go through it. God's will is a scary thing at times. I don't knwo what He has planned for you to do to keep their memory going but it just has to be something so amazing that will work wonders with so many families. In our state, we are supposed to have fencing around pools. BUT!!! With your two smart kiddos, would fencing really have kept them out? Kids can climb and kids can learn how to open latches. I know having Kaidi doesn't fill the void and never will but I'm praying she will brighten your days in a most special way. I'm sure she does. :) Praying God will send you many blessings and help your heart heal the best it can and for your days to become more "tolerable" at least. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Big hugs!!!!

Tabo said...

I love you Mere!!!

Tabo

The Mikel Family said...

PRAYING for YOU & GREGG!! WE LOVE YOU!!

The Mikel Family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Linda said...

Thinking of you and praying for peace for your heart!

Heather said...

PRAYING FOR YOU!!!!

Journey of the George's said...

Praying for you everyday.

Kristin said...

What about some type of shadow box with some of their smaller things? Something you could put in your room in your new house? Things that had special importance or hold a special memory?

I'm so sorry your heart hurts.

Jodi said...

Thinking about you daily. The "why's" can drive you crazy. I pray you and Greg find peace. Have you thought of a mural of B&K in your new home? Or a beautiful painting of them? I think it's good to have their things around you.

Jodi Lewandoski

OUR WILD ZOO! said...

My heart hurts for you, just reading. I don't think a day goes by that you and your family don't come to my mind and heart. I continue to pray, to lift you up, for peace-strength-blessings. I just wish there was more that I could do. Prayers all the way from Arizona,
Kristin

Melissa said...

If there is one pain in this world I wish never existed it's this....Something I will never understand why God takes them and leaves a mother's heart aching for a lifetime. People think in time the pain goes away, and although I can't speak firstahnd, I know that it doesn't. Any logical person would know that...They will be part of you for a lifetime and they will always be missing to you here on Earth until you are reunited once again.

I'm sorry you have to face the way you lost them. That your story couldn't have been different. Although I am a complete stranger I literally ache for you.

You will find a way to remember them. Your way, to help with your heart. I think if you have a guest room set-up in your house, it'd be nice to dedicate some pieces of that room to them maybe with some nice black and white pictures matted and like the one lady suggested a shadow box of those little things that are too hard to get rid of and why should you have too. You don't....Another nice thing I recently saw was a video with music of all their pictures. A keepsake for everyone and something you will always have to "show-off" to people of the two of them.

Please take care. So nice that you have a husband to share in your grief. I couldn't imagine anyone going through that pain alone.

Jodi said...

http://billygraham.org/News_Article.asp?ArticleID=735

Meredith, I thought of you when I read this. Maybe it can help a bit.

jodi lewandoski

Karol said...

These same questions I ask myself daily. Why God? Why my beautiful little girl? I want to scream it from the mountain tops!!! Why would you take my baby from me?!?!?!I continually have to remind myself that God is good and God does good. Sometimes I can't really see it, I can't feel it, but I remind myself because I know that I know that I know that God is good. Praying for peaceful rest for you tonight.

Debbie said...

Meredith, I love you so much and can't imagine how much you hurt. I know you must be allowed to grieve in your own way and and these questions are questions you must ask each day. Don't feel bad for asking them. You need the time and so does Gregg. It has not been long ago and the PAIN of your loss has not even had time to become real to you. We don't understand things, but one thing I do know is that God knows our hearts and it's okay when we don't understand and we don't have to feel guilty about being angry with what has happened. This is normal. Just keep hanging on to Him and one day at a time, You will survive, get through, and find a different happiness. Your precious B&K will always be in our hearts and minds. I think about mini me everytime I look at you and I think of that beautiful boy! They are Loved! So are You! I pray for you daily even though you don't get a card or phone call, you are in my mind. When you know what it is you want to do in honor of them, call and I will do whatever I can to help! I love you!! Mrs. Debbie

Jamie said...

I came across your blog through a friend's blog just a few weeks after your horrible tragedy. I know that I have never met you, and sometimes I feel guilty reading your blog like I am reading your private diary, but I wanted you to know that you have changed my life. You are such an amazing person and mother. You are truly an inspiration. I pray for you everyday. I am so happy that your daughter, Kaidi, arrived safely. She is just beautiful. I know that you are enjoying her every minute of every day. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, fears, life, and hopes with everyone. God bless you and your family.

Mom of 3 and bride-to-be! said...

Oh Mere :(
My heart aches soooo badly for you.
It's NOT fair.
I am praying for you, even more today.

There's no sugar coating it, it just plain sucks, and that's putting it lightly. I honnestly don't know how you do it. I have no words that will make you feel any better, and I hope you know that how you're feeling is totally justified. I would be ripping my hair out. I only feel devestated for you, I can't imagine how it would be if I actually was in your shoes. You're strong M, and you'll survive(litteraly).
It sucks. It' really really really sucks :(

KD said...

I understand exactly how you feel. My two year old passed away Nov.1st. I know the Lord knows how we feel, and he understands more than we realize. I gave some special things to a few people who Silas was close to. It helped them to have something of his, and I liked that. Praying for you all, and Christ's return!