November 13, 2009
So I had to add another song. This is another one of those "stop me in my tracks" songs. I find myself pulling this one up and listening to it a LOT! The line about "On the days I feel like I failed you" There are so many of these days. I feel like I am constantly not giving God the credit when it is due or relying on him when I should. And then there are "the day's I feel I've been Failed" these are constant. I feel I have been failed of the life I had in my mind for me. I know that God had a different one in store, but it hurts so bad. I feel I was failed of the wonderful life with Brayden and Kenadi. The many birthday parties and activities they would have been involved in. The determination I had to raise 3 kids that were within 2 1/2 years of each other. The much love I had given Brayden and Kenadi that is all just a memory now. I so badly want my old life back. I want to rewind back to the morning of July 29 and call in sick. I want to erase the horrible images in my mind of the whirlwind of events that happened that week, the ambulance, the many police, doctors, nurses, emts, my daughters lifeless body, my sons body hooked up to wires and tubes, Holding his dying body in my arms, picking out a casket, picking out a grave plot, seeing them together on the table at the funeral home and that same night together in the casket, seeing them for the last time before the casket was closed for forever, seeing the grave site where there bodies would lay for eternity, all too much to see for a 24 year old, young mother. To have to bury my 2 precious children together 2 months after their second birthday, their last birthday. I want to erase all the heartache, depression, pain, emptiness, anger, confusion, loneliness, anxiety, separation, selfishness, pity, and the list continues as to what I have experienced from all angles in this tragedy. I want it all to go away. I want to go back to my happy life. The life where I enjoyed picking them up in the afternoons and taking them home and talking to them and singing with them and playing with them and loving on them and praying over them as they slept. The life where I was rushed every morning to get out the door with two half-asleep little ones and drop them off on my way to work. Listening to them chit chat together in the backseat. The life where there were toys scattered all through my house, crumbs all under the table, sippy cups rolled underneath the couch, a handful of toys to clear out of the bathtub every morning before I could take a shower, all the many things that at a time seemed like a mountain of stress and mess that I would give anything in this world to return to. I just miss it so much. Last night,Gregg and I were talking about how we felt sometimes and my pain is even more with seeing him hurt. I told him this morning that I wish that I could take all his pain away and bear this burden for the two of us. I know that it is not possible and I guess I am thankful that I do have him to share this pain with. He is the only one who understands the same pain of loss for Brayden and Kenadi that I have. It is so hard for us sometimes. I think we bring out the worse in each other emotionally. We try to stay busy or find something to do or somewhere to go just so we don't sit in misery together. This post has become far longer than I intended when I logged on to attach that video. I guess it is just good therapy for me. I receive many encouraging messages from many of you people and know that I do read them and am very grateful for your encouragement, concern and prayers. Sometimes I may write back, sometimes I may not. Depending on the day/mood. It is good for me, knowing that God has reached some of you through my blog. I pray for the many followers when I post something. That they will see God working in my life and through this tragedy. I hope to post good, uplifting things next week. I am praying for a good weekend. This past week has been a pretty rough one. I know I am just on the roller coaster called life. I just need a little bit of a mental/emotional break. Hope everyone has a good weekend.