November 13, 2009

Something More



So I had to add another song. This is another one of those "stop me in my tracks" songs. I find myself pulling this one up and listening to it a LOT! The line about "On the days I feel like I failed you" There are so many of these days. I feel like I am constantly not giving God the credit when it is due or relying on him when I should. And then there are "the day's I feel I've been Failed" these are constant. I feel I have been failed of the life I had in my mind for me. I know that God had a different one in store, but it hurts so bad. I feel I was failed of the wonderful life with Brayden and Kenadi. The many birthday parties and activities they would have been involved in. The determination I had to raise 3 kids that were within 2 1/2 years of each other. The much love I had given Brayden and Kenadi that is all just a memory now. I so badly want my old life back. I want to rewind back to the morning of July 29 and call in sick. I want to erase the horrible images in my mind of the whirlwind of events that happened that week, the ambulance, the many police, doctors, nurses, emts, my daughters lifeless body, my sons body hooked up to wires and tubes, Holding his dying body in my arms, picking out a casket, picking out a grave plot, seeing them together on the table at the funeral home and that same night together in the casket, seeing them for the last time before the casket was closed for forever, seeing the grave site where there bodies would lay for eternity, all too much to see for a 24 year old, young mother. To have to bury my 2 precious children together 2 months after their second birthday, their last birthday. I want to erase all the heartache, depression, pain, emptiness, anger, confusion, loneliness, anxiety, separation, selfishness, pity, and the list continues as to what I have experienced from all angles in this tragedy. I want it all to go away. I want to go back to my happy life. The life where I enjoyed picking them up in the afternoons and taking them home and talking to them and singing with them and playing with them and loving on them and praying over them as they slept. The life where I was rushed every morning to get out the door with two half-asleep little ones and drop them off on my way to work. Listening to them chit chat together in the backseat. The life where there were toys scattered all through my house, crumbs all under the table, sippy cups rolled underneath the couch, a handful of toys to clear out of the bathtub every morning before I could take a shower, all the many things that at a time seemed like a mountain of stress and mess that I would give anything in this world to return to. I just miss it so much. Last night,Gregg and I were talking about how we felt sometimes and my pain is even more with seeing him hurt. I told him this morning that I wish that I could take all his pain away and bear this burden for the two of us. I know that it is not possible and I guess I am thankful that I do have him to share this pain with. He is the only one who understands the same pain of loss for Brayden and Kenadi that I have. It is so hard for us sometimes. I think we bring out the worse in each other emotionally. We try to stay busy or find something to do or somewhere to go just so we don't sit in misery together. This post has become far longer than I intended when I logged on to attach that video. I guess it is just good therapy for me. I receive many encouraging messages from many of you people and know that I do read them and am very grateful for your encouragement, concern and prayers. Sometimes I may write back, sometimes I may not. Depending on the day/mood. It is good for me, knowing that God has reached some of you through my blog. I pray for the many followers when I post something. That they will see God working in my life and through this tragedy. I hope to post good, uplifting things next week. I am praying for a good weekend. This past week has been a pretty rough one. I know I am just on the roller coaster called life. I just need a little bit of a mental/emotional break. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

10 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh Meredith how my heart just breaks for you guys. I can not even begin to imagine what you guys are going through each and every moment of every day. Please know that you have so many people across the world praying and pulling for you guys. I hope that you blogging about your beautiful twins is some what theraputic. I wish there was a way to ease the burden for both you and Gregg. I know that nothing I say will make your journey any easier but just know that we are all here to "listen". I am so proud of you and how brave you are pouring your heart out in your blog. I have tears in my eyes every time I read a new post of yours. You are an incredible woman and an amazing example for so many. I admire you and all that you do. May God Bless you and Gregg and I pray that Kaidi will bring some of that joy back into your lives. I hope you guys have a great weekend as well....I hope it stops raining :)

God Bless and many many prayers from Montana.

Sarah

Cassandra said...

God bless you both. Its great that you are talking together about your grief keep doing that and meanwhile be kind to yourself , speak gently to yourself, take every opportunity to rest and prepare for your precious second daughter to arrive. I just watched the stephen curtis Chapman song you posted and cried and cried. I love how songs can speak straight to our hearts. Take Care
Cassandra

Jenifer said...

My heart breaks for you guys I prey for yall ever night and will keep doing so...

teresa said...

Meredith,

You don't know me, but I feel as if I know you. I came across your blog a couple of months ago when I was trying to make a very difficult decision regarding my life and was feeling really blue. After reading your blog and learning of the heartbreak you've gone though, I realized how thankful I should feel for the blessings I've been bestowed.

Meredith, you truly are an amazing young woman. The mere act of you accepting your loss and still believing is probably the most selfless inspiring act of faith I've ever seen.

Please know I will be keeping your family in my prayers.....Terry

Julie said...

Hi Meredith,
Your words echo mine. All the feelings, the thoughts, the wishes to go back...it is all such a struggle. I know there is nothing I can say to help ease that pain only us mothers feel when we hold our children's lifeless bodies and plead with God with everything left in us for some great miracle. But I do know of a book that has been one of the only things to help us with some of this dispair. I wish someone would have told me about it much earlier, thus, here I am leaving a comment even though you don't know me. Its called the Grief Recovery Handbook and has made a huge difference for us. I hope you can find it helpful also, even just a little bit.
Prayers from Michigan,
Julie
www.murraymemo.blogspot.com

Hannah said...

Well, Mere, I am very sorry for all that you go through on a daily basis. As much as you want to take away Gregg's pain, I hope you know I feel the same for you. No matter what hoops I would have to jump through or riddles I would have to solve, I would do it all if it would allow me to carry your pain and heartache. I know, though, that I could not do it with your courage and faith. You are a wonderful young woman, mother and friend. I love you.

Karol said...

I was referred to your blog a cousin. We lost our 2 1/2 year old daughter on Labor Day, also to drowning. The pain of this reality is incomprehensible. It is only by faith that we can make it through. Know that I ache for you.

Theresa said...

My heart pains for you. They are waiting safely in the arms of Jesus. Your testimony has affected many I am positive. You are a wonderful witness to God's unfailing grace and mercy.

Courtney said...

Meredith,
I have read your blog for a while now and I just want you to know that your courage is an inspiration to me and so many people! Even though I have never commented, I pray and think about your family often.
I am wondering if you have an address to send something to? If you want to share that information you can email me at courtney2017@yahoo.com
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. We are all here to listen.
Praying for you in Tennessee,
Courtney

jamiehoward said...

Meredith,
My name is Jamie Howard. I live in Southside, AL. My 27 month old son, Trevor, also drowned on June 25 th this year. When I read your blog I cried. I know how you feel I REALLY know. I wonder everday what would I have loved today the most that Trevor would have done. I would love to talk to you. My e-mail is jamie_howard@ecboe.org.