It has done NOTHING but RAIN! This is the kind of weather that you just want to curl up in bed and SLEEP ALL DAY in. As I was driving home last night in the rain, I sang the familiar tune that Brayden would alway sing, "rain rain go away, come again another day" It reminded me of the day of the visitation. Gregg and I drove to Andalusia to get us both something to wear to the funeral and the visitation. I couldn't find anything at JCP and told Gregg just to run me to Cato real quick to see if I could find a black shirt to wear. As I was trying on the shirt in the dressing room, a little boy and his mom were in the stall beside me and the little boy was singing that song. I sat there, in the floor of the dressing room, and just cried. I settled myself down, put my shirt back on, bought that one and got out of there as fast as I could. When Gregg picked me up he started asking me a million questions, "are you ok, what happened" I just shook my head and said let's go. I turned the radio up and "Praise You In This Storm" was coming on. Isn't God amazing?? I had been singing that song over and over again in my head over the last few days and it seemed to give me some comfort. At the moments we feel were are completely going to fall apart, God whispers through to our hearts and lets us know He is there. There have been so many songs of comfort to me over the last 3 months. Songs that I never understood until now. Steven Curtis Chapman released a new album last Tuesday and I had not heard any of the songs on it until last night. He has a song titled, "Heaven Is The Face" and it is truly beautiful and so real. I cannot wait to get to Heaven and see my beautiful children waiting there and take me by the hand and lead me to see Jesus. Heaven is such a more beautiful place in my mind now that they are there. I always pictured it to be marvelous and magnificent and wonderful, but with them there it is WAY beyond any description I could ever give.
This rain is really not helping things with our "project house" The plans were to pour foundation on Thursday, but I am afraid that is going to be delayed. :( It's ok though. My main focus right now is this precious little girl growing inside of me and the 3 more weeks I have to wait to meet her (unless she decides to come earlier) I long for the moment they place her in her Daddy's arms and he can so proudly show her to me. We talk about her coming a lot more lately, I know how much it's going to hurt, but I also know the joy that she is going to bring to our lives again. A friend gave me some baby clothes and as I was going through them I stumbled across a "I'm the Little Sister" shirt. It hurt to think that I didn't get to get those cute little Big Sister Big Brother shirts for Brayden and Kenadi, but the title is still there for all 3 of them. Brayden and Kenadi were my first born son and daughter. They were MY babies. My onlys for 2 years. They meant everything in the world to their daddy and me. We were proud of everything they ever accomplished and bragged on them constantly. I can remember when my neice, Ashton, was born. She was the only baby in our family for 3 years. She had such a special relationship with everyone because she was the only one who got attention, gifts every time we went to the store, bragged on by my entire family on how she could do this and that. She was special because she was the only. No other to compare her to. That is what B&K were to me. They were my first children. Everything they did was amazing and wonderful. I know Kaidi will come in right behind them and fill their big shoes gracefully. God has a plan for her in our lives and the lives of others just as B&K did. I am excited about meeting her and seeing what she looks like and enjoying motherhood again finally after 4 horrible months of feeling useless and childless. It is hard to feel like you have any purpose in life when all you have known for the past 2 years is being completely responsible for 2 toddlers and for that to be taken away from you in a day without any notice is such a hard pill to swallow. I miss my kids so much. My heart aches each moment and I even have some moments where the pain takes my breath away. There are so many things that I do not understand and probably never will. I am getting to the point of acceptance on that. I know my life will never be the same. My outlook, my feelings, my relationships, my guard, my entire perspective on life and my children, never the same.