November 6, 2009

It is Broken, But Still Beats.

I went through a few things in Brayden and Kenadi's room last night. I found tears as I was overwhelmed at the amount of things that were in that room that I could never imagine putting away but knew that that was quickly approaching with our move coming up. It's so hard to see their beds made. See their beds that have been empty for 100 nights now. 100 nights. I think back over the past 100 nights and I see a roller coaster. The first night was spent worried and praying that my son would live and also coping with the fact that my daughter had died. I get so upset sometimes and wonder if I didn't pray hard enough or did I give up on Brayden? I know that I couldn't imagine praying any harder than what I did from the time I followed the ambulances to the time his heart shut down. These 100 nights have been awful. Sure there have been some that have been ok and bearable but there are nights when I don't feel I can go on without my Brayden and Kenadi and there are nights when I don't want to wake up on this Earth and I just want to wake up in Heaven where they are. But I have learned all too much that God has a plan for me. And it is not MY plan. He will take me when the time is right just as he did my children. He isn't finished with me yet. I can't imagine what He has for me, and how I can be of any use to Him. I feel shattered beyond repair, lonely, empty, there are many words that I cannot even begin to describe how I feel. The pain I feel is unimaginable to anyone who hasn't been in the same situation. I would not for ANYTHING in this world want anyone to feel as I feel. Where God is at work is, that even though my heart is broken, it still beats. He keeps me going on days when I want to give up. He keeps me healthy for this child that I will meet soon. He holds my head up when I want to drown in sorrow and grief. He gives me hope for the future that for me hurts to think about. He is there when I feel my faith is running out and He is there to carry me on to the next day. Each day as I get further and further from the last touch of my children, my heart gets heavier. I pray every moment for God to help lift this weight. It just seems so long since I have seen them. Pictures and videos don't do justice for the warm little bodies in my arms. The sweet kisses on my cheek. The squeeze of their hands in mine. The breath within their chest as they sleep. The sound of kids songs in the backseat of my car. Nothing compares to what I miss out on a daily basis. My heart drops when I see an ambulance, my heart aches every time I see a child hooked up on a vent in a hospital bed. My heart hurts when I see the 2 pools similar to the one that B&K drowned in on my way to and from work everyday. I can't escape the many reminders of their loss. I could not even begin to imagine to put myself near any reminders of their accident. How could I? It would be to real, it would feel to much as though I was reliving that horrible day all over again. I don't know that I could ever go to Mizell again unless it was an actual emergency and I had no choice. I know the room in which I was told my daughter had passed. I know the bed in which she lay lifeless on. I can't even stand to watch Grey's Anatomy because of the medical stuff and how it too much reminds me of those horrible 2 days. My life will never be the same. I know that. I don't feel the same, I don't think the same, I don't react the same. I don't even love the same. I don't feel like the Meredith Ramer I have always been. I don't know.  Have a great weekend!  
Got a video to share, This is a group called Addison's Road. I like them a lot and thought this was a beautiful song. Hope you enjoy:


Unknown said...

My heart aches for you, and probably always will.
How you do it, I have no idea. I know, I know, you do it with the God by your side....but how?
I try to imagine how your heart aches, and I sob. It is SO unfair. Again, you are my HERO.
I wish I could hug you. I wish I could hear endless stories of Brayden and Kenadi. I wish I could have some magical super power and bring them back to you. I wish children were invincible :(

I pray that your faith continues to carry you through.
Your are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Much much love,

Heather said...

I am praing for you Meredith and the whole family. You all are constantly running through my mind.

Kathryn said...

Dear Meredith, how my heart aches for you today. I have visited since your little ones went to heaven, but have never felt like I had anything to say that would bring you comfort. I lost my oldest daughter in very different circumstances, but cannot even pretend to know what you are suffering through having lost 2 little ones. I'm SO sorry. Please know that I am praying for you, and thinking about you often. We are friends on Facebook as well, so I check in on you as much as I can. I'll comment more often.

Taking my daughter's room down was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. My mom and sister came to help...I'd recommend getting someone you love, and that you feel comfortable getting emotional in front of, to help you. I was so glad they were there, or I would have curled up in a ball and spent the day crying. Put it off until you absolutely have to do it. Then you will feel motivation, and that you HAVE to get it done. That was the way I did it too. I'll be praying for you, and the safe arrival of your precious baby girl.

Love, Kathryn

Jennifer said...

Dear Meredith,

I have 4 children. Last night they all spent the night with someone so my husband and I could have a night alone. This morning I woke up around 8:00 AM from a horrible nightmare. I jerked straight up in bed. I had dreamed that something terrible had happened to my youngest (18 months old), and she was gone. For a second I could not breathe, then I started praying like crazy for their protection. I called the home where they were staying and asked my friend to watch them a little closer today. It took me a while this morning to get past it how terrible and sick I felt. I literally felt sick. For a few second (seemed like much longer) I thought the dream was real. I was sleeping late, their were no noises in the house, it must be true. When I finally realized it was a terrible nightmare, YOU came to my mind. I thought about how YOURS was not a terrible nightmare. I felt so heartbroken and so sorry. I wondered how you actually do get up everyday, how are you surviving, how does your heart still beat after what you've been through. I KNOW as you KNOW it is only by HIS love, grace, and mercy. Meredith, he has not allowed this pain and heartache in vain. He does have a great and wonderful plan for you and your family. If I were you, I imagine I would want to reject this plan. You are such an encouragement to so many people. Because of what you are going through and the fact that you are surviving, your heart is still beating, other can see and wonder of the hope you have. I don't know you, but I think of and pray for you often. I am your Sister in Christ, and I love you. I can't wait for your family to be united one day and for you to also see the many people who were changed because of your testimony. Love in Christ, Jennifer

Brittany..Following my Bliss said...

My heart aches for you. Life on this earth is not fair but what a blessing to have hope in Jesus Christ. You're such an inspiration to so many people. I cannot even imagine the heartache you feel every minute of every day. My prayers continue for you and your family.

Tracy said...

I have no words that can possibly comfort you.
I have no frame of reference to understand the depth of your pain.
But I love you, my sister in Christ. We will likely never meet, but I pray for you continually.

Sarah said...

Meredith -
I can not even begin to wrap my head around what you are going through and what you are feeling as the days pass. Nor do I have the words to ease your pain or comfort you in any way. I have never met you and have been following your blog since hearing about B & K. I want you to know that you inspire me to be a better person. You are an absolutly incredible woman and mother...something I will always strive to be. Your amazing faith in our Lord is something I admire espically after everything you have been through. I know that it is hard to understand why all of this happend to such a wonderful family but I truely believe in my heart of hearts that He has BIG plans for you and Gregg. I dont know if you realize how many lives you have touched or how many people you have praying for you or how many parents are holding their children closer every night because of words you spoke. The loss of a child is something no one understands except Him. You didnt give up on your son, you knew in your heart that he needed to be with your daughter in Heaven to protect her. You prayed as hard as you could and I know that God heard them loud and clear but he had plans for B & K. You did everything you could to provide the most amazing life for them while they were here and they are forever greatful for that!! I pray for your family every day and you guys are constantly in my thoughts. May God pour his greatest blessings on you and give you the stregnth to put one foot in front of the other each and every day.

Isaiah 41:10
Don’t you be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.

Ephesians 6:10
Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of his might.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me

I encourage you to visit the blog

They have a similar situation to yours in the sense that they too have lost a child and she is pregnant as well. It might be comforting to hear their stories so you know you are not alone.

God Bless you and Gregg. Many hugs and prayers from Montana.

- Sarah

Stacy said...

I think of you and your family daily. I pray for you and your family so many times a day. Your right, noone knows how you feel unless they have been there. I remember when my daughter Bethanie drown, I would look at people and want to yell STOP LAUGHING, STOP LIVING, please can't you see I am hurting so bad and you don't care. I wanted the world to stop around me the pain to leave but it wouldn't. Your strength is AMAZING to me!! Your love for GOD is inspiring and urges me to be closer to him. Your pain hits so close to home that the tears fall everytime I think of you. To loose both your children is un-imaginable to me!! To loose a child is hard, but to loose them both!! I can't imagine!! Brayden and Kenadi are so blessed to have you as their mother...And your new Kaidi is so blessed to be coming into a world where her parents are you and your husband. May the Lord continue to bless you dear Meredith and may his comfort warm you on those night that feel so cold!!!
In the Lord's love

Niki said...

Meredith, my heart just keeps breaking for you and your family. I know I don't know you but I have been so touched by your story and just wish there was something, anything I could do to help you through this horrible thing. Just keep relying on God's strength and don't lose sight of your faith ~ it will keep carrying you through. I am praying for you constantly and wishing I could just give you a hug and make it better somehow. This is something no family should ever have to go through and I'm sorry yours does. Thank you for being so open on your blog and allowing everyone in to be there the only way we know how...through prayer. Hugs ~ Niki

Lora P. said...


So many people are faithfully praying for you and your husband! Sometimes music helps more than anything. I've listed a few songs that really touch me and I hope they do you also.

Love in Christ, Lora

Sweet Holy Spirit by:Newworldson
Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus)by: Chris Rice

Somewhere in the Middle by: Casting Crowns

I Will Rise by: Chris Tomlin

Sharon and Michael said...

Praying for you. there are no words I can offer. I do hope you have peace as much as possible for such a loss as your family is still and will always suffer. I'm so looking forward to the day we are in heaven and you can introduce me to your sweet babies. Heaven will always be sweeter just because of them ... and you. You make me see what I have in my "treasures" (children) here more and more. Can hardly wait until I see you holding Kaidi and a photo of you three together!!

Janell L Fredericks said...

i simply cannot imagine.......

PRAYING harder the never before

Brooke said...

I can't even imagine packing up your babies things. Have you considered having a quilt/quilts made with their clothing and blankets? If you were interested in doing that and don't know a quilter, I would love to help you.

You and your husband are in my prayers everyday. Your profound courage and strength is breathtaking.


M. Congleton said...

I pray for you often Meredith. I too, do not know you, but check your blog daily. Stay strong. God bless you.

Jodi said...

I felt the pain in your blog today. I'm so sorry for that pain and I wish, and I mean REALLY wish I could take it away.
praying for happier days ahead for you.


Terry Crowe said...

Dear Meredith,
I started reading your blog after someone told me about it when we got back from Africa. So many times I have started to leave a comment only to stop and delete it. After all, what is there to say? But today I feel compelled to tell you and Gregg how deeply Ken and I hurt for you and how we pray for you. We speak often of the unimaginable pain and grief you are carrying and I have shared with him some of your writing. The honesty and raw emotion is not easy to read, and yet, like so many others, I am drawn back to your faith and strength and desire to be open before our Lord. Thank you Meredith.