Today, I have logged on to blogger several times with so many thoughts in my mind but just quite couldn't get my fingers tapping on the keyboard. My mind is puzzled today for some reason. I think I am having a "blah" day. Not really bad or good. I have had a moment this afternoon when I really missed my kids. What is hard with this grieving process is at one point I will really be hurt over one over the other and cry over them for a few days and then next thing you know I will have moved to the other one. It can be so confusing and at times I feel guilty. I have always spread my love over both of them evenly but it seems to be so hard to spread my grief. It's overwhelming. When I hurt for Brayden I feel like I may be forgetting Kenadi or when I cry out for Kenadi, I feel horrible for not mentioning Brayden. It's a process that I am sure I will never be able to figure out or control, but it will always bother me. How do you grieve for 2 children at the same time? It is so hard to look at my life on the outside, I can only imagine what people think. I can remember my heart breaking for people that I have known to lose a child, now I share something in common with them.
I continue to be asked, " Oh, is this your first child" since I am so obviously pregnant. That is a tough question to answer. Actually, it's easy to answer, " No, this is my third. " but it is the series of questions that come after it. " What are your other 2" "How old are your other 2" "Boy you will have your hands full" They are completely innocent in the questions, but they are tough. I know that maybe those questions will become easier to answer in time and I am sure that I will develop a good, point-across answer that may halt any further questions.
I started this post on Wednesday and never finished it, I figured I would just post it from there.