October 7, 2009

To Post or Not to Post

Today, I have logged on to blogger several times with so many thoughts in my mind but just quite couldn't get my fingers tapping on the keyboard. My mind is puzzled today for some reason. I think I am having a "blah" day. Not really bad or good. I have had a moment this afternoon when I really missed my kids. What is hard with this grieving process is at one point I will really be hurt over one over the other and cry over them for a few days and then next thing you know I will have moved to the other one. It can be so confusing and at times I feel guilty. I have always spread my love over both of them evenly but it seems to be so hard to spread my grief. It's overwhelming. When I hurt for Brayden I feel like I may be forgetting Kenadi or when I cry out for Kenadi, I feel horrible for not mentioning Brayden. It's a process that I am sure I will never be able to figure out or control, but it will always bother me. How do you grieve for 2 children at the same time? It is so hard to look at my life on the outside, I can only imagine what people think. I can remember my heart breaking for people that I have known to lose a child, now I share something in common with them.
I continue to be asked, " Oh, is this your first child" since I am so obviously pregnant. That is a tough question to answer. Actually, it's easy to answer, " No, this is my third. " but it is the series of questions that come after it. " What are your other 2" "How old are your other 2" "Boy you will have your hands full" They are completely innocent in the questions, but they are tough. I know that maybe those questions will become easier to answer in time and I am sure that I will develop a good, point-across answer that may halt any further questions.
I started this post on Wednesday and never finished it, I figured I would just post it from there.


Unknown said...

My heart continues to break for you.
I constantly keep you in my prayers.
Know that you are loved, and I share your pain with you.
I am completely heart broken for you, I can't even explain it.

All I can do is pray..and that seems soooooo little.

You are in my heart..


Misty said...

If you come up with a good answer that will halt further questions, please share it with me. February will be 3 years since Madyson passed and I'm still don't always know how to answer when asked if MK is our only child. I usually say no and tell Madyson's story, but there are times when I just don't want to go into details with the person asking. No matter if others know about her or not, I never forget her and I know you will never forget your precious babies.

Paces' Paces said...

As Misty said, if you come up with a good answer that will halt further questions, please share. I'm finding that as I approach 40 and people see that I don't have children with me they don't ask as much. Also as Misty said, sometimes I just don't feel like sharing the whole story and it's not a story I can tell just part of....Other times I feel Jesus guiding me to tell the story a very specific way to witness to someone else. Somehow Jesus always shows the way! Y'all are always in my prayers.

Char said...

This might work:

"This is actually my 3rd child -my two older children recently went to Heaven to live with Jesus."

In Him,
Char from Arkansas

Niki said...

I don't actually know you, but your story has definitely touched me more than you know. I came across your blog through a friend's blog and it was the day you posted what happened to your twins. My heart literally broke for you when I read your post and couldn't stop crying. I have 2 small children of my own (4 and 1) and I can't imagine losing either or both of them. Its a parent's worst nightmare. It has been truely inspiring to me as a mom and christian to see how you have handled this with such grace and staying so strong in your faith. As soon as I read that first post about what happend to your 2 beautiful babies I immediately couldn't stop hugging and kissing my kids so I thank you for reminding me no matter what kind of day I have had or how many meltdowns they have had I need to never take for granted one moment with them. I will never forget Brayden and Kenadi's story and will always keep you and Gregg in my heart and prayers. I like to check in on your blog to see how you are doing ~ I know you have so many moments where it must seem too much to handle but you seem like an amazing girl and I know God is looking out for you. Just keep holding on to your faith and it will carry you through this. Hugs to you and please know you have people in Richmond, Va praying for you. Niki

Emily said...

Mere, I had to share this with you for Kaidi: Coming from a child that was born after my parents first passed away, I was always an only child (but I had a brother.) My mom kept things simple for herself with the only child line, but we talked alot about him at home & I always dreamed about what he would have been like, vacations with him, things like that. Matter of fact, I think about him oh-so-often! It was never sad to talk about him & I always thought of him as someone who was looking out for me. Telling Kaidi about B&K will be a good thing. I have no idea how to explain to you the relationship I have with someone who was born before me that I never even met, but there is definitley one there! Kaidi will have one better than me since she'll have TWO people in her life that she can hold in a special, maybe even secret place in her heart. Love you! Em

p.s. The "kicks like a mule" made me giggle.