October 21, 2009

To My Kaidi


Kaidi,
I don't know what to expect. Your Daddy and I are going through such a mystery right now that it is hard to imagine what things will be like when you arrive. I know we will be so happy to finally have you in our arms, but also so sad that your big brother and sister are not here with us to welcome you. We will take this day by day and trust that God will fill us with the Peace and understanding that we will need when you get here. I hate that I am different now. That I have been forever changed and robbed of the life I planned for me. I know that is where God stepped in and told me that He was in control and that He would take care of my plans. I trust Him. I can't wait to tell you all about God and how He is holding Brayden and Kenadi and they are watching us from Heaven. I cannot wait for you to get here and we can finally solve the puzzle of what you look like :) Your Daddy wants you to look just like your big sister. She was beautiful and regardless if you look like her or Brayden or a mixture of them both, you will be beautiful because God created you to be uniquely you. I love you and your Daddy loves you the only way he knows how right now. He is having such a hard time with this and I know that when the nurse gives you to him He is going to have that same proud smile on his face that he did when they gave him Brayden and Kenadi. I am sorry that this has happened and that you will be coming 4 months after this horrible tragedy, but know that you are a life saver. A heart saver. You will be my new joy in the mornings and night. It won't bother me getting up all hours of the night with you because I will be so grateful that a child is dependent on me again. I will rock you and hold you and spoil you and sing to you and do all the things I miss with Brayden and Kenadi and even start some new things too. I will tell you stories about them and the wonderful 2 years they were loaned to your daddy and me from God. I will instill the same morals, values, manners and love that I did with them. I may cry singing "Jesus Loves Me" with you but know that it is tears of love and pain. Pain that will never leave me with those lyrics. I will never forget the last time I sang it with Brayden. It will be a song that you will learn to hold dear to your heart. I will discipline you and expect the same rules to hold you that did Brayden and Kenadi. You may get more attention then they did because there is only one of you and there were two of them, but you won't get by with more than they did! :) Ok maybe a little! I will love you more than you will ever imagine until the day God blesses you with a child of your own.  Then you will understand my love. My love will never change for you and I will always be your number 1 fan. I will cherish EVERY trip to the park, EVERY shopping trip, EVERY lullaby, EVERY smile, EVERY laugh, EVERY cry, EVERY boo boo followed by a run to Mommy for comfort,  I will cherish the moment you take your first step in life, in the Kindergarten class room, on the stage for your first recital, down the aisle when you accept Christ into your life, out the door to your first prom, out the door to your first date,  in the auditorium at graduation, down the aisle at your wedding and in to the delivery room with your first child. I will be there always Kaidi. I will probably cry but you will understand one day. I pray for you all the time. That this tragedy will have no ill affect on you. That you will gracefully understand the pain that your daddy and I will experience throughout your life. That you will be a reflection of your brother and sister in your smiles and silliness and love. I pray that God will give you patience and a strong faith in Him. You will need it in life. I love you and am waiting patiently for you to arrive. See you soon baby Kaidi.
With all the Love I have for you, 
Mommy.

16 comments:

Sarah said...

So beautiful...you are such an incredible person and mother. How blessed your children are to have you guys as their parents and role models. I am praying for you as you near the meeting of your daughter. What an undescribable feeling that will be to have your baby girl in your arms. God Bless you and Gregg. Just remember to take everything one day at a time with one foot in front of the other. Praying so hard for you from Montana. - Sarah

Marie said...

So beautiful and heartfelt. Thank you for sharing.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

What a beautiful post...

Tracey said...

I sit here frequently with tears running down my face as I read the depth of your pain and love and longing. You are an amazing woman...truly and absolutely amazing. As God speaks to you, he also speaks through you. May the Lord bless you and your husband with a sense of peace and comfort you as you await the arrival of your daughter. Your family is being lifted up in prayer continually. God bless! Tracey from Alabama

Mom of 3 and bride-to-be! said...

Praying that He wraps you tightly in His arms on my behalf.

Oh how I think of you...and pray constantly for you.

You are an amazing mother.

Much love and prayer,

Chantal

jean said...

She will be so beautiful like her little brother and sister,jean

The Mitchell's said...

Oh I can't wait to meet Kaidi!! She is going to be so special!! I hope that she brings joy back into your and Gregg's life along with many memories to cherish. I personally hope that she is a mixture of B & K. But either way, she is going to be perfect!!! I wish you the best Mere! I know that it is going to be bitter sweet and I hope that I am allowed there to witness her birth... well in the waiting room : ) I love you and I am ALWAYS here for you! Please call on me if you need to just vent or if you just want a shoulder to cry on! I love you and Gregg so much and I am still praying for you two!!!

Em

Jenifer said...

So Beautiful...

Vonda said...

That ultrasound picture of Kaidi looks so much like Kenadi!!! It's unbelievable. She is a true Angel and hopefully will give you some comfort when she arrives. I follow your blog and pray for your strength every day and your mom.

The Rogers Family said...

Wow, that is so heartfelt and precious...thinking of you and praying for you, Gregg, and Kaidi daily.
You may not remember when my triplets were small and you would work with them in children's church at Westview..they all loved you but my Meredith thought it was special that ya'll had the same name she would say there's Big Meredith.. she prays for you often as well ( they are 11 now) she still feels that bond apparently.
Words cannot express how sorry I am that you are having to face this in life..I was also there the night you brought Kenadi into the ER after Brayden had meningitis, I remember the fear you all had for both of the kids and also the love that you showed both of them equally...you WILL have a special bond with Kaidi as well and she will bring you both so much joy...Love in Christ.Carla

OUR WILD ZOO! said...

How heartfelt and beautiful, with tears I read this letter to Kaidi. I think of you every day and lift you in prayer for supernatural peace that surpasses our human understanding. You are an amazing mother and woman of Christ.

Jaclyn said...

beautiful in every way. your three children are so blessed to have you as their mommy

laura said...

She looks like she might favor her sister! You all are constantly in my prayers.
Blessings-
Laura from FL

Stefanie said...

I read your blog and always wish I had the perfect thing to say. Of course I never do. I'm always praying for you and your family. I don't know how you do it but it brings me closer to God knowing that your faith has helped you cope during such trying times. I hope Kaidi and the new house help with the pain a bit.

Cassandra said...

I so know that feeling of hating that you are different now! Reading your blog helps me to reflect back on my own grieving journey and I can identify very similar feelings etc. You will be a great mother to Kaidi. You will be different and oh yes the everyday mundane things become priceless treasures. PRaying for you and Greeg as you enter this next phase.

auflutterfly said...

I ran across your blog on my facebook networked blogs. I had heard your story and even though we have never met and I did not even know your name, I have been praying for you and your family. I live in Headland, AL, just outside of Dothan. I am not too far from you so I had heard about your precious babies. Now I have a name to go into my prayers. God Bless you and your husband.