October 20, 2009

To My Children

Got to love the mess all over your face! :) Your smile always brightened my day.

This was so much fun for you. That was a great day of fun at the zoo with you and Kenadi.

I loved this shirt on you. I wish I still had it. You were wearing it the day of the accident.

I love your baby blue eyes. Just like your Daddy's.

You were so much fun Brayden. Always happy.

Oh son how I miss you so much. I miss the sound of you crying out for me in the mornings. You were not the best "waker upper". Some mornings though I would go in there to get you two up and you would be just laying there wide awake, quiet and sweet as could be. I would say "good morning Brayden" and you would say "Seep Good Mommy?" You would roll out of bed and help me get sissy up. It was always so sweet because as soon as her eyes opened you would say "HEY SISSY" so excitedly. My heart breaks every day for you two. Brayden, you were so smart. I was amazed at how much was going on in your head. You were constantly taking in everything and I could always tell that you were processing it all. You cared so much for Kenadi. You didn't like anyone to mess with her and always considered her in everything. If she was crying you would come to me and tell me what was wrong with her. If I gave you something, you always held your other hand out for her to have one too. You loved her so much. I was so proud of that. I knew that you were gonna protect her always. I miss singing with you. You amazed me at how many songs you knew. We would sing "Twinkle Twinkle" "Jesus Loves Me" "5 Little Monkeys" "Row Row Row Your Boat" "Old MacDonald" and you recently LOVED going on a "bear hunt" It was so cute. You would say "Look momma a cave" and then you would scream and I would say what is it and you would say "A BEAR" you had such a laid back personality. You were much harder to entertain that your sissy. You had to have one of us watching you at all times. You would drag all your toys in the living room just so you could be in the same room with us. Some nights when we would be washing dishes you would come in there and tell me, " I wash dishes too momma" so I would set you up on the counter beside me and let you help me sometimes. You loved to be doing whatever it was we were doing. I miss you. Every moment I turn around I know you are suppose to be there and it hurts. You were just so growny. I love you so much Bray. I wish you could be here when Kaidi gets here. I know you would have taken the role well of the older brother of 2 girls! You were so sweet, I know you would have been great with her. I can't wait to tell her all about you and Kenadi and how much fun yall were. I miss you so much Brayden. Please know that I did everything I could to make you happy and love you as much as I knew how. I am very proud of the two years I had with you and Kenadi. I will cherish them forever and ever. I will never let go of you in my heart. You have a very special, big place there and it will never be filled with anything other than you. You are my little man. I longed to watch you grow and mature into a handsome grown man. Now the only satisfaction I have is that I will see you again and that you will always be my little man. I am so sorry that you are gone. I know you are in a much better place beyond my imagination, but it is still so hard to think of what "could have been" if you were still here. I love you son. always and forever.

You look so much like me in this picture. It is one of my favorites.

You were so happy. Always silly and smiling.

You couldn't do Anything without getting it all over you.

You loved helping me in the kitchen. I miss my little helpers. I was planning on buying you a little apron for Christmas this year so you could wear it when you helped.

You were a year old here. You still had that baby face and that beautiful hemangioma where the angels kissed you in the womb. You look so sweet here. 

My sweet little girl. You were such a pistol ball. Full of energy and you thought everything was funny. You loved taking toys from Brayden just so he would chase you. You thought it was a game. Brayden always cried to us and you would be standing there, toy in hand with a devious grin on your face. You definitely kept things interesting. You would easily entertain yourself. You would play for hours alone with not a care in the world. I loved that about you. I could see that you were going to be independent like your mommy! I miss you so much and the joy you brought with that contagious smile. You enjoyed the spotlight. If Brayden would start singing a song you would put your hands up and say "WAIT WAIT WAIT" until Brayden would stop, once he stopped we would look at you and you would start singing the same thing. It was as if we couldn't do anything without you leading it. I remember 2 days before the accident, coming home from Papa and Granny's Brayden had fallen asleep in the truck and you were saying "get up dd" "Get UP!" The night before the accident you helped me make supper. You danced your way through the kitchen in your plastic high heels. So proud of yourself. You were so full of life. I remember dropping you off that morning. The last time I held you in my arms. You had on your PJs still and when I got you out of the car you laid your head down on my shoulder and loved on me. Thank you for that Kenadi. I cherish it so much. I wish so badly that I could have held you that night. I wanted to so badly. You were my little princess. I loved sitting next to your bed at night and tracing your lips and eyebrows. Your skin was so soft and you slept like an angel. You always had that Boo bear tucked under your arms. I hold Boo sometimes and close my eyes and wish you were there again. I love you so much baby. I hate all the things I am missing out on with you. I know you will be there by my side as I go through them with Kaidi, but it is not the same. She is suppose to have a big sister and annoy and mimic all the things that you do growing up. My heart aches for the relationship I dreamed of the two of you having. I know she will have an image of you in her heart growing up that I hope she can feel close to when she needs you. I longed to see you be a "little mama" with me when she got here. Let you help me in all the ways you wanted to. It is so hard to see only having one child. I have always known 2. I did everything I could to give you and DD a fun, happy childhood. I am sorry for the things we didn't get to do. You were so beautiful Kenadi. I know you are the prettiest little girl in Heaven. I miss your dark brown eyes. The way they sparkled when you smiled. You were such a joy to me. I will see you again one day. I know you will be there waiting for me and run to me like you would in the afternoons when I would pick you up. I miss you and love you. Always in my heart. Our memories will never leave me. Butterfly Kisses for eternity.


Sarah said...

Meredith -
I just want you to know that your family is still in my thoughts and prayers daily and will be for many many days to come. My heart aches for you and the loss of your beautiful children. I love reading about them and how they were with each other and seeing the pictures of them brings tears to my eyes. Their eyes just sparkle!! There is no stronger bond then that of twins. You are such an incredible woman and the strength you have in God is so inspiring to everyone. I hope you realize that you have touched so many lives in ways that are proabably hard to imagine. So many people across the country are pulling for you guys and surrounding you with prayers. When things like this happen its hard to understand but trust in HIM. How blessed Kaidi will be to have such beautiful angles watching over her and to have such amazing parents as you and Gregg. May God pour his greatest blessings upon you. Never lose Faith.
- Sarah

Rochelle said...

What beautiful words of love for our children. Even though I don't know you personally, I know, through reading your words, that you gave all you could to your children...and the looks on their faces in the pictures...they were happy and loved. Praying for you. So glad Kaidi will be here soon.

Rochelle Sanderson

Anonymous said...

Beautiful words I see how my much you miss them and love them I prey for yall every night

Brooke said...

Beautiful post.

Anna said...

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I'm so, so sorry. Jesus be near.

Unknown said...

I am in a million little pieces for you.

When you describe B&K's different tempermants, they remind me so much of my twins (though mine are identical boys)

I can't tell you enough, how I keep you in my prayers and think of you daily.
I drive home...crying for your twins. Thanking God for the blessings in my life, and the strength he has given you.

You are my hero.

Much love and prayer,

Jodi said...

That was really sad Meredith. I can feel the love and sadness and longing in your words. Please find some comfort in knowing you did your best for them, and they were such happy kids because of it. Thier lives were much fuller and happier than most kids have, including my own. You will pick up where you left off someday. You will. You will still get to finish raising them, and watching them grow. believe it and hold on to that.

Jodi Lewandoski

krueth said...

I love the tribute to your children....Wonderful memories to keep with you... I had tears reading and I am continuing to pray for you

Fitzgerald Family said...

Your kids were greatly loved while on this earth. It is very evident in your words and memories that they were absolutely cherished. You were a great mother to them and little Kaidi is one lucky girl to have you as a mother!

 The Morris Family said...

Still praying for you.....It is so hard, seek Him in your tears and hurts and though the pain really never goes away even in our 2 1/2 years, He gives grace and comfort. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He was the yesterday for Mary as she pondered and held thoughts of her son Jesus, He is the yesterday of Rachel as Herod slew all the 2 year old and under, He is the yesterday of David as he said he would go to be with his son, He will be your Today, and He will be our Tomorrow.

Unknown said...

Oh Meredith, im at a loss for words!!!! But i know nothing i could say would make this any easier, just know that I LOVE YOU & GREGG and im here for you two whenever you need me!!!

Hannah said...

It was so great to read what you have to say about Brayden and Kenadi. They really were great childrnen. Brayden was so smart and he took care of Kenadi, though she didn't know she needed it. Kenadi was so much like you. She didn't need anyone to entertain her. She was happy being her. You are a great Mommy. I always knew you would be. I love you! Can't wait to see that baby Kaidi!

Marie said...

Meredith, I continue to pray for you. I have nominated you for a lemonade award. In my blog post at http://allaccesspasstojack.blogspot.com/2009/10/making-lemonade.html I explain that I nominated "The Ramer Bunch for enduring unspeakable tragedy and yet continuing to put one foot in front of the other each day as you trust that the Lord really does have a plan for your good."

The Pike Family said...

I think of you and your family daily. All the way in AZ... Everyday!!! Not only do I think of you guys but I pray for peace and comfort for your family through these difficult times. Your little babies are just precious! Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts...

*Danielle* said...

wow, meredith, thats so beautiful!your such a beautiful person inside and out! i have been blessed by your blogs in so many ways i cant explain! i look up to you...always have...you were always my sunshine when i was blue in school...you always were the strong positive one when i was the weak negative one!..you made me see the good in everything!and i have seen that shine through once again through all that you have been through....you are an awesome mom, and your kids are by your side daily!they are jus waiting for you to swwop them up when you pass through those pearly gates!i can see it now!i just want you to know that if you need to talk i am here, i havent been able to talk to you till now, i have jus prayed for you bc i didnt know how i would...bt im tellin you now that if you need me im always here for you. i love you like my own sister!

Ginger said...

although I didn't personally know Brayden and Kenadi, I feel I have known them all my life because of your beautiful words. Thank you for sharing your sweet sentiments with all of us.

Unknown said...

tears , tears tears! Beautiful post Meredith. You are in my prayers.