I woke up this morning and just laid there in the silence. I remembered how just about every morning I would wake up to hearing Brayden and Kenadi in their room talking and giggling with each other. They were such good kids. I knew that then and I know it even more now. They had a special bond with each other. I am sure that it was a twin thing, but it was amazing to sit and watch or listen to them. He was so protective over her. He, starting shortly after he could walk, would come and get a cookie and you would give it to him and he would reach out his other hand and say, "sissy tookie" and you would have to give him one for her too. She was so carefree and wild, but if Brayden was crying you would see her crouch down next to him and say, "wats wong dd". We are unsure of where she got "DD" from but that is what she called him. To this day I don't know how or where she got it from but that was her name for him. She was Sissy and he was DD. They would cry for each other if they got separated. Gregg had to take Brayden with him one day to get their hair cuts and Kenadi stood at the door and cried for her DD the whole time. They had got where they started climbing up in the bed together. They have always been in separate beds. Well back in December, we broke their cribs down to toddler beds and we would go in there at night to cover them up and kiss them and they would be passed out in the bed together. I cherish each moment that I have with them. I remember the day before this all happened very well. We sold my car the Saturday before and Gregg had come and picked me up from work that Tuesday because he had taken his truck to have a warranty thing fixed. Well they had given him an old buick to drive until they got his truck ready so we went to pick up the kids from his grandparents on it. We got down there and got the kids and loaded them up in this car and as we were heading home Brayden asked me, "this your new car mommy?" and i laughed because i could not believe on how he had picked up that we were on a new car and that he questioned whether it was mine or not. I said "no" and he asked me again. Well Gregg gets in on the aggravation with me and is asking Brayden, "you like mommy's new car Brayden?" So i am hitting Gregg and Brayden starts smiling back there and whispers, "this your NEW car mommy" it was so funny.. well he fell asleep on the way home (he had not taken a nap that day). Once we got home, Gregg gets Brayden out of the car and goes and sits in the rocker with him and rocks him a while and I play with Kenadi while starting on supper. I was trying out a new recipe. :) Poppyseed Chicken. Well Kenadi goes and gets her little plastic high heels and stumbles into the kitchen while i am cooking and is just dancing and sliding all over the kitchen and saying, " Look Mama, I dancing" She wanted me to watch her so bad. She was so proud of herself. I could just see her on the stage in the years to come looking for all the attention. I decided to let her help me with some of the cooking so I took all the ritz crackers and put them in a ziploc bag and took her to her little table in the living room. I gave her a canned good and showed her how to smash the crackers. She had the best time beating on the crackers. Brayden, of course, woke up through this and we finished up supper and put them in their chairs to eat. Brayden always wanted to say the blessing. We would all grab hands and bow our heads and Brayden would say, "Jesus, I love you, tank you for my food, amen" and we would all say amen and he would say this everytime, "JESUS LOVES ME MOMMY" and he had the biggest grin on his face. it was almost as if Jesus was giving him an "ataboy" in his ear every night. I was so proud of my son. He was so smart. He could count to ten. He knew the 8 basic colors with the occasional mixup of black and brown. He knew many songs. He could read emotions and would know if something was bothering us. He was so tender hearted and compassionate. Kenadi could have cared less about the colors and numbers. She was smarter than what we gave her credit, she just really didn't care. She liked to sing. She would always interrupt any song by "WAIT WAIT WAIT" and once everyone would look at her she would break out in "ha ha ha, he he he, c'mon get silly and laugh with me, wiggle and giggle and HO HO HO, if your feeling happy, let it show" it was so funny to watch her do this because she had the hand motions and would lean back real far and grab her belly on the HO HO HO part. she loved that song. I miss hearing her crazy self sing it too. She was such a delight. It was such an honor to look at your daughter and see every bit of yourself in her. She was far more beautiful than I, but she was so marked as my child. She had the prettiest lips and eyes. I prayed for her future so many times. That those beautiful eyes would not get her in any trouble. :) Oh I miss my babies so much. It is hard for me to think of the Joy that Kaidi is going to bring us in a few months. I pray so hard for her. That she will not be constantly compared to or in the shadow of Brayden and Kenadi. I struggle with many things about our future with a family. I have already been asked the question, "so how many kids do you have?" I had already prepared myself for that one. It wasn't easy. The answers to questions I don't know yet are, How do we take a family photo? Brayden and Kenadi are suppose to be in it. How can we keep them a part of our family? It is painful for me to call Kaidi my little girl. Is that bad? How do we explain to her as she gets older that she is not the oldest? How do we healthily keep them in our lives? We are about to build a house. a house that was designed with a room for Brayden and Kenadi. What do we do in that room? How are we going to be able to pack up their stuff in 4 months or so when we aren't ready to? How do we move on when we don't want to or aren't ready to? We want a new life with Kaidi. A new house, a new start on things as a family. But I don't want to leave them. I can't leave them. I am suppose to be a mother of 3 in 3 months. I was looking forward to buying the "Big Brother, Big Sister" shirts for them. And getting them a present from Kaidi. I was looking forward to being a mom of 3 under 3. It was exciting. Now it is heartbreaking. I don't want to dwell constantly on what should have or could have been, but it is so hard not to look at my life in the future and not see them in it. I feel God constantly tugging on my heart. I know it is him doing his best to put the pieces back together. I have sang this song to God everyday going home from work and every morning coming to work. This is my song to Him. I know that he accepts it and I am delighted to know that he does in spite of all my questions and anger and doubts. He is there. I know you probably think that I am playing a lot of Mandisa, but her CD Is really helping me right now. This song is truly how I feel when I praise God.