September 2, 2009

When All That I Can Sing is a Broken Hallelujah

I woke up this morning and just laid there in the silence. I remembered how just about every morning I would wake up to hearing Brayden and Kenadi in their room talking and giggling with each other. They were such good kids. I knew that then and I know it even more now. They had a special bond with each other. I am sure that it was a twin thing, but it was amazing to sit and watch or listen to them. He was so protective over her. He, starting shortly after he could walk, would come and get a cookie and you would give it to him and he would reach out his other hand and say, "sissy tookie" and you would have to give him one for her too. She was so carefree and wild, but if Brayden was crying you would see her crouch down next to him and say, "wats wong dd". We are unsure of where she got "DD" from but that is what she called him. To this day I don't know how or where she got it from but that was her name for him. She was Sissy and he was DD. They would cry for each other if they got separated. Gregg had to take Brayden with him one day to get their hair cuts and Kenadi stood at the door and cried for her DD the whole time. They had got where they started climbing up in the bed together. They have always been in separate beds. Well back in December, we broke their cribs down to toddler beds and we would go in there at night to cover them up and kiss them and they would be passed out in the bed together. I cherish each moment that I have with them. I remember the day before this all happened very well. We sold my car the Saturday before and Gregg had come and picked me up from work that Tuesday because he had taken his truck to have a warranty thing fixed. Well they had given him an old buick to drive until they got his truck ready so we went to pick up the kids from his grandparents on it. We got down there and got the kids and loaded them up in this car and as we were heading home Brayden asked me, "this your new car mommy?" and i laughed because i could not believe on how he had picked up that we were on a new car and that he questioned whether it was mine or not. I said "no" and he asked me again. Well Gregg gets in on the aggravation with me and is asking Brayden, "you like mommy's new car Brayden?" So i am hitting Gregg and Brayden starts smiling back there and whispers, "this your NEW car mommy" it was so funny.. well he fell asleep on the way home (he had not taken a nap that day). Once we got home, Gregg gets Brayden out of the car and goes and sits in the rocker with him and rocks him a while and I play with Kenadi while starting on supper. I was trying out a new recipe. :) Poppyseed Chicken. Well Kenadi goes and gets her little plastic high heels and stumbles into the kitchen while i am cooking and is just dancing and sliding all over the kitchen and saying, " Look Mama, I dancing" She wanted me to watch her so bad. She was so proud of herself. I could just see her on the stage in the years to come looking for all the attention. I decided to let her help me with some of the cooking so I took all the ritz crackers and put them in a ziploc bag and took her to her little table in the living room. I gave her a canned good and showed her how to smash the crackers. She had the best time beating on the crackers. Brayden, of course, woke up through this and we finished up supper and put them in their chairs to eat. Brayden always wanted to say the blessing. We would all grab hands and bow our heads and Brayden would say, "Jesus, I love you, tank you for my food, amen" and we would all say amen and he would say this everytime, "JESUS LOVES ME MOMMY" and he had the biggest grin on his face. it was almost as if Jesus was giving him an "ataboy" in his ear every night. I was so proud of my son. He was so smart. He could count to ten. He knew the 8 basic colors with the occasional mixup of black and brown. He knew many songs. He could read emotions and would know if something was bothering us. He was so tender hearted and compassionate. Kenadi could have cared less about the colors and numbers. She was smarter than what we gave her credit, she just really didn't care. She liked to sing. She would always interrupt any song by "WAIT WAIT WAIT" and once everyone would look at her she would break out in "ha ha ha, he he he, c'mon get silly and laugh with me, wiggle and giggle and HO HO HO, if your feeling happy, let it show" it was so funny to watch her do this because she had the hand motions and would lean back real far and grab her belly on the HO HO HO part. she loved that song. I miss hearing her crazy self sing it too. She was such a delight. It was such an honor to look at your daughter and see every bit of yourself in her. She was far more beautiful than I, but she was so marked as my child. She had the prettiest lips and eyes. I prayed for her future so many times. That those beautiful eyes would not get her in any trouble. :) Oh I miss my babies so much. It is hard for me to think of the Joy that Kaidi is going to bring us in a few months. I pray so hard for her. That she will not be constantly compared to or in the shadow of Brayden and Kenadi. I struggle with many things about our future with a family. I have already been asked the question, "so how many kids do you have?" I had already prepared myself for that one. It wasn't easy. The answers to questions I don't know yet are, How do we take a family photo? Brayden and Kenadi are suppose to be in it. How can we keep them a part of our family? It is painful for me to call Kaidi my little girl. Is that bad? How do we explain to her as she gets older that she is not the oldest? How do we healthily keep them in our lives? We are about to build a house. a house that was designed with a room for Brayden and Kenadi. What do we do in that room? How are we going to be able to pack up their stuff in 4 months or so when we aren't ready to? How do we move on when we don't want to or aren't ready to? We want a new life with Kaidi. A new house, a new start on things as a family. But I don't want to leave them. I can't leave them. I am suppose to be a mother of 3 in 3 months. I was looking forward to buying the "Big Brother, Big Sister" shirts for them. And getting them a present from Kaidi. I was looking forward to being a mom of 3 under 3. It was exciting. Now it is heartbreaking. I don't want to dwell constantly on what should have or could have been, but it is so hard not to look at my life in the future and not see them in it. I feel God constantly tugging on my heart. I know it is him doing his best to put the pieces back together. I have sang this song to God everyday going home from work and every morning coming to work. This is my song to Him. I know that he accepts it and I am delighted to know that he does in spite of all my questions and anger and doubts. He is there. I know you probably think that I am playing a lot of Mandisa, but her CD Is really helping me right now. This song is truly how I feel when I praise God.

29 comments:

Jen said...

I'm praying for constantly.

Anonymous said...

still praying for you every day!!


"I know not what of good or ill may be reserved for me of weary ways or golden days before His face I see, but I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that day"

Anonymous said...

Stil praying for your family! I am touched by your faith.

Mom of 3 and bride-to-be! said...

I cannot believe how strong you are. I have twin boys, and I know what you mean, when you talk about that bond between them. I too, feel peace that your children came together, and left together. (As sad as that sounds) I look at my 23 month old twins, and my heart breaks. I cried my way back home yesterday, after reading your updates since going to the beach. I have prayed for you so much. My husband also, has prayed for your family. We've kissed our kids double, for your children.
You are a strong strong woman. They are not even my own children, and I break into pieces when I think of the pain you are going through. Your memories with your children are beautiful, and I hope and pray you keep them with you forever. Kaidi is a very lucky little sister, and I know that Kenadi and Brayden will constantly watch over her, you and your hubby.

God bless dear soul....my heart goes out to you. Lifting you up in prayer in a MAJOR way.

Chantal

Jessatsea said...

My heart breaks for you, as so many others. I am praying for you, your angels and your beautiful Kaidi.

your faith is just as beautiful as you seem to be.

Mary Ann Miller said...

Such a sweet, heart felt posting. Your children must have been so much fun and their funny little antics will always bring a smile to your face. That is a blessing. I feel certain that God will give you just what you need as each new question or situation arises. You are a beautiful inspiration.

Anna said...

Wishing I could reach through the computer today and give you a BIG ((hug))! It brings joy to my heart to hear about your precious babies!

Mitzi said...

Please know that you and your precious children are saving lives. You donated your precious daughters heart, to save another sweet child. You are telling their story, so another life may be saved. Plus, you have brought other to know the love of Christ--the ultimate love.
What an amazing mother you are. I am praying for you and your family-that you will find the perfect way to honor Brayden and Kenadi.

Rhonda said...

I cannot get your story out of my mind. I have twins that will be 3 in Oct. Brayden and Addyson, and my mom has a pool too. This story has hit home so much to me. I cannot fathom your loss. Your story has made me cherish the time I have with my twins. I am in awe of the courage you are showing and your faithfulness to God. You will continue to be in my prayers and thoughts. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Hold tight to HIS promises!!

Kathy said...

I know that feeling of emptiness in your home. My children bought a different house after Elizabeth was gone. It did help them feel as if they were starting over. Yet, they did not forget her nor leave her behind. Ramona kept many things and they are packed away. When she wants to see something, she gets it out and remembers and cries. The sorrow is always there, even after all this time. There are pictures of Elizabeth everywhere in their house and ours. George and I talk about her every day, and we talk about her when we are with her parents. I think that it has helped all of us to talk about her, cry when we feel like it, and laugh when we remember something funny. Your lfe will be good again, but it will never be the same as it was before. We love you both so much and are praying for you every day.
Kathy

Joyce said...

Thank you for telling stories about your children... you are helping us to know their little personalities.

I don't have answers as to how you move forward...it will take great courage and great faith and you seem to have those in abundance. I pray you are feeling the prayers of many who are lifting you up every single day. I woke up thinking about you this morning after catching up on all your posts yesterday. I am certain I'm not alone...you come to mind many times during the day and I stop to pray. There are many praying that God holds you and your husband, your new baby, and your entire family especially close right now. Keep crying out to HIm and holding on to His promises and He will make a way where there seems to be no way. He is able when we are not.

The Harper Family said...

I am going to ask my church to have special prayer for you again tonight at bible study. You have truly touched my heart and I know God has something wonderful and amazing for you. I will be in constant prayer for you. Your Arkansas prayer warrior.

Jenn VH said...

As one mother to another my heart is broken into a million pieces for you. Thank you for sharing about Brayden and Kenadi's sweet bond and personalities. You are an encouragement to many even in this time of sorrow. We are reminded to hold onto our children tighter and to not take a single day for granted. God bless you, your husband and little Kaidi. You are being held up in prayers and I know tears are falling with yours as we help and try to share your pain. God bless.
(((hugs)))
Jenn VH

Kylie, Jesse and Asher said...

Thank you for writing your raw emotions. I love the stories you shared about the twins...I feel more connected to them. All your feelings are normal and yours....I'm praying for you as you walk through this process of grief.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your beautiful kids with us. You are the strongest woman that I have "met". I am going through a very bad time in my life, and your faith have kept me going in this valley. My loss is not even close to your enormous loss, however you seem to have find the Lord's comfort. I will be praying for you, your husband and your third baby. You have touched my life in a powerful way. God Bless you

Stephanie said...

Brayden saying "Jesus loves me Mommy" is just precious. What sweet kids! I have heard your story through Kelly's Korner, and I have been praying for you every time you post.

Rob and Amy said...

Praying for your family...praying so hard. Your words and raw emotions are so touching....

and I was sort of thinking...I love the spelling of Kaidi..and it would also be very sweet to spell it Kaydi, so that she has the "ay" from Brayden and the "di" from Kenadi, as well as keeping the unique spelling. Just a thought =)

Aunt Theresa said...

so sorry for your loss. Praying for you

Sheri said...

I am in awe of your faith. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I pray for you daily to find peace and comfort. Your children are beautiful.

Fiffer said...

Thanks for sharing stories about your sweet babies. I'd love to read more. I can tell you two raised them to know and love Jesus, as you so clearly do. As you are able to write and journal your feelings through these difficult days I know God is and will use your words to reach thousands.

When my sister died suddenly and tragically at age 11, it was many years later that my mom could say, "I would have never chosen this to happen, but I can look back and see all the good that came out of it and thank God for using my child as a vessel to bring many to Him."

I pray for you each day and as my favorite hymn goes, I pray this for you..."Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow!" Take care, my friend, and know that thousands are grieving with you, but also smiling with you through the tears to know that you are pointing others to Jesus. I have no doubt that some who may never have known Jesus will be in Heaven someday because of your family's story. Take good care, and please keep writing as God directs your heart.

Erica said...

I am praying for you and your family daily. I came across your blog through a friend, my heart aches for you all but the courage and strength displayed through our Heavenly Father is amazing.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

OUR WILD ZOO! said...

every day...praying. praying. praying. You are amazing and such a testimony of strength-even if you don't feel like it. Your pain will not be wasted and I'm so incredibly proud of you and your faith/perseverence. The enemy is under your feet and behind you and we all continue to lift you in prayer.

Clementsville: Population of 4! said...

You are amazing and you are making me be a better Mom and wife! Just know you are changing lives everyday!!! I'm praying for you and your family on a daily basis! God is good and His hand is on you!

Katie

Southern Soiree said...

I came across your blog through a prayer request on another blog. I have to say my heart broke for you as I read your story. Your babies were and still are beautiful. I have been praying for you and your family in this time of sorrow.I pray that God takes you in his arms and you continue to go to him for comfort. A song that always helps me through tough situations is "Grace like rain" I'm not sure if youve heard it but if you havent you should look it up. Continuing to pray for you and your husband.
Ashley

Ben said...

your babies are beautiful...i am praying for you and your husband daily. the Lord is good and He will help you through this.

Praying for you always,
Lindsay

Cassandra said...

Meredith
Thank you for sharing that song and your story. You are minstering through your grief and faith to this mothers heart in NZ. I pray for you daily. God bless Cassandra

Karen Walker said...

Meredith
I was sent your blog. I sat in the IGA parking lot this morning and cried. Reading all that you posted was just an inspiration. I pray that God will continue to give you and Gregg the strength that you both need to go through life missing those two little angels. Just remember when we are weak He is strong.
I love you guys and will continue to lift you up in my prayers.
God bless you.
Karen Walker

Karen Walker said...

Meredith
I sat in the IGA parking lot reading your blog when someone sent it to me on my Blackberry. You are truly an inspiration and makes me realize to cherish my babies closely each day, and make the most of each moment with them. I pray continuously for God to give you and Gregg strenth to make it through life without those two baby angels. Just remember that when we are weak, HE is STRONG.
Love ya and will continue to pray for you

karenjoyharrison said...

Thank you for this post Meredith. I had a much needed cry and prayer time after reading it and listening to the song. I give Jake and Eisley twice the hugs and kisses every day and think of you every time I do.