I didn't have such a good night last night. I think it all started yesterday afternoon. I had to leave work and go get my teeth cleaned. I was a little down and driving by a cemetery just breaks my heart. It was not even the place where Brayden and Kenadi are buried, but just a cemetery. I think of the fact that my children's bodies are in the ground. I think of the fact that their bodies are not moving and are still just as they were the last time I saw them. It is so hard to imagine because when I am at home I can close my eyes and see them running all through the house. They have touched every inch of that house and it is hard not to see them everywhere I look. We had the tv on last night and watched a few new shows and I sat there depressed. It just didn't seem real, they were suppose to be jumping on the couch and dragging all the toys out of their room into the living room. I was suppose to have Barney blaring in their room and wet foot prints from the bathroom to the living room where they would always run in to the living room after their bath for Gregg to chase them. There was suppose to be food all over their high chair trays and crumbs all underneath their chairs. I was suppose to be in their room playing with them. I was suppose to put them in their separate beds and then later come in to check on them before I went to bed and find them snuggled up together in her bed. It's not suppose to look like it did last night. Boo and Trooper are lonely. Their room is too clean, their beds are too straight. It's too quiet. Mercy Me CD is suppose to be coming through the walls from their room as I go to bed. Not Silence. It is so painful to lay my head on my pillow at night and know that my normal routine of kissing them and covering them up every single night before I go to bed has been taken away from me. Nothing can replace that. Nothing can replace the peace you feel when you see your child dreaming away. Hair swept across her face, drool coming out of his mouth. Butts up in the air! The rise and fall of their chests. slight snore from their nostrils. I always loved rubbing their soft cheeks at night. the lavender smell of their lotion was so pleasant and relaxing. I miss them so much. I miss the liveliness they filled our house with. the joy. the fun. the happiness. even the whining and the crying and the fussing. I miss it all so much. I miss being exhausted from running them all evening or all weekend. i would give anything for that exhaustion again. not the exhaustion I am experiencing now, Exhausted from running myself all weekend so i don't have to sit at my quiet house and think about all the things i should be doing on my saturdays and sundays. Running to keep my mind going. Coming home late during the work week just so we can crash when we get home and not have to think about them too much. Running. I have ran for the past 6 weeks. solid. I sit and wonder sometimes, "will it ever end" "will i ever have the life in me again" I came across a picture of me holding Brayden and Kenadi when they were about 4-5 months old. I had rocked both of them to sleep in my arms and they looked so peaceful. Kenadi had her little hand clipped on to my shirt like she always did when she was sleepy. I called her my little paperclip. I looked at that picture and cried. I wondered if I would ever see that smile in me again. that joy. that pride. Would I ever have those sparkling eyes of happiness again. Or would I forever see the eyes of pain and loss. Would my eyes tell the story of heartache and grief. It's such a lonely life when you lose a child. I know that I still have Gregg and I am so thankful for the way this has brought us even closer together but he too is empty and lonely. 2 huge pieces of our hearts have been ripped out. We are doing the best we can, the best we know how. How do you work through this? This is not something that just goes away in a day or a week or a month. It is there every time we open our eyes. Even when we close them sometimes too. I have dreamed of them a few times. Mostly here recently. Dreamed of holding them when they were younger and I guess it is just the way my mind is helping me remember some of the precious times. I cannot tell you how precious my memories are. How painful they can be sometimes. God is holding me. And I tell him every moment to kiss my babies and tell them how much I love them. Thank God for our memory. That is all I have left with my first born son and first born daughter. I know God has work to do through this. Sometimes I question Why and I know that that is ok. God wants us to ask him Why. He wants us to come to him when we are weary and burdened. He wants to restore us. He wants to give us the rest we need. He wants us to call out to him in the least of things and the worst of things. He is always there, waiting. His hand is alway on us, even when we don't feel it. He can't always give us answers right away, but in due time we will see the fruit of his work. God has a plan and a purpose in each of our lives. Sometimes we try so hard to control it ourselves and credit ourselves, but I had no control over this. I have no control over how I am grieving and coping. God has his work in it. He has a hold on my heart. He allows me to fall apart for 3 days and cry for peace and comfort and then restores me for 2 days to enjoy what is happening around me. I have a new creation inside of me. She is tossing and tumbling inside of me. Sometimes when I miss B&K so much she gives me a little kick. It's like she is letting me know that I have a lot to look forward to, to trust God. God is faithful. He will replenish my household. He will restore some of my joy and happiness with each grinning baby that he creates inside of me. Praise God for his faithfulness. His love endures forever!
As I went back and proofread my post, it is amazing to see God at work. The post is such a roller coaster of emotions. What is amazing and comforting is that no matter how rough the ride is, I am still on the track since I have Jesus in my life. God has a promise to finish the good work he has started. Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I know that right now it is hard for me to see the good work that God has in my life with all that is falling apart around me, but I know if I press on I will get to the other side. God will be glorified. Satan will be defeated. Allow God to finish His work in you. Give him control. Surrender to him. He will deliver you. He will guide you where you need to go. I can tell you that because I am experiencing it myself. The road ahead will not be easy and the path behind me seems so small. But God is walking with me every step of the way.