September 22, 2009

weekend

This weekend was full of some ups and downs. We went to the homecoming football game Friday night. We didn't get there until the middle of the third quarter because we had a wedding rehearsal that night. I noticed walking in and out how much I had changed. I kept my head down and mostly looked in front of my feet. Not because I was shy or anything, but because it was our first BIG public local exposure. I could feel the stares, the reminder of what was missing. I knew it anyway. I thought of how much fun it would have been with them there with us. To show them "Opie" and let them dance with the music.  Gregg and I talked when we got back to the truck that it went better than expected. Saturday morning Gregg had plans to go work on some hunting land with some friends. He left early and brought me back a biscuit. :) I spent the morning doing some cleaning and straightening up. I won't lie, I spent a lot of the morning in their room. I finally cleaned out a paper bag that we brought home with us from Children's hospital the day Brayden passed away. It had 2 memory pillows, 2 memory boxes and 3 pieces of paper with Brayden's footprints on them. It tore open the wound again on remembering him there and remembering making the copies of those prints. I did one foot and the social worker did the other. I got out the cast that the funeral home made for me of both of their feet in a double frame. I traced my hand along the impression and just pushed it across the floor. angry that that was all that i had left. why didn't anything help me? I grabbed up a short sleeve jacket that Kenadi had wore the day before she passed away. It was hung up on the back of the little chair in their room. I sniffed it with every breath my lungs could fill. Nothing. I smelled nothing. I wanted so badly to smell them again. I laid my head on the pillow in her crib and closed my eyes remembering the two of them laying there one sunday afternoon for a nap.  All that lay there now was poor, lonely Boo bear. I stroked my hand across his ragged fur. It seemed like years ago that they were laying there. It was only 2 months ago. Am I forgetting them? It is such a struggle to go on with life sometimes. It's easy to feel guilty.  We went to the wedding and it was a lil painful. Brayden was suppose to be the ring bearer and Kenadi the flowergirl. All I could see is her in that beautiful white dress she had on the day she was buried. I could see her twirling around in it tossing rose petals all over Heaven. We left the wedding and headed home. We had some friends coming over to enjoy some football, cheese dip and taco soup that simmered in the crockpot all afternoon at our house. My friend, Ashton, and I got tired of watching football and decided to do a little bit of painting. I bought some frames a while back and have never done anything with them so we decided to get crafty. It was fun. I started on something for Kaidi and will soon have the finished results of it on here! :) Sunday morning we went to Sunday school and morning worship. After church we had lunch with Gregg's parents and sister and then went to his parents house for the rest of the evening. First time I had been there in a long time. I believe it was the Saturday before the kids passed since I had even been to Georgianna. We sold my car to a lady in Montgomery and were meeting her in Georgianna to give it to her. It was a nice visit and we came home late Sun. night. Things were not easy Sunday night. Gregg worked outside on a dresser that he started on before the kids passed. It is a dresser that my Granddaddy built in 1979 and has been painted 500 times. We were planning on stripping it and one of the twins cribs for Kaidi. Plans have changed now, but the dresser was already half stripped so we have to finish it. I spent a lot of Sunday night in the kids room before I went to bed. I prayed so hard. Prayed for them. Even though they are in a perfect place, it was something I did in that room every night and I felt I needed to. I asked God about them. Asked him to fill my memory with them. Prayed for Kaidi and her health and life. Prayed that God do his will and prepare my heart for whatever his will was. It's all I know to pray anymore. It's all I should have ever prayed before, I guess. We lay in bed last night and had our faces to each other. I thought of Butterfly kisses and wept. Brayden and Kenadi loved butterfly kisses and I had completely forgotten about that until last night. It also sparked the memory that the recent pic I had posted of B&K on my facebook profile was actually Brayden giving Kenadi butterfly kisses and she thought it was so funny.


Gregg took this with his phone while we were in Birmingham for a week back in May. I love it. As you can see Boo is there too. :) They are always so happy together. I remember how rough that night was. I laid them in the bed together and all they did was play. finally we had to separate them to get them to go to sleep. They loved each other so much. I am thankful for that. It makes me heart smile. I hope that their memory lives on in my heart forever. I know everyone tells me that it will, but it is easy to forget the small things like butterfly kisses and building burdie houses and sliding down the back side of the tub while taking a bath. I want to remember everything, big and small.

25 comments:

Sarah said...

Meredith, I dont know you or your family but my heart aches for you. I pray for you and Gregg everyday because your story has touched me in so many different ways. I am so proud of you for pouring your heart out in your blog to everyone and I hope that in some small way it is theraputic for you to express those emotions. Your feelings are so raw and honest. I wish I had words to ease your pain but all I can offer are my prayers. May God pour his blessings upon you and your family. The ultra sound pics you posted of your beautiful daughter are amazing...she has so many characteristics of the twins!! God Bless you. Hugs and Prayers from Montana.

1 Peter 5:6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Jenifer said...

Oh Meredith, your post has me crying. I can not begin to imagine the tears you have cried. When I think of you, I hug my little ones tighter, try to overlook the messes, the crumbs on the floor and shoes in the hallway...I know I should cherish them. Please know that your story changes those of us that read it. May God bless you and your family. I can't wait for the day that you welcome your little one.
Love,
Jenifer

Stephanie said...

Meredith - My heart just breaks for you every time I read your posts, but I am also so in awe of your faith and your perseverance. I pray that you will always treasure those memories, that they will always be vivid, that you will remember everything you want to, that the Lord will give you that. When you were talking about wanting to remember it made me think of the verse that says:

"Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:19

I know you treasure all of the time you had with B & K. I pray for you, your husband, and your new baby girl to have healing and peace in your life. On this side of Heaven it makes NO SENSE to me why all of this has happened to you, but I know one day you will see that little ring bearer and flower girl because of our Lord and Savior!

Carolyn said...

I have been wondering how your mother is coping with what happened. Please let us know. My heart aches for all of you!

Kathryn said...

The song "Butterfly Kisses" was one that came out when our daughter died. Butterfly kisses always make me cry. My daughter likes to give them to me now. They bring back painful memories of the little girl we lost. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your blog has been such an encouragement to me.

Hugs ~ Kathryn

Janell L Fredericks said...

Meredith,

My heart breaks for you!!!
I am a mommy of identical girl twins and I often am filled w/ anxiety because I know I can't protect them and their safety every minute of everyday!!! When I heard your story I about collapsed for you, your husband, and your mother......life is NEVER going to be the same I am sure but, I pray daily for you, greg, and your mom that God will grant you peace.....

Chrissy said...

Meredith,
I love you guys and am praying for you. I ask that God gives you a double portion of His Spirit. I want you to know that He is using the two of you for His glory. I care for both of you and hope that I can somehow be a blessing to the two of you. Thanks for being real! In His Grip,
Chrissy Foley Schofield

The Morris Family said...

Praying daily for you....its one day at a time, your working, praying, crying your way through it, really there's no other way. Stay in the Word, He will give you verses that will penetrate the pain and give a gentle peace. Meredith, we will always have tears, we will miss them as long as we have breath, seek Him with all your being and He will come to those places in your heart that are so deep and hurting....let Him.

Here if needed....

Cindy

Kelly said...

I pray for you regularly and read your posts, although I don't comment alot. May God give you grace and healing each and everyday.

How is your mom coping with everything? I have been thinking of her and praying for her too.

Marie said...

Meredith, you have touched my heart and I pray for you. Your honesty is so wonderful. Keep being honest. Keep being real. God honors that. I truly believe that God loves it when we (his children) come to him as honest little children and pour out our true thoughts and feelings. That's real relationship and he will send you the comforter.

dg darling said...

Praying for you every day...

Kylie and crew. said...

God answered you!!! So awesome to read how you prayed for memories and that you wouldn't forget and then you went to be with you husband and had a flood of memories come to mind. How awesome God is....even when we do not understand His timing or plan we have FAITH that He is good all the time. Your heart of prayer is awesome to see!!

Alexa said...

♥ luvin on you & praying for you...

Karen Harrison said...

I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you sweetie. Every single day, I pray for you and my heart breaks for you. Every time you think of a small memory like that, you should write it down. The cute things they said, something that made you smile. Write them down and read them when you are feeling like they are far away from you. I really think it would bring you some comfort and reassure you that you will never forget them or all the little memories you have.

Love,
Karen

Theresa said...

You are such an inspiration. I grieve along with you as you write about your beautiful children. I wish I could hug you, your sadness is palpable. May you continue to feel the peace that passes all understanding.

Theresa said...

I too have wondered about your mother in law. I hope that she is able to understand that she is not responsible. I pray that she too feels the peace of Christ.

Ramona said...

In some of my deepest pains and sorrows, I have found comfort in Jesus by quoting scripture in prayer and praise and pleas. We will see our babies again in a wonderful pain-free happy place!

Phil 4: 4-7
4 Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! 5 Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.
6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Laura said...

I am always praying for you, I pray that God continues to fill your mind with their beautiful memories.

Heather from Ontario Canada said...

I'm new here. Keep writng and it will help you to keep remembering. I think of you often and pray for you too. May God continue to give you strength each new day.

Misty said...

Meredith, I'm sorry that I got emotional yesterday on the phone. I was going to stay strong for you. I just wanted you to know that you are loved by so many in our small town and that everyone is praying for you, Gregg and your whole family. When you walked into that ballgame and you felt everyone looking at you, I also hope that you felt the love that
everyone has for you. You have been such an inspiration to me as well as to others. You are truly a very special woman that God has
chosen to work for him. You have touched so many peoples lives with
your blogs and you are such and encouragement to others
even though what you have went through, your strength, love and faith have continued to shine through for our heavenly father above. You have made me take a look at my life and my
relationship with our lord and for that I am grateful to you.
Take your time in healing and make your memory books of your two
precious babies. It will bring you peace and it will warm your heart in the days to come. I am praying for you and again I love you.

ty said...

my heart breaks for you and your family, but your strength and positivity are inspiring.

and that picture is wondeful :)

in my prayers.

The Rogers Family said...

Your post left me in tears..I prayed for such a long time for you guys last night, God just put you on my heart in a mighty way... I thank you for sharing your feelings, know that it helps other people appreciate the gifts they have been given a little more and the time they have with loved ones.
I know that soon you will hold the lovely Kaidi in your arms and cherish every moment to it's fullest, it doesn't bring back what is lost, but it will bring you more joy and memories.. continue to write and keep those little memories of Brayden and Kenadi...
Hugs and prayers every day...

Mom of 3 and bride-to-be! said...

I don't know why I do it. I sit here, read your words, try to fill your shoes, and I weep. WHAT would I do, if I lost my twins. My oldest? This baby I am carrying?
What if I never got to give and receive butterfly kisses from my children?
My heart breaks SO BAD for you and your hubby. Your faith blows my mind. Your strength shakes me to my core. Would I be as strong? Does God know that I would lay down to die if I had to walk in your shoes??
I'm not as strong as you are...I know I'm not.....

Your children are soooo beautiful...

Thinking of you always, and always in my prayers.

Chantal

Stacie Donaldson said...

Meredith, I have loved you from the first day I met you. You have always held a specal place in my heart and so does that husband of yours. I really don't think you will forget those memories, but I would get creative and document as many as you can. You will need to share them with Kaidi and she will share them with others as well. You are so crafty, I know you will come up with something that is just as beautiful as those two angels are. You are right, they are dancing in Heaven, watching over you and Gregg each day. We love you and hope to get together soon. Take care and I am always here for you.

Jenifer said...

I prey for you and Gregg every night I prey for yall to find some kind of peace and to keep memory...