September 3, 2009

Sara Kaidince Ramer

Gregg and I talked a lot about having another child. We decided that this time we would wait for God to give us an answer instead of doing like we have done with some of our other decisions and pray about them and then go ahead with what WE think is best. I had been praying for a while about it, and Gregg was still unsure. He was reading his men's Bible study one night and it asked a question, " What does God seek from a Godly Marriage?" or something like that? I am a lil unsure of the exact question. Well it told him to read Malachi 2:15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. HELLO? Could God be any more clearer? :) Gregg read it to me and so then we decided to come off of birth control. Within 6 weeks I was pregnant. God has blessed me so much. I pray for Kaidi all the time. I pray that she will be healthy and live a long life full of happiness. I pray that we can easily take her in and love her so much and her know that. I know you may sit there and think "why would you pray that, it will be easy to do" .. honestly, I cannot wait for the day she gets here but the heartbroken side of me worries about that day. I am so worried that I may find it hard to give her all the love she deserves because so much of me is missing and hurting. So much of me will miss my twins. I know that I will love her and be happy. But I worry that it will be an artificial joy. I know this doesn't make much sense to some of you but I am sure there are those out there that can relate. Those that have lost a child and know that they can never be replaced and hold firm that they wont be replaced. Brayden and Kenadi were our life! It is hard now to imagine happiness without them. I pray that I find an understanding in the love I am to give to Kaidi. Gregg asked me this morning, " Do you think we will be the same kind of parents for Kaidi?" I stood there, "no, we will never be the same, but we were good parents to them and they were really good kids and I hope that we are.. our perspective on life is different now, we will cherish each and every moment with her, she may be spoiled" it's hard all these questions that we face daily, Brayden and Kenadi were spoiled too, but they were good kids and they minded us. I want to raise Kaidi exactly the same. I want her to be as sweet and as smart and as well behaved as they were. Our life will actually be kinda boring with just one. :) All we have ever known as 2. Since we became parents we have been busy! :) We will have to fight over holding her because before we always had one to hold or feed or rock. She may be pretty spoiled.. that's ok. Time is short and children are precious! I long for the 2,3,4,5,6 AM feedings. I am going to rock her to sleep and sing to her every night. We didn't rock Brayden and Kenadi to sleep. We put them down and they went to sleep on their own. But I know this part of me will be different.. I will rock that baby :)... She still will not sleep with us in the bed, but I will rock her to sleep! :) I will sing to her and read to her and tell her all about her brother and sister who are watching over her while she sleeps and I will tell her of Jesus and how He is taking care of them and of her.
Gregg's sister seems to be very excited about this pregnancy. She wasn't as excited when I was pregnant with B&K. I think it is her age and maybe even now that she realizes how precious babies are. She was asking me what kinda things I thought about with Kaidi. Did I think about what she was going to look like and all. You know, that same question was asked of me 2 weeks ago and it really bothered me. "How could you ask me that question right now?" "Make me have to think of what I long my child to look like" "I want her to look just like her big sister, same brown hair and eyes and my horrible nose and those beautiful lips and smile" it is painful to think of that though.. i remember praying right after they passed away "God please let Kaidi look just like Kenadi but NO prettier" Isn't that awful of me. I mean really...
How could anything be more beautiful than my last shot of Kenadi. She was truly an image of God laying in that casket. So now I am kinda rethinking how I want Kaidi to look. honestly, i really don't have a preference. Brayden looked just like Gregg and he was beautiful and Kenadi looked just like me and she was beautiful so either way I will have a beautiful child :) Created by God himself! :) Sound pretty cocky huh? :)I don't mean it that way... Oh me, I think I will end on the note of beautiful children. Leaves me with a smile in my heart and on my face.

22 comments:

Carla said...

Meredith, you and Gregg are an inspiration, I pray for you guys often....

Anonymous said...

You are such an incredible woman and mother. I pray for you daily. God Bless your family.

Stephanie said...

She is going to be beautiful, and you are going to have the perfect love for her. It may be different this time, but you are still going to love her!

I have been praying for you both. I have also been praying for your dear mother, I am sure this has been terrible for her.

Bethany said...

You are so candid and honest; I love it. I just realized today that your son died on my birthday. I will always remember that. I continue to pray for you and Gregg, and for your little boy and girl in Heaven. I know that your little girl on the way will be beautiful no matter what, and even though you have such a heavy heart over what has happened, you will be a wonderful mother to her just as you have been to your twins. Thank you for all that you've shared.

Anonymous said...

Hi Meredith,

I found your blog from Kelly's Korner when she posted a prayer request for you and your family. I just wanted you to know that I am (and have been!) praying for you and your husband daily...that the Lord would lift you both and give you comfort each day. I stop by here every morning to check on you and will continue to lift you up as you prepare for Kaidi's arrival.

~Dana in Columbus, MS

Heather said...

She will be beautiful and you are a beautiful woman that inspires me on a daily basis in my walk with our Heavenly Father. B&K were beautiful, and they did look just like their mom and dad. Praying for you.

Grami's girls said...

I only discovered your blog a a couple of weeks ago and I am drawn to it everyday. I cannot imagine what you must be going through, my heart aches for you and your family. As a Grami I cannot fathom how your mom is dealing with this. I do know this....the Lord tells us "Be still and know that I am God". Don't worry about everything, stop trying to figure everything out, God will lead you every step. HE has given you another child and HE has a plan. Relax and enjoy the blessing. Your family are in my prayers...

Sarah said...

Praying blessings on you and Gregg and precious Baby Kaidi. My heart hurts for you over the loss of B&K and I look forward to rejoicing with you when Kaidi arrives. Your love for the Lord and hope in Him is an encouragement to me. Thanks for sharing your heart.

Megan said...

I'm so incredibly sad for your family. I cannot imagine what you are going through.

I will be praying for you and your husband. I am so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

I don't always comment, but read you blog all the time. I love hearing of the twins and the stories you share.

I pray for you and your whole family, I pray GOD is holding you in his grip.

Take care

e.m. said...

I have thought of you often and prayed for your family. You are right, it won' be the same and you will cherish every milestone and smile. I hope each day brings you and your family more peace.

Ashley Broach said...

Meredith,
I am also a mommy of twins (identical boys) and lost one of them last December when they were 18 months. I do understand the hurt, pain and crazy thoughts you're having, and I know God is holding you so close right now. I pray your new baby will be such a blessing and bring smiles amidst the heartache. I am glad you're finding something to praise Him for during this time of horrible pain - He will not forsake you!!! Prayers, Ashley www.ashleybroach.blogspot.com

Allison said...

Kaidi is going to be beautiful in her own way! I cant wait to "meet" her when she comes! Praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Meredith,
Wow I just got to read you blogs from an email I got from a lady I know well that you go to church with. WOW! After reading them you have touched my life in so so many ways God has been dealing with me all afternoon. You have such a testimony. I actually went to walmart and bought Mandisa's cd. Thanks so much for sharing and please continue to share you have no idea how much your blessing me and encouraging me. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

MERE, it's me :) (you know *haha*) I love ending my days by reading a B & K story. And love the new background :)

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blogs, they are good for my heart and they make me smile, even when i dont feel like it!!! Love you!!!

Gina

The Pink Owl said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for and thinking of you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Your written words are truly from God. You are an inspiration to everyone that reads your blog. I pray for you, your husband, and gift from God that you will be holding in a short time. I am a grandmother so I think and pray for your mother. Please let us know how she is doing. Hold to God's hand.

The Morris Family said...

Meredith,
Praying for you!!

Cindy

karenjoyharrison said...

Kaidi is already such a blessed little baby to have you as a mama. You will not love her the same as Kenadi and Brayden, she will be loved in her own special way. A mama's heart grows with every child, there is always room for more love. I completely understand the fears you have. Thank you for sharing your heart with the world, you have no idea the lives you are touching just by being honest. I have a special surprise for little Kaidi and can't wait to send it! Thinking of you every single day,

Karen

Marie said...

I just found your blog. I love the way you are sharing your heart about your prayers for Kaidi.

Kathy said...

Parents who have one child and are expecting another one have the same thoughts that you are having right now - Will I love this child as much as I love the first one? I remember thinking the same thing as the second birth approached. Of course, I did love him just as much as the frst one. As you know from having Brayden and Kenadi, you love each child equally, but you love each in his/her own way. Each one's needs are different, and you try to fit your parenting to the child. Kaidi is going to be beautiful, in her own way, and you are going to be happy again. You will never be the same as before this tradegy, but you will find happiness again. I am so proud of the manner in which you are both supporting each other instead of dwelling on your own sorrow. You are presenting a beautiful picture of the love in a marriage as it should be - the same as the love of Christ for His church. Keep going! Better days are ahead!
Kathy