September 8, 2009
My mind is a playground today. I had a pretty bad morning. I had no desire to get out of bed this morning. Part of it was just the pure exhaustion from this long weekend and the other part was I just couldn't get over the fact that my children were gone. Over the weekend as we were laying in bed, I just started crying while looking at Gregg. All I could think was that those beautiful eyes my son had were looking at me from my husband. I cried wondering if he thought the same thing when he looked at me. Was it hard for him to look at me at times because of the remarkable resemblance of my daughter. The same pain I felt looking at him sometimes when seeing Brayden in his eyes. I rolled over this morning and saw the photo of Gregg and I that we took riding down the road one day back in 2005. I had on those pearls that I buried with my daughter. I had been in my brothers wedding earlier that day and still had them on. I looked at that picture and wondered if we would have been able to take a picture of Brayden and Kenadi around that same age would it look very much like the one in the frame by my bed. My eyes then wandered to the sea shell and sand dollar that sat on my nightstand. Gregg and I had bought those at the beach on our first anniversary. I remembered how much Kenadi loved to come in there and grab that shell and put it to her ear. She was my beach buddy. I remember the first time we took them to the beach. It was in November of 2007. I had planned that we would do that every November and take pictures of the 4 of us for our Christmas card. We used one of just the 2 of them the first year They just were beginning to sit up and we had many topples that afternoon. Good thing they were on sand! :) Here is a great one of the 2 of them with Gregg And then of course we had to get one of me with them. I was so proud of them. I remember getting home that night and giving them their first tub bath. Their first bath together. They loved it! Of course I had to sit there and constantly hold on to Kenadi because she still hadn't quite mastered the sitting up position. :) This past year we took the photo that is at the top of my blog, but I wanted a better one of the kids. We were playing peekaboo with them in our bed one night and they had on their Christmas pj's so it ended up being the perfect shot. I told Gregg the other night that it really made me smile at how the pictures in which Brayden and Kenadi look the happiest are always the pictures that they are in together. They really loved each other so much. They were so special. I cannot tell you the time I have spent leaning on their Car's couch in their room and just closed my eyes and tried to remember the many times we played with them in there. I would grab Kenadi's boo bear and just hope that it brought a lil more memory to mind. She carried that thing all over the place. We bought that for her when she had her kidney surgery at 13 weeks down in Pensacola at Sacred Heart Hospital. She dragged him just about everywhere she went. His poor neck was out of stuffing. He still has a cheese curl stain beside his nose and I get such a sense of her when I hold that ragged bear. Brayden didn't have much that he clung to like she did her Boo bear but I look around the room and see all his balls all over the place. There are several that have rolled under the bed, his bat sits on the shelf along with the blocks that he always wanted his daddy to help him build a "burdy house" with. Oh I miss them so much. Everything I see reminds me of them. No matter what it is, I can make Brayden and Kenadi out of it. I hurt. The pain gets harder everyday. More real, More exhausting. Somebody said something to me today that really bothered me. Something to the extent of that Gregg and I were getting to go and do too much and too many people were doing things for us. As much as I have enjoyed the blessings people have poured upon us, I would give it all back and more in a heartbeat just to be back to my life. The life I am suppose to be living. The life that so many of you are taking for granted EVERY night when your child is getting on your nerves or you are tired from working all day and then coming home and cooking supper and bathing kids and putting them to bed and then doing laundry and other household chores before you hit the sack just to wake up and start all over again in the morning. I would give ANYTHING to have that back. I would love to see my children in their high chairs throwing spaghetti on my beige carpet and then coloring all over the bathtub walls with their tub crayons and having to scrub the enamel off the tub just to get it off after they have gone to bed. I would give anything to hear one of them cry in the middle of the night and wake me up because they don't feel good or rolled off the bed. ANYTHING just to hear Mommy one more time. Anything to feel the warmth of their tiny hands in mine. Not the cold ones that I last remember. I cannot tell you enough to enjoy your kids. I cannot tell you enough to look back and question "is it worth fussing over now?" Something that won't even matter in a year, a month, a week? Cherish your kids. Good and Bad! All of our days are numbered.