September 8, 2009

Playground

My mind is a playground today. I had a pretty bad morning. I had no desire to get out of bed this morning. Part of it was just the pure exhaustion from this long weekend and the other part was I just couldn't get over the fact that my children were gone. Over the weekend as we were laying in bed, I just started crying while looking at Gregg. All I could think was that those beautiful eyes my son had were looking at me from my husband. I cried wondering if he thought the same thing when he looked at me. Was it hard for him to look at me at times because of the remarkable resemblance of my daughter. The same pain I felt looking at him sometimes when seeing Brayden in his eyes. I rolled over this morning and saw the photo of Gregg and I that we took riding down the road one day back in 2005. I had on those pearls that I buried with my daughter. I had been in my brothers wedding earlier that day and still had them on. I looked at that picture and wondered if we would have been able to take a picture of Brayden and Kenadi around that same age would it look very much like the one in the frame by my bed. My eyes then wandered to the sea shell and sand dollar that sat on my nightstand. Gregg and I had bought those at the beach on our first anniversary. I remembered how much Kenadi loved to come in there and grab that shell and put it to her ear. She was my beach buddy. I remember the first time we took them to the beach. It was in November of 2007. I had planned that we would do that every November and take pictures of the 4 of us for our Christmas card. We used one of just the 2 of them the first year They just were beginning to sit up and we had many topples that afternoon. Good thing they were on sand! :) Here is a great one of the 2 of them with Gregg And then of course we had to get one of me with them. I was so proud of them. I remember getting home that night and giving them their first tub bath. Their first bath together. They loved it! Of course I had to sit there and constantly hold on to Kenadi because she still hadn't quite mastered the sitting up position. :) This past year we took the photo that is at the top of my blog, but I wanted a better one of the kids. We were playing peekaboo with them in our bed one night and they had on their Christmas pj's so it ended up being the perfect shot. I told Gregg the other night that it really made me smile at how the pictures in which Brayden and Kenadi look the happiest are always the pictures that they are in together. They really loved each other so much. They were so special. I cannot tell you the time I have spent leaning on their Car's couch in their room and just closed my eyes and tried to remember the many times we played with them in there. I would grab Kenadi's boo bear and just hope that it brought a lil more memory to mind. She carried that thing all over the place. We bought that for her when she had her kidney surgery at 13 weeks down in Pensacola at Sacred Heart Hospital. She dragged him just about everywhere she went. His poor neck was out of stuffing. He still has a cheese curl stain beside his nose and I get such a sense of her when I hold that ragged bear. Brayden didn't have much that he clung to like she did her Boo bear but I look around the room and see all his balls all over the place. There are several that have rolled under the bed, his bat sits on the shelf along with the blocks that he always wanted his daddy to help him build a "burdy house" with. Oh I miss them so much. Everything I see reminds me of them. No matter what it is, I can make Brayden and Kenadi out of it. I hurt. The pain gets harder everyday. More real, More exhausting. Somebody said something to me today that really bothered me. Something to the extent of that Gregg and I were getting to go and do too much and too many people were doing things for us. As much as I have enjoyed the blessings people have poured upon us, I would give it all back and more in a heartbeat just to be back to my life. The life I am suppose to be living. The life that so many of you are taking for granted EVERY night when your child is getting on your nerves or you are tired from working all day and then coming home and cooking supper and bathing kids and putting them to bed and then doing laundry and other household chores before you hit the sack just to wake up and start all over again in the morning. I would give ANYTHING to have that back. I would love to see my children in their high chairs throwing spaghetti on my beige carpet and then coloring all over the bathtub walls with their tub crayons and having to scrub the enamel off the tub just to get it off after they have gone to bed. I would give anything to hear one of them cry in the middle of the night and wake me up because they don't feel good or rolled off the bed. ANYTHING just to hear Mommy one more time. Anything to feel the warmth of their tiny hands in mine. Not the cold ones that I last remember. I cannot tell you enough to enjoy your kids. I cannot tell you enough to look back and question "is it worth fussing over now?" Something that won't even matter in a year, a month, a week? Cherish your kids. Good and Bad! All of our days are numbered.

41 comments:

Jodi Lewandoski said...

I think about you every day Meredith. I would give anything for you to have them back. Yet all I can do is pray. I pray God sends them both back to you in Kaidi.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are enduring, but try to remember that the time you will have WITH them, will far out way the time you have to be without them.

Praying for you in St.Michael,MN

All About Aleigha said...

I also think about you daily. Just the other night we had friends over (that I had not seen in months) and Aleigha was restless & would not go to sleep. For a second I was getting irritated that she wouldn't go to sleep & henry was having to keep them company but then I couldn't stop thinking of your pain & some of your previous post and suddenly my irritation went away and all I could think about was not being able to put her to sleep ever again. Needless to say I ended up falling asleep with her in the bed. My heart aches for you & the pain you go through daily b/c of your loss. I will continue to pray for you & your husband.

Bethany said...

Thank you for reminding me once again of how blessed I am even in the moments when my kids are giving me more work to do, are whining, or are just plain getting on my nerves. My heart aches for you and I so much wish I could somehow take away your pain. I cannot, but God can, and he will. Trust in him and give it all to him. I'm sorry that person made such a rude comment about your situation...that is just awful. There is never too much someone could do for you right now and you deserve every little thing that anyone blesses you with. Hang in there. Sending you lots of love!

Mary Ann Miller said...

Dear Meredith,

I enjoyed the sweet pictures you posted today. I think you need a big hug today.....I know that's impossible, so I will whisper another prayer on your behalf and ask God to give you the tender hug that only he can give. His shoulder is big, his hand comforting, and his heart full of love for you and your hubby. I hope you get a good rest tonight and hope that tomorrow will be a little bit brighter for you. We care.

Mary Ann

Anonymous said...

Meredith - I think about you daily. I live across the country from you and have never met but you have made such an impact on my life. My heart aches for you. I wish I could take away all of your pain. Remember all of the great times you had with your beautiful children. I pray that you can look at Kaidi and see the twins in her. She is one lucky girl to have such incredible angels watching over her. I wish I was able to hug you. As hard as it is to understand and grasp...Trust in Him. God is going to help you get through this. Dont lose faith. I am sorry someone made a rude comment to you...they obviously don't understand your pain. I will continue to pray for you and your family daily. God Bless you. Prayers and Hugs from Sarah in Montana.

Kylie and crew. said...

Grief sucks! It's such an important process to walk through but it just plain sucks when you shouldn't have to be grieving over your lost children.

I'm sorry for the nasty comment you heard today. I'm glad that people are doing things for you, that you are your hubby are getting blessed in the midst of tragedy....I'm praying for whoever said that to you....their heart seems like it may be hurting and that they don't know how to process.

Thanks again for being vulnerable with your thoughts. I continue to pray and think of you daily!

One day you will enjoy heaven with your children forever!! What a hope to cling to.

Anonymous said...

So sorry for all you are going through. Hugs and Prayers to you and your families.Years ago right after my Dad died I spoke of putting flowers on his grave and a dear friend commented that putting flowers on a grave was a waste of time and money because my loved one wasn't there he was in heaven. One year later her husband died suddenly and then a few months later her Mom died. I guess she forgot about the comment she made about the flowers because she put flowers on their graves. I never mentioned what she had said to me but I haven't forgotten it and I wish she hadn't suffered losses. But apparently the person who hurt your feelings by making comments has no clue as to what you are going through. The saying is true:
Until you walk a mile in someone's shoes you have no clue what they are going through. I truly believe this. God Bless you all and your unborn baby girl.Stay strong and keep the faith. God has big plans for you and your family!!!

Amanda Henderson said...

Thank you for your reminder to not take children for granted! Still praying for you and think about you often. Maybe we can get together soon if you are up to it.
Amanda

dg darling said...

I think of you so often even though I don't know you and I pray for you daily. I was just wondering if you are getting any help in the form of therapy or anti-depressants. I know that you are pregnant but I took Effexor through my last pregnancy after my OB told me it was safe. I hope you won't be offended by these suggestions. I just know I wouldn't be able to cope without help of some kind and thought I'd throw it out there...

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to add to the list of people who are praying for you and your family! I came across your blog last week and haven't commented yet, but just feel the need to now. Your words have touched me in a huge way! I do not have children yet, but my husband and I plan to in the next few years. Believe me when I say that you have no idea how your story is changing peoples' lives, I know it has mine. It has blessed me in so many ways. I hurt for you, and have been praying for you, for strength and hope through this time in your life. You have SO many people praying for you, more than you probably know. Stay strong, turn to Him, and take it one day, one minute, one second at a time.

Laura said...

I am praying for you. I don't know you, but your candidness captures me and really touches me. Thank you for reminding me to appreciate all the small things.
I pray that God will bring you to a peaceful places in the next few years.

Beth said...

I just wanted to tell you that you are in my prayers. Thank you for being open and for reminding all of us to cherish the time we have on this earth with our kids.

The Morris Family said...

Don't worry about those folks, even after 2 1/2 years, I am still dealing with people and how they think I am different acting.....I AM NOT THE SAME and your not either, I will never, you will never be the same!! But His grace is mighty and we can walk through this valley with Him and we can feel comfort with other mothers, I know I do anyways.

Joel is everywhere here as well...they always will be!!

Praying for you!

Cindy

Anonymous said...

What sweet little angels! Your words touched my heart. Your emotions are so raw and painful, but this is the reality of your situation. I pray daily for you and your entire family. I know that God will never forsake you.
Please take care of yourself for your unborn baby!

Laura M. said...

Meredith,
Thank you so much for writing to me today. My heart skipped a beat when I saw it was you and I feared that something I posted was disrespectful and I hope you know I would never have intended to offend you. I am so incredibly interested in learning your story and praying along with the thousands of those who are already. Your babies are so precious and I am glad to know that they are precious angels now with the Lord though sometimes that may not be what you want to hear...I don't know. I hope we can keep an open diaogue. God Bless you and ill be checking in again regularly.
-Laura Mielke

Laura said...

I don't personally know you but I have been praying about you since your prayer request on Kelly's blog. You are an amazing woman and strong in your faith. Your words today touched my heart deeply! When I hugged my kids tonight and we said our prayers we prayed for your children in heaven. I promise to take advantage of all the days my children are here on earth becasue you are right...life is short!
I will continue to pray for you and your husband and your unborn daily!
Laura

Bryan said...

I can only imagine that you r so broken and tired. It is perfectly normal for you to feel overwhelmed and think of them every moment. Thanks for sharing their pics. It helps me to not be so sad for them. They are beautiful perfect angels in a beautiful perfect place. Remember it all Meredith ...breath them in! I know that I would! I think that it must be comforting to know that they have each other. I think that it is fantastic that others are helping you in this tough time! Sometimes, I try to remember that "hurting people, hurt people". Whoever said that, has problems beyond yours. I will pray for them as I pray for you and your family.

Bryce's momma said...

Sorry Meredith! I was logged in as my husband, Bryan. That previous comment was from me.

Melissa said...

Thank you so much for your words!! You do not know me but I came across your blog from Kelly's Korner...my heart aches for you and I am praying for you and your family! (((((HUGS)))))

Marianne said...

Dear Meredith,
I moved to Opp three years ago and shortly thereafter met Gregg at the bank. I had my two girls with me and he and I talked about the twins you were expecting. I remember clearly the excitement in his voice and how he watched my baby and toddler destroy his office. I am pregnant with my third and due in December like you and ever since I heard of what happened the two of you haven't been far from my mind. I have no real words of comfort to offer, just the knowledge that I'm am thinking of you and praying for you as you walk this road.

Anonymous said...

Meredith,
I think about you and your family everyday. I check your blog daily and say a prayer for you and Gregg every night. I have shared your story with my husband and mother. Your story tonight makes me just cry. Sometimes I get so short with my kids and then I think. What if they were gone tomorrow? Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all the best.

Samantha

clauvas said...

Dear Meredith,

I have you in my mind and heart avery day. This prayer is for you.


FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND

One night I had a dream...
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way;
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why in times when I
needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
child. I love you, and I would never,
never leave you during your times of
trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
~~~~~~

Footprints Prayer

Anonymous said...

praying for you.

kris in texas

Ginger said...

Meredith and Gregg, you don't know me, but I am a member of Piney Grove. My family thinks so much of Adam, Heather and Addison. The loss of your sweet babies has touched me more than I can explain. I look to your blog in hopes that I can give you some comforting words but you are the one who always touches me. Your unwavering faith in God lifts ME up. I will take the words from a lady whose blog I follow who recently lost her son to brain cancer. She prayed that God would plant a seed of joy in her heart. That's what I ask God to do for you.....for you to use in whatever way you need. I continue to lift you both up in prayers, that you continue to win this battle against Satan. He WILL NOT win! Praise be to God.

Marie said...

Meredith, I recently found your blog by following some links from other blogs. Your story touched me. I just want to let you know that I am also one of the many people that you do not know that are praying for you and wishing you joy.

Stefanie said...

It breaks my heart that your pain is also a reminder that we all need to hug and kiss our children a couple extra times today. But in the moments of irritation and frustration I sometimes have with my 9 month old daughter, I'm glad that I am able to put it all into perspective and let peace wash over me because I know I am lucky. I am so sorry for the great losses you have had to endure and have no idea how you are able to lift your head off your pillow in the morning because I don't know if I could. You are strong beyond belief and I am praying for you and your family every day.
You have prayers coming to you from Lynnwood,WA!

Anonymous said...

Effexor is not safe in pregnancy. Zoloft is the safest anti-depressant to take.

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine the pain you are enduring. Please know that you are in my prayers. I am also holding my children tighter, kissing them more and appreciating every moment more than the last because of you. xoxo

THE BENNETTS said...

I came across your blog from Kelly's Korner. I don't know you, but want you to know what an impact you have made on me. I have a 9-month old. He doesn't sleep through the night, gets fussy, gets into everything, etc ... when I even think about getting upset with him, I almost always think of you and how you say to cherish every moment, even the bad. My eyes fill with tears everytime I read your blog. I can not even imagine what you are going through. You are a very strong woman. God bless you!

Beth said...

i just wanted to tell you that you have touched my heart so deeply. i have not experienced the loss you have, but my heart still aches. i am a mother, and too often i do forget that we are not promised tomorrow. i get frustrated with my children, and forget what a blessing they are. you have reminder me today to give them all an extra hug, and stop to think about what all God has blessed me with, and thank Him. thank you for sharing your family's story with us.
i am from monroe county, so we are sort of neighbors!
~beth

Kathy said...

Unfortunately, people say stupid things! Maybe they mean well, but it comes out all wrong. Pay no attention to them. No one knows your pain except another person who has experenced the loss of a child. Read all these comments over and over that people send to you. Try to be with people who lift you up and avoid those who bring you down. No one else can truly know how you and Gregg feel and your sorrow will take a long time to come to terms with. You know that the Lord holds you in His hands and that is about the only thing that is comforting at this time. Keep going. God has a purpose for you lives and that certainty has not changed.
Kathy

Mom of 3 and bride-to-be! said...

I can't tell you how much my heart breaks for you..

Please, PLEASE know, that you are constantly in my prayers, and I pray to God, that He has a tight grip on the 3 of you.

I am kissing my children for you, and letting them do alot more kids stuff. Thank you for reminding me that nobody is given to you, but rather they are lent to you. At anytime, he can call them back.

Much much love and prayer....
Chantal

Anonymous said...

Dearest Meredith,what I would not give to take away even an ounce of your pain. Any words that I can say to offer comfort to your broken heart are all pale and shallow compared to the enourmous hurt and void you are feeling. But do remember this , "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit".Psalm 34:18
My God, how close he must be to you right now! Thank you for sharing your wonderful memories and pictures and reminding us how to truly live. I will continue to pray for you and pray for Jesus to hold your precious little ones ever closer as he watches over you and Gregg. Love you, Mrs Downy

Sue said...

Meredith,
Your story has touched me deeply. I don't even know what to say but I want you to know that we are praying for all of you.

Rebecca M. said...

I found your blog a couple weeks ago via a prayer request on Kelly's Korner. We've never met, but my heart aches for you and your family. My son Nicholas is 7 months old, and the idea of losing him is devastating to me. I can't imagine what you're going through.

I just wanted to say that your story has touched me and stuck with me. I have hugged my baby tighter, held him longer, rocked him slower, and tried to be more patient when I start to get frustrated.

As for the person who said that to you, please try to push that comment out of your mind. I don't know how you're going on, day after day. You deserve anything that might take your mind off the pain for even one minute. You've been under a ton of stress. You absolutely NEED to rest and relax and have life be just a little bit easier right now, for your sake, your baby's sake, and for your marriage, too. Some people just don't think before they speak.

Anonymous said...

Meredith,
Your ability to write about your children is amazing and beautiful. God's hand is obviously on you. I am praying for you and your family daily. I too, will pray for a seed of joy to be planted in your heart. God is doing great things through you loss. Please know someone in Phoenix is praying for you, your husband and your mom.

Marie said...

I am continually shocked at the thoughtless comments people make to bereaved parents! The Elderidge Family, who lost their son Sage to SIDS, wrote a great post about it on their blog, you might want to read it and be prepared for some of the things you may hear:

[url]http://sagelawrenceeldredge.blogspot.com/2009/09/when-someone-loses-child.html[/url]

James, Heather, Evan and Pete said...

I came across your blog through another friend's and I can not tell you how your words have touched my heart. I can not begin to imagine the pain you have felt these last several months. I admire your honesty and your strength. Please know that even though I may not know you, we are sisters in Christ and I will be praying for you, your husband and the new baby. I look forward to reading more updates!

Jen said...

I am so sorry that you are having to endure such thoughtless comments at a time like this. I pray that the good Lord will give each of you a 'thick skin'. Please know that no rational person would ever think such things. That is the reason the Lord gives us relationships in the first place, so that we can all come together and share in eachother's joys as well as love one another through the sorrows...when the love is needed most.

These pictures are just heartwarming. Thank-you for sharing.

Jenifer said...

I think about you and prey for you this post made me cry ..Who ever said you have it easy ....need to get life's and remember you lost your two babies

Carla said...

Thank you once again for reminding me to cherish the small things because one day they do become large things... you cling to all you have left which are memories of your beautiful children. My heart hurts for you and Gregg, but I do know that God does have a great plan for you! In love and thanks.
Carla