September 17, 2009

Last night, Gregg and I went to Dothan to visit a friend who had a beautiful baby girl on Tuesday. We stopped in Enterprise and picked us up some grub at Santa Fe. Gregg always sits facing the door. Well I was really glad of it this time because their was a group of 5 sitting behind us and the youngest of that group was a 2 year old little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes. Everything was going great and he never noticed the little boy. Well all of a sudden our waitress comes up to the table with the little boy and starts hollering for the entire restaurants attention to give that 2 year old a Happy Birthday Yee Haw! Well of course Gregg turns around to look and within seconds he is turning around with a look of total sadness in his face. I immediately tried to think of something to talk about and you know how those moments are, you go completely blank. Don't get me wrong, I was sad at the thought that B&K would never have another birthday and that 2 seemed to be reminder to us that that was their last one, but in public I try to be happy for everyone else around us. I know that our life is going through a very rough time right now, the hardest time we hopefully will ever face, but I try to keep in mind that everyone around us' life doesn't stop continuing on in happiness. It hurts. Gregg doesn't do so well seeing little boys. It's a reminder to him that he doesn't have one to take hunting and play catch and mimic Daddy in everything he does. He is heartbroken for a son. Gregg went to the restroom to clear his mind, and I sat there numb. This was going to be something constantly happening to us. I knew that. I had already realized it, but sitting there made it all the more real. We ordered a dessert for us to take to the new mother, paid our tab and left. Gregg and I have become very close through this. Which that is hard to believe because we have always been real close, but this is a different closeness. A closeness I don't think I can explain. We hurt for each other. And we are battling the same issues right now. I think we just have an understanding of our feelings and how we relate in them. It's not a closeness that I would want, because to get there, something bad has to happen. We both lost our grandparents at the same time. That was very hard. I remember Gregg's Papa died unexpectedly at the end of May in 2005. Gregg was very upset. He was the only grandson and he was very close to his Papa. He lived with his Papa and Granny at the time and seeing his Papa was part of his daily routine. His funeral was on Monday and I went back to work on Tuesday. I got a call at work from my mother telling me that I needed to get to my Nanny's house. My Nanny was battling colon cancer and was at the end stages. Hospice had come in and she was not well. I hung up the phone and started praying. God please give me some time. I am not ready for this right now. I need to be there for Gregg right now. He needs me to comfort him. Please God give me time. Gregg came and got me and took me to my Nanny's. I couldn't go in there. I didn't want to see her like that. I wanted to remember seeing her at the table laughing and carrying on like I remembered. Gregg grabbed a hold of me and told me that he didn't get a chance to tell his Papa goodbye and that I didn't need to miss out on it with my Nanny or I would regret it for the rest of my life. I went in her room and held her hand. I remember her eyes catching mine and she squeezed my hand and said, "don't cry for me baby." I squeezed back and said, "ok" God graciously gave me 2 more weeks before my Nanny left this Earth to be in Heaven. My last memory with her alive is a wonderful one for me. I spent a lot of time with her the night before she passed. I painted her fingernails and toenails. I sang all sorts of hymns to her. She just laid there. Couldn't talk, couldn't move. Just laid there. I remember leaving there and getting halfway home and telling myself that I should turn around and go back and stay at her house that night with my mom. I decided not to and after she passed away that next morning I was so mad at myself for not turning back around. I know now that I wasn't suppose to be there. I wasn't suppose to see her last breath. I wasn't able to handle it then. God always does things the right way. Whether we can see it or not in the beginning is up to us. He knows what He is doing. I know that my Nanny and Gregg's Papa are enjoying every minute of Brayden and Kenadi. I can see Kenadi in Nanny's lap and them holding their hands up side by side and seeing the resemblance. I said from the day Kenadi was born that she had my Nanny's hands. She held them up to her face so sweetly. Wow, I have jumped all over the place with this post. I guess you guys are use to that though. Please pray for Gregg. My heart is really burdened for him right now.

on another note, we have a 4d ultrasound today! :) I am very excited to see little Kaidi! I will have some pics and maybe some video of it up tomorrow!! :)


Sara said...

Sweet girl,

Don't know what to say, just wanted you to know I care.

B and K are on my mind so often.

I'm so sorry.

The Mitchell's said...

Mere, I know life isn't what you and Gregg had planned, but your strength in each other and most importantly in Christ is right where you need to be. I love you two more than anything and I hope that you know that! You were always one of my best friends growing up and I hate that we have lost that closeness! I love you and I am always here for you!! If you even feel like you need to just vent to someone, I will be happy to just listen!!! LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU!!!


Anonymous said...

Still praying for you and Gregg in Mississippi - your posts often bring me to tears reading your pain and your pain for Gregg. My husband is from Alabama and we are big Bama fans, so even though I don't "know" you, it kinda seems like I do. Please know that your words have definately made me love on my 4 yr old a little harder each day. He asked me to rock him before bed the other night and normally our nights are very rushed, but I thought of you and knew that we are not guaranteed another night to rock our babies, so for 20 minutes...we rocked. He and I both went to bed happy, b/c of you.

Praying for comfort and strength for both you and Gregg.

~Dana in MS

Stephanie said...

How exciting! Ultrasounds are so much fun!

Clementsville: Population of 5! said...

I often read your posts and by the end there are tears in my eyes. I have actually often read your most recent post and sobbed my eyes out. The pain you both are going through is unimaginable!!! BUT your faith shines through it all! You are such a strong person and I'm so proud of you both! I don't "know" you personally, but I feel like I know you so well! Keep your chin up!


Jillybean said...

I read your blog all the time. I know it's weird, but your words just lift me up. I have found myself rebuilding my relationship with God and able to better handle my daily struggles. So I know this is very hard for you, but I want to thank you for sharing your story, the word of God & just being you as you do it.
My sister told me I about Whitney Houston's new song...I didn't know my own strength. I heard if for the first time a few days ago & I can't stop listening to it. I just wanted to share it with you. Maybe it will give you some comfort or healing in this journey.
Thank you!!

Paces' Paces said...

I've learned to scan restaurants to try to avoid some situations on some days. Some days the party would have been okay, but others not. I figure I'm paying for this meal experience, then I'm not going to sit where either of us are uncomfortable for any reason! Have taken my food and left; have moved to another table; whatever it takes. I'm also the person who asks for the restaurant to turn down the music because it can cause Pat to have seizures sometimes. Or I'll ask them to close the blinds. Like I said I'm paying for the meal/service, then I should get what I want.

The Rogers Family said...

I think of you guys and pray daily for both of you...I heard "The Anchor Holds" this morning and immediately thought of you. Better days ahead, can't wait to see the 4D of Kaidi.


Deena said...

I came across your blog from Kellys Korner. I help out with the safehaven blog (the link is posted above). It is a prayer blog, and I was wondering if it would be okay if I added your blog to it. I have been praying for you daily. I am constantly in tears reading your blog, but you are an inspiration to me. You're an amazing woman of God.


The Rogers Family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I really don't know what to say besides I ll prey a little hard to make the pain ease a little more
I think of B&K all the time your the first blog I read to see if you blogged lol which you do lol