Many of you who read this were there that day. Much of it is blurry to me. I remember waking up in the clothes that I wore to the visitation the night before. I was completely exhausted that night. We hugged and spoke with over 1500 people that came out to the visitation. My jaw was sore from the tight squeezes that some of them so lovingly gave. I was so tired though that night. The previous 3 days had been so emotionally draining that I had hardly no strength in me when we got to Gregg's grandmother's house that night. We each had friends stop by and chat with us a while and as soon as my close friends left, I went to lay down while Gregg enjoyed the company of his. It was easy going to sleep that night. The living room echoed Gregg's laugh along with that of his friends and a guitar. I knew that he was ok at that moment and it helped me sleep better. I think he came on to bed around 2 or 3 that morning. I rushed through getting ready in the morning to get to our church where our families were being fed. We finished up our meal and headed to the funeral home. There were already MANY MANY people and cars there. We pulled around and got behind the hearse and proceeded inside where we immediately began getting met by many people that didn't get to see us the night before. On to the service. I ended up asking our preacher, Kevin, to close the curtain that was in front of the family section so that we would not have to continue to hug and talk with everyone that came to look at Brayden and Kenadi. They were so beautiful. They looked like porcelain dolls laying there. Brayden had on a brown striped polo with his blue jeans and boots on. and kenadi had on a beautiful white dress with white ballet slippers and white bow in her hair. I gave her my pearls. It was already written in my will that she would get them and I was not gonna let the change of order keep that from happening. They belonged with her. Brayden held his little pocket knife in his hand that Gregg and I got for him while we were at Gatlinburg on a trip back in February of 2008. Our first big trip away from them. They were just beautiful. I didn't want to take my eyes off of them. The service was perfect. Our old minister of music sang "The Anchor Holds" and it touched mine and Gregg's heart so deeply. It was so true for us at that moment. The words of the second verse "I've had visions, I've had dreams, I've even held them in my hands. I never knew they could slip right through, like they were only grains of sand" Gregg raised his hand and Praised God through that song and that was an encouragement for me. It gave me the hope that we were going to be ok. That Gregg was going to be ok. He was my biggest concern at the time. I hurt, but I guess the other part of me hurt even more for him and the pain he was enduring, even though it was the same pain I had. I guess putting me on the outside of my feelings and only focusing on him and protecting him from conversations about the twins or any other pain I would see coming and avoid for him, it helped me grieve in my own way. I was able to be strong for him when he needed me the most. We then had a few other songs sung. One man sang "I'll Fly Away" it has always been Gregg's favorite song. Our previous pastor sang "Beulah Land" and "When You Can't trace His Hand, Trust His Heart" ( I had never heard that song until that day, it was beautiful) Our current pastor and our previous pastor both spoke at the service and I can remember when somewhat of an "invitation" was given and everyone had their head bowed, Gregg and I were holding hands and every time they would recognize another person for accepting Christ our grip with each other would get tighter and we would say Praise Jesus. I cannot tell you how much it helped us to know that 4 people were saved. There could be more, I don't know, but even though as hard as it is to say this, from the eternal aspect, it was worth it.
Our lives have been a whirlwind over the past month. We have had MANY MANY things going on. They have kept us busy and our minds preoccupied, but at the end of the day, I am still exhausted and can't run away from what has really happened. It sometimes feels like a dream and at any moment we are gonna go pick them up. I think day by day it is becoming more real, more painful. I honestly felt like a zombie when I walked in to the house tonight. I felt no emotion, no life in me.