September 2, 2009

From August 2 to September 2

Many of you who read this were there that day. Much of it is blurry to me. I remember waking up in the clothes that I wore to the visitation the night before. I was completely exhausted that night. We hugged and spoke with over 1500 people that came out to the visitation. My jaw was sore from the tight squeezes that some of them so lovingly gave. I was so tired though that night. The previous 3 days had been so emotionally draining that I had hardly no strength in me when we got to Gregg's grandmother's house that night. We each had friends stop by and chat with us a while and as soon as my close friends left, I went to lay down while Gregg enjoyed the company of his. It was easy going to sleep that night. The living room echoed Gregg's laugh along with that of his friends and a guitar. I knew that he was ok at that moment and it helped me sleep better. I think he came on to bed around 2 or 3 that morning. I rushed through getting ready in the morning to get to our church where our families were being fed. We finished up our meal and headed to the funeral home. There were already MANY MANY people and cars there. We pulled around and got behind the hearse and proceeded inside where we immediately began getting met by many people that didn't get to see us the night before. On to the service. I ended up asking our preacher, Kevin, to close the curtain that was in front of the family section so that we would not have to continue to hug and talk with everyone that came to look at Brayden and Kenadi. They were so beautiful. They looked like porcelain dolls laying there. Brayden had on a brown striped polo with his blue jeans and boots on. and kenadi had on a beautiful white dress with white ballet slippers and white bow in her hair. I gave her my pearls. It was already written in my will that she would get them and I was not gonna let the change of order keep that from happening. They belonged with her. Brayden held his little pocket knife in his hand that Gregg and I got for him while we were at Gatlinburg on a trip back in February of 2008. Our first big trip away from them. They were just beautiful. I didn't want to take my eyes off of them. The service was perfect. Our old minister of music sang "The Anchor Holds" and it touched mine and Gregg's heart so deeply. It was so true for us at that moment. The words of the second verse "I've had visions, I've had dreams, I've even held them in my hands. I never knew they could slip right through, like they were only grains of sand" Gregg raised his hand and Praised God through that song and that was an encouragement for me. It gave me the hope that we were going to be ok. That Gregg was going to be ok. He was my biggest concern at the time. I hurt, but I guess the other part of me hurt even more for him and the pain he was enduring, even though it was the same pain I had. I guess putting me on the outside of my feelings and only focusing on him and protecting him from conversations about the twins or any other pain I would see coming and avoid for him, it helped me grieve in my own way. I was able to be strong for him when he needed me the most. We then had a few other songs sung. One man sang "I'll Fly Away" it has always been Gregg's favorite song. Our previous pastor sang "Beulah Land" and "When You Can't trace His Hand, Trust His Heart" ( I had never heard that song until that day, it was beautiful) Our current pastor and our previous pastor both spoke at the service and I can remember when somewhat of an "invitation" was given and everyone had their head bowed, Gregg and I were holding hands and every time they would recognize another person for accepting Christ our grip with each other would get tighter and we would say Praise Jesus. I cannot tell you how much it helped us to know that 4 people were saved. There could be more, I don't know, but even though as hard as it is to say this, from the eternal aspect, it was worth it.
Our lives have been a whirlwind over the past month. We have had MANY MANY things going on. They have kept us busy and our minds preoccupied, but at the end of the day, I am still exhausted and can't run away from what has really happened. It sometimes feels like a dream and at any moment we are gonna go pick them up. I think day by day it is becoming more real, more painful. I honestly felt like a zombie when I walked in to the house tonight. I felt no emotion, no life in me.


Anonymous said...

Meredith - I don't know you or your family but have been following your blog since hereing your tragic story. I am so proud of you for sharing with all of us...most complete strangers. Your stregnth in our Lord is something I admire. Your children are so incredibly blessed to have you in their lives. Never lose faith. Hugs and Prayers from Montana.

Unknown said...

I found you through Kelly at Kelly's Corner and too have been following your story. What incredible faith, love and strength you both have. You are a wonderful example to those who have had such loses in their own lives. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Momma X 4 said...

I came upon your blog from Kelly's blog. You do not know me but I have it on my heart to tell you that you are an amazing Sister in Christ and reading your Faith through this blog is amazing/unbelievable. I can't imagine the pain you are suffering. I have prayed for you and Gregg. May God continue to bless and you give you the strength to keep on keeping on! Hugs to you!
Michelle in Okla.

Mary Ann said...


Beautiful post....that's all I can say right now.... I came to encourange, but itstead you have encouraged me.

Mary Ann

Unknown said...

I would'nt expect you to feel any other way, other than a Zombie with no life in you Meredith.
I cried when I read the part of how the twins were dressed. I want to yell that it's NOT FAIR!!!!
I find peace in seeing how your faith in God is so strong...yet my heart still hurts. I wish I could hug you, and cry with you. Know that I am crying with you, from far away.

My heart, soul and prayers are with you.

Feel His arms wrapped around you....

Much love,

clauvas said...

Your Faith in God is amazing! Your Faith and love to our God is what is going to give you the strength on your new journey. I don't know you but in my heart I have you a special friend and therefor you are in my daily prayers!
Huntsville, AL

Rhyan said...

Daily you are an example to me of how to live, how to grieve and how to praise. On days when my heart is breaking I read your words and draw from your faith. The lives of your children were used to bring souls to eternity and to bring hope and living back into the lives of countless others. Through your strength I am renewed. Through your words I am refreshed. Through your honesty I am inspired.

 The Morris Family said...

By writing you are doing one of the things that helps release the sorrow. It has been the same for me, to remember by writing...keep doing it, its healthy.

Once again this morning I read a passage and you were brought to mind. I guess the Lord is somehow allowing me to retrace my steps to share with you.

In Ps. 77 it shows us how we can "let the grief out."

*we cry unto God
*he hears
*we have troubles in this life
*we seek hard after him
*it seems as though we can not
find comfort
* he wants us to "remember" what
he has done in the past, His
*we can complain, express our hurt
*we literally feel like we can go
on sometimes
*sometimes we do not know what to
say to the Lord, just
*we remember when they were here,
the days of old
*v. 7-9, we question
* v.10-12 heres what we need to do; remember the years of the right hand of the most high, remember his works, meditate on his works of old and then a joy for a grievieng mommy is to "talk of his doings."

What he will do; v. 13-120
He will declare himself to you
He will give strength
He will redeem, in his time
He will lead thy people

I hope you can read the entire passage, it really is a blessing as we both continue to grieve.

praying for you!!


Rochelle said...

I also found your story through Kelly's Korner. Praying for you and your husband and the rest of your family. Just wanted you to know that strangers care.

Andolicious said...

I am so sad for your loss. May God continue to be with you. Your children were beautiful on Earth, and even more beautiful in Heaven with their halos and their angelic glow.

Anonymous said...

ever since I read about you loss my heart breaks for you and your family. I have gone though a loss of my newphew who was like my own, to a drowning accident. I pray for you and your family. If I lived near you I would love to give you a huge hug. I remember the day after Cameron went to be with Jesus I woke up praying it was not true. I am sure your new baby will know them and you will love her with such a different kind of love. My sister and I pray for you and think of you often.

Prayers from Angel Camerons Mommy and Aunt.

Anonymous said...

You are such and inspiration to so many, and im happy and proud to know you are part of my life & my family!!!! Look at what you are doing, you are blessing people everyday with your words and faith. All this has brought so many lost souls to the Lord that you will never even know of, Brayden and Kenadi are so proud of their mommy (i just know they are smiling down on you). I love you so much and wish i could put into words how much you have inspired me and changed my way of thinking in the past month. Maybe one day i can return the blessing!!!


Ordinary Mom said...

I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing right now. I found your blog through Kelly's corner yesterday. As I started to read your story I began to cry....right here at my desk at work. A co-worker popped up and I blamed my teary eyes on allergies. Woops! Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we are praying for you and your entire family during this very difficult time. I can't imagine as a parent myself what you are going through. God bless!

Lori Harper said...

Oh Lord, your ways are not our ways. Help us to understand. My prayers are constantly going up for you and I think of you soooo many times throughout the day. May God continue to hold you in his mighty hands and give you peace and comfort.

Erica said...

Praying for your family. My heart just aches as I read each of your entries. Praying for you daily.