September 28, 2009

Flowers From a Friend




I am so stressed today.  I am going through things that cannot be on this blog so you will not understand and I am sorry. Things that I shouldn't have to go through. (but hey, what's new there) Things that are stupid and inconsiderate and should be the last thing I need to worry with right now.  I am hurt. I am angry. I am tired. I cannot escape this. I am going through the worse thing I could ever imagine. I am dealing with emotions and grief over the loss of my children, the loss of what my world revolved around day to day, the loss of all the dreams I had for my beautiful twins. The loss of giggles in my house. The loss of happiness in my arms. The loss that no one can understand unless they have been in my shoes themselves. I cannot tell you the pain that I experience every minute of the day. The emotional pain that is taking a toll on my physical body.  There are days when I don't want to do anything. Days when I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to perform as a robot throughout the day, so maybe I won't feel anything. THIS IS NOT FAIR. I can hide my sadness and pain in a crowd but I cannot escape it. It is with me all the time. I hate having the label over my head that reads "mother who lost two children" I cannot run from what has happened I cannot fold the cards I have been dealt. I can only take on this new "platform" God has given me and have faith in Him to use me however he needs me. I hurt with all that I have. I know God has a purpose and that I am suffering pain and sorrow on his behalf (Philippians 1:29 " For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him." ) I thought of the question people ask all the time, " why do bad things happen to good people?" my answer to that is "so that good things can happen to bad people"  there are no "good" people in God's eyes, we are all sinners. But in the worldly view of good vs bad, aren't you glad that God did not decide to call all his believers home before you were saved? Yes, a bad thing happened to me. But this bad thing has turned a lot of people around for Christ. That was all in God's plan. It sucks for me, on Earth, but I am trusting in the Lord with all that I have and not depending on my own understanding for this. I am going to continue to acknowledge God for his infinite grace and comfort and mercy and love and know that he will restore me to a life of Great things again. He will make my path straight. (proverbs 3:5-6 (meredith ramer's version))

I  know some of you are probably wondering why such a strange title. Well I always leave the title blank until the end and just before I finished up, I had a bright arrangement delivered from a dear friend of mine that already knew of my tough day and wanted to cheer me up. It made me smile and cry. I have great friends. Friends who are trying to protect my feelings and pain in whatever way they can. Do all they can to prevent me from hurting any more than needed. I am so thankful for them and gracious that God has sent them my way. Thank you to my sweet friend!  



 

24 comments:

OUR WILD ZOO! said...

Praying God's comfort and peace to you at a time when there are no words. I don't know what you're going through, but He does. I think of you throughout the day as your sister in Christ and every time, I say a prayer and that you will feel His presence. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, known and unknown-

The Stairs Family said...

I'm praying for your comfort and peace during this difficult time. I can't even imagine what you are going through, so all I can do is pray. I hope that whatever it is that you are going through (in addition to losing your children) gets ressolved quickly and effortlessly.

Sarah said...

I am praying so hard for you right now. I have no words other then that. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I wish you peace and comfort. God Bless you.

autumn23 said...

Praying for you... :(

Clementsville: Population of 4! said...

I am praying for you right now for everything you are going through! Please know there are many peopel who love you and are praying for you that don't even know you!

Blessings,

Katie

Valerie said...

I wish there was something I could do or say to make things easier for you right now, but alas there is not.

I am so glad that you have such a strong faith in God and that you are able to lean on him.

I continue to keep you in my prayers,
Valerie

lorigreen67 said...

Meredith,
Oh, how i wish there was something more i could do for you in these difficult days. I worry about you everyday, i know you are a strong woman in christ but i also know that you are human and that the pain you feel is something that consumes you every minute of everyday. I pray for you & gregg everyday (sometimes twice a day) but i wish so badly there was something more i could do. I hurt and miss B&K everyday.... but i also hurt for you & Gregg because i know that this life will never be the same for you two (not that we dont feel the same but i know that it is very different). Everyday there are two beautiful souls that are missing from this life with us, and even though we all hurt and miss them, it is nothing compared to what you two go through everyday. I hope you know that You & Gregg are not alone in this, but i understand too that you really are alone because the pain and loss is so much more than any of us could possibly imagine and no one knows how you two feel but each other. No one should have to face what you and gregg are facing right now, its not fair and its ok for you to be hurt, angry, sad, and even confused. There is no right or wrong way for you to deal with the things you are going through right now, and the only ones you should be concerned about right now is you, Gregg, and Kaidi. I know you are a very tender hearted person (like me) so i know that its hard for you to do this, but right now there is no room for worrying about others. Take care of youself, and God will take care of the rest. I hope you know that you mean the world to me, you and gregg have been One for so long that it seems like you've always been a part of my family. There are only 7 people in this world at this moment in time that i would do anything for and you are one of those 7, so at anytime if you need anything i'm here for you!!!! In closing to this long ramble, i found a beautiful poem and i thought of you. You told me once that butterflies remind you of Brayden and Kenadi; so i thought you would like this poem.


A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed...
We feel lucky to have seen it.
Author Unknown


I love you so much,
#8

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

My heart breaks for you over and over...

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

My heart breaks for you over and over...

Susan in Texas said...

Hi Meredith - You don't know me but I have been following your blog ever since I heard about your loss. Words can't express the sorrow I feel for you. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling. I truly believe that the worst thing that could ever happen to someone is to lose a child, and your burden is doubled from losing your precious twins. I'm assuming from what you posted today that someone may be saying really stupid things to you to try to help you accept the unacceptable! I'm sure they are well-meaning, just clueless. Everything you are feeling and expressing is normal for the horrible circumstances you are in. I know that you know that God is your strength, but just as He gave you all the love, joy, and pride that you feel for Brayden & Kenadi, your grief and despair over their deaths is God-given as well. You will never truly get over this, but you will survive. I'm so thankful that you have such a wonderful partner and friend in your husband. I appreciate your honesty in expressing what you are going thru. I understand that there are things that you don't want to post for the whole world to see. If there is ever anything you want to vent or express, I would be honored to listen. Since we don't know each other, there's no way I could ever accidentally betray a confidence. I am in my early 50's and have kids about your age. I understand how difficult it must be to not be able to talk about your feelings with your own mother, so if you ever want someone objective and anonymous to talk to, please feel free to email me at susieq55@aol.com. You and Gregg are in my prayers and my heart. I check your blog several times each day, wondering how you are doing. God bless you...

Michele said...

My heart aches for you. I am so sad for your family.

All About Aleigha said...

Praying for you!

Jen said...

I just came across your blog and am completely heartbroken for you and your husband..The loss of a child is too much for us to handle on our own.. It took me a while to learn that and to let go and let God..My daughter passed in May and I am just now getting there..your children were so beautiful..they must be so proud of their mom and dad..hugs to you guys..I'll be sending prayers up for you both as well as the new baby..

Tara said...

i pray that God will comfort you and give you a peace that covers ALL things... including the petty, ridiculous things.

The Mitchell's said...

After reading this Mere, I got to thinking, How people go through "valleys" without a firm foundation in Christ? How do they cope with the everyday life? And I prayed for them. I still pray for you and Gregg everyday, but now I will add the others that don't know God's promises! Just like I ask God to give you peace and comfort, I will ask the same for others! I want you to know that I love you SO very much!! And I am sorry that you have to go through this, but thankful that you can see some good! And I remember that picture being made!!!
Just know that I love you!!!
Em

Journey of the George's said...

Praying for you sister. Praying for God's comfort...for you to feel His arms around you, holding you.

Sue said...

I am so sorry for the suffering that you and your entire family are going thru. I hope you receive some peace and comfort in knowing that many many people are surrounding all of you in prayer.

Oscar said...

I'm so, so, sorry for your pain. I can't imagine in my worst nightmare what it would have been like to lose one of my kids, much less both of them! You have every right to be angry, grouchy, and whatever raw emotions you must feel! I am a mom of a son and daughter who are now 20.5 and 18 and live in fear of car accidents, cancer, you name it...but you live the result of such an unimaginable tragedy, my heart absolutely aches for you and your husband (and your mom and the guilt she has to live with). I don't know if it helps, but ever since I read about you on Kelly's Korner blog, you have been in my prayers and on my heart everyday! I send you a tight, bear hug, from one mama to another and hope that you can at least gather some sort of comfort from all the love and thoughts that surround you. In Christ, Love from California, Pamela Sarlandt

The Morris Family said...

Hi Meredith,
I am praying for you!!! A one knowing your pain, I just want to encourage you and give back what He has given to me in these 2 years of missing Joel. People say "time" heals, I can't say I believe that, I miss him even more now, but what does bring healing and help is the scriptures. If there is a picture that can display what we both feel like, it might look something like this; we have these huge holes in our lives, our hearts. The emotions, the feelings, the thoughts, the tears, the sometimes anger are constantly flowing out of that hole. We have to put something back in the hole and the only thing that can begin to fill that hole is the Word of the Lord, the Scriptures, the promises, the Hope. I am so thankful your holding tight to Jesus and I so encourage you to delve in to the Word and grasp truths to think about each day. As your mind begins to think upon His Person, a calmness settles over us, the hole is somewhat being filled. I so want to help, maybe just knowing I know exactly what you feel and think helps, I hope, but know I am here in prayer anyway.

Cindy

Tina said...

Even through this, God is still God. And I am pleading with Him to wrap His arms around you so tightly right now that you can feel Him. And that He will give you a supernatural peace that isn't even understandable.

Heather from Ontario Canada said...

I have no words that will comfort you but God does.....keep clinging to Him. ((((hugs)))

John and Hannah Carrithers said...

Hi Meredith,

You don't know me but I came across your blog one day shortly after the accident. Your words hit home to me because I have 21 month old twin boys and Baby #3 due in January. Thank you for sharing your story and for being so honest. You have given me a greater appreciation for my boys even on the days when things are so hard. The days can be so long, but the years pass so fast and I am so grateful to God for giving them to me. Thank you for making me more aware of this blessing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Cassandra said...

Hi Meredith. These feelings you express are so true. I read your blog and I think " I remember feeling that way too. " IT is not fair. Never will be. Your babies are so Gorgeous. I'm Praying for you in the other circumstances. Sometimes it feels like ...'whoa i cannot handle one more thing!!!" I remember thinking to myself "one foot in front of the other". step by step thats how I made it through the days. Now It has been nearly five years and still grief jumps up and bites me some days. It surprises me. Your blog and your faith in God has ministered to me. Even in your brokeness. Thank you so much
From this kiwi girl.
Cassandra

Erica said...

Meredith, I don't know you. I hurt for you when I read your story and I pray for you daily as a sister in Christ. I don't know whats going on right now but Our Savior does. Praying for your aching heart. Trusting that God will bring you His perfect peace.