I think I may be able to handle writing the day of the accident so I am going to give it a try.
July 29, 2009, 5:00- I get off of work and head to my mom's house that is 15 minutes from where I work. I am on the phone with Gregg and his mom beeped in so he told me he would call me back. I don't have very good service on the back roads heading to my moms and a voicemail pops up where Gregg tried to call me back so I call him and when he answers i hear someone in the background hollering something at him and gregg comes back to the phone and says "get to the hospital" well i am arriving at the end of the "back road" coming to the intersection with the highway my mom lives off and at that same moment 2 ambulances come flying by heading towards the hospital. My heart sunk and I jumped in line behind the 2 ambulances and 2 sheriff vehicles that followed and sped behind them to the hospital. i can remember praying so hard the whole way in to town. it never registered to me that there were 2 ambulances 1 for each of my children. I prayed for God to prepare me for whatever was ahead of me.. that is all i remember praying for over and over again.. for God to give me strength in whatever was going on and i prayed that my babies would be ok. It took us about 5-7 minutes to get the hospital from when i jumped in line behind them. I was shaking and scared and nervous. I whipped into the er parking lot and got out of the car to see one of the medics carrying my limp son in to the er and rolling kenadi in on the stretcher. we were immediately rushed through many faces... that is all i remember is many faces.. faces i have known my entire life but each one looked different.. they each looked at me as if they at any moment would deliver the worst news to me a mother could ever hear. we werent allowed to stay back in the er so they took us out to the hallway and my mom was out there screaming. she was wet and covered in dirt and looked completely exhausted and emotionally a mess... what happened: my kids were sitting on their blanket in the living room watching tv and my mom went to the bathroom and while in the bathroom she heard the two splashes so she ran through the house out the door and to the pool where both my babies were. she climbed in grabbed one and brought it out and went in and got the other one and got it out.. she started performing cpr on both of them and in between she screamed for help. (my mom lives 12 miles from town and is the first house down a dirt road) finally she scooped up my 2 kids and ran them to the porch and ran and got her phone and called 911 and then continued to do cpr on both. she said that a man appeared out of no where that owned a close by gas station and was a volunteer firefighter and he performed cpr on one and she did the other... that is all i know of that much... back to the hospital... people started flooding in as the news spread around our small town and gregg and i were overwhelmed. we still had not heard ANYTHING from the police or the doctor. Finally we asked if we could hear something from someone and the doctor came out there and told us that they had every available person working on both of our children. we were able to stay in a break room that was back near the er so we wouldnt have to deal with all the people in the waiting area. we waited there for forever... our pediatrician came in to see us and it was all over his face, his eyes were tear filled and he couldn't speak.. but he told us they were still working on them. we knew that a chopper was on its way for one of them. and that they had a pulse on one of them (brayden). well i really had to use the bathroom and asked if they had one back in the er that i could use so i wouldnt have to go out in the waiting area so a nurse led me to their private bathroom and when i came out the door the walked me across into an er room where an unfamiliar doctor and 2 familiar hospital employees waited on me. within seconds they brought gregg in there to be with me and told us that a helicopter was landing and soon they would be taking Brayden to Birmingham but that Kenadi didn't make it. I felt like the world was spinning and I was sitting there stopped. How could my little girl be gone. She was such a fighter. She had already made it through 3 surgeries with no problem. how could this happen. they asked if we wanted to see her. well of course i did. I walked in and she was beautiful. Her hair was perfect, her skin was pale, she was perfect. she had on her Alabama t-shirt which i loved her wearing because the crimson looked so good on her with her dark hair and eyes. I never imagined the first cold body i ever touched would be that of my own child's. I wanted to pick her up and hold her. I now wish i would have. I wish i would have embraced her one last time and sang to her and kissed her and told her goodbye. our time with her was so short at the hospital. we had to hurry the flight medics were there and we had to go to b'ham to be with brayden because he was all we had left. it was so hard to leave her. how do you leave your child. how do you do that. i know it was what we had to do, but my heart was so torn. this was my little girl. my little mini-me. she had my hair, my eyes, my nose, my shape, my grandmother's hands. how could i leave her not knowing if i was gonna see her again or not. how? why? we went and were able to see brayden just before the flight medics got there and i held his hand hoping for him to squeeze it back. i cried for him to fight fight for his sister fight for his mommy and daddy who needed him more than ever right now. they docs there told us he was trying to breathe on his own some. but finding out later that that was just a sign of no brain activity. we headed out the ambulance bay where our friends car waited on us and there were so many people outside.. many were weeping and praying and all just looking at us. i was still is such shock and dealing with so much guilt of leaving kenadi behind. i wanted her. we were 4 we weren't 3. she belonged with us. we belonged together. we started on the 3 hour trip to birmingham. half way there we had a phone call from the hospital asking us if we would be interested in donating kenadi's organs. what? taking my child apart? cutting her open? it was too much for me to take in right now, i was swallowing the loss of my daughter and fighting for the hope that my son would live. i looked at gregg and he was just as lost as i was. i agreed to and told gregg that someone would not have to go through what we are going through. then all kinds of questions came to our mind. if brayden made it, how would we tell him his "sissy" was gone? how would he understand? would he be the same? would he be a vegetable? would he ever speak or run or play again? what did our future hold? we prayed. God hold our kenadi tight in your arms. let her know we love her. be with brayden help him fight. we arrived at the hospital and went to the picu where brayden waited for us. he was hooked up to a ventilator, a ngtube? iv's heart monitors, all sorts of things and he just laid there. no movement just his breaths. you would pull his lid's back and they were dilated and glassy looking.. i would put myself directly in the direction of his eyes and pray that he would see me. that he would wake up. i kept telling him that i had so much i wanted to tell him. he rode in a helicopter. he loved helicopters. he would have been so excited about that. i told him that i needed him more than kenadi did and that he needed to wake up and come home with me. i wanted so bad for a miracle to happen in that PICU. He was so handsome. he looked so much like his daddy. i played with his hair and sang all the songs that he loved to sing. i prayed and prayed. we went out to the waiting room to see if our families had arrived yet. they had. my brother and his wife had made it there and it was good to see him. he lives in north alabama. we walked across the street from the hospital to find something to eat and it started raining and it was late and nothing was open so we came back and someone ran and got something for me to eat while we went back to see brayden again. we met with a wonderful social worker who was so sweet and loving. we spent more time praying over brayden and hoping for him to wake up. we asked the nurse about his chances and what would happen tomorrow and she told us that he had no visible brain activity and that in the morning they would do a brain test and if it showed nothing than they would have to unhook the ventilator. we pretty much started preparing ourselves for the news that we knew we would face in the morning, but didn't give up hope for the miracle that we so longed to see revealed. we went back out to family and someone had went and got something for us to eat. they had set up a conference room for our family to stay in because we had so many wonderful friends and family there with us. as i sat there and ate a cheeseburger that tasted like a brick because i knew that i had a little one growing inside of me and she needed something to eat. it was the worse meal i had ever had. it had no taste at all. nothing did. the social worker came in there for me to sign some paperwork on kenadi's organ donations and had some things checked on that they were going to get from her. and i had to agree for each one of them. one of them set me back. it was eyes. how could i let them take my daughter's beautiful brown eyes out of her body? i am sorry to anyone who reads this who has a blind child or a child who need's eyes but i was selfish. i would not let them take her eyes. when i agreed to donate her organs it was to save another person's life not sight. the only other thing that was harvestable was her heart. and i agreed to that.. once she left, amongst the entire group, i finally fell apart. it was real, this wasn't a dream, my child died and my other child was dying. why my little girl and my little boy. why both? why me? why like this? i went in to brayden and begged him to wake up told him that i needed him so much he had to get up and get better.. kenadi was ok because she had God but i needed him.. i needed brayden to wake up so that the life i had lived for the past 2 years would not be completely taken away from me. i needed him. i wanted to hold him. he HAD to be strong. he HAD to wake up. how do you bury both of your children. i went and laid down for about an hour and a half and got back up and sat with brayden a while and sang to him and told him some stories from the past 2 years. As it got closer to morning and just before visiting hours started with the picu, i headed in there and the nurse told me that i would have to come back when the visiting hours had started.. did she not realize this was the only time i had left with my child... gregg and i decided to go get a hotel room and try to get a good rest for about 3-4 hours so we got a voucher from our social worker and headed to the hotel, we checked in and pulled around to the room and we stepped out of the car and gregg's cell rang and it was our social worker telling us to get back to the hospital, something funny was going on with brayden's heart. we rushed back to children's and up to the picu and the picu was shut down (for us) and we ran to brayden's bed that was surrounded by residents and several interns. the resident told us that he had coded and they gave him some medicine to help his heart start back but that his heart was very tired from all the stress and that they could continue to give him medicine to keep him alive. when the resident moved out of the way and my son was revealed to me, i knew it wasn't him anymore. i had a peace that he was where his heart longed to be. he was with his Heavenly father and his "sissy". I was wrong all along. i thought i needed brayden. really brayden needed kenadi more. he couldn't live without her. that was his best friend, that was all he knew since God formed his tiny body in my womb. he couldn't be separated from her. he had to take care of her. that was his role. he was the big brother. he fit it well too. he always took such good care of her and I know that neither one of my precious babies would have had it any other way than to come in to this world together and to leave together. As bad as it hurts to know that, i find peace in knowing that not only is God taking care of them, but they are taking care of each other. They are on this adventure together. They are happy. As we stood there, Gregg fell apart and begged Brayden to wake up. Pleaded with God. I stood there in awe of how beautiful my son was. Of how the past 2 years of my life were full of so much joy and he was so smart and loving. I leaned down to Brayden and gave him a kiss on the forehead and prayed to God, "Lord, please don't let him suffer anymore, if you are going to take him, take him now and take care of him." I stood up and his heart rate started dropping and I knew. I knew God was answering the prayer that I felt so horrible praying at the time. But God had his hand upon me as this was going on. He knew that His strength in me would help me make it through. The doctor said he was getting near to coding and wanted to know if we wanted to continue to keep him alive although she strongly didn't advise it. i shook my head and asked if i could please hold him. So they sat me down by his bed and placed him in my arms and one at a time they pulled the tubes from his body and he died. I rocked him and sang "Jesus Loves You this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to him belong, we are weak, but he is STRONG, yes Jesus loves you, yes jesus loves me" He was perfect. He was beautiful. He was in Heaven. I was so jealous. I rocked him for a lil and then handed him to Gregg for him to rock some. We laid him on his bed and let the nurse clean him up a little while we took care of some business we had to do. We went to our family and came back to bathe brayden and get a cast of his feet and prints of his feet. it was so hard, but in a sense i felt like Mary. My son died an unjust death and I was preparing his body for the grave. we combed his hair and put a gown on him so that family could come back and see him. oh my child, my precious child laid there cold on a bed. beautiful and at peace. How i longed to hear his voice call "mommy" and see his big, crooked grin and beautiful blue eyes that were just like his daddy's. oh my child. we left birmingham and headed to the funeral home because i wanted to see Kenadi. i missed her and i wanted to spend equal time with her because i felt so guilty for leaving her and for not holding her or bathing her or brushing her hair. she wasnt at the funeral home. they had transfered her body to b'ham to harvest her organs and her and brayden would come back together on friday. i was so numb. we took care of some of the arrangements on thurs. afternoon when we got into town. it was very hard. you are NOT suppose to plan your child's funeral. you are suppose to plan their birthday parties and their weddings and the graduation parties and their babys showers and so many other things. we are not suppose to pick out a casket. we are not suppose to go and get outfits for our children to be buried in. Why? This isn't fair! This isn't right! This is NOT the life i planned on. We headed to my aunts lake house to spend so that we could be away from everyone. we had a pastor friend come visit us there and we talked a long time with him. We went to bed and woke up to start another day.