I have struggled a LOT over the past month with finding my "new normal" and it isn't easy. I come home everyday to a pile of sympathy cards to read through that are encouraging, but also a realization that my children are gone. Things have not completely sunk in to me yet and I know that. Every time I start to feel a "moment" come on, I look to God and He immediately comforts me with a verse of scripture or an image of my children in His arms or running through Heaven. I love the beautiful sky because I can just see B&K jumping from cloud to cloud counting to 3 as they always did when they wanted to bail off of the couch or bed. I have many painful moments though. The moments when I hear of someone taking their kid to disney world I immediately get jealous and think "i never got to take B&K there." and for just a moment i am sad but then grace comes upon me and reminds me that they are in the ULTIMATE Disney World where they won't get hot or tired or hurt or sad. And that makes me smile. It is still hard on me because I am going to miss out on all the "firsts" with them.. First day of school, First dance, first date, first recital, first football game, first pageant. all the many things i dreamed of doing with them as they were babies. I understand that God has a purpose in everything. I understand that God is with me. It doesn't make my flesh stop hurting, it doesn't keep my mind from traveling through the images of my children gasping for air and finding water. My biggest fear for my kids has always been drowning or burning. I have always been so cautious around the water with them. My 2 loved the water. Particularly Kenadi. she was a mermaid. :) My guilt takes over and wishes that I never would have let them be so comfortable with the water. Maybe had I not made the water so fun, they wouldn't have left my mother's living room and went outside and climbed in. I struggle with that and i know that Satan enticed them out that door and up the ladder and I hate him for that and i am madder at him for that. i shake my fist at him and wish i had an opportunity to inflict pain on him and then i realize that they way i can do that is not through aggression or anger. it is through peace and grace. I can inflict more pain on the devil by each soul I reach for the Lord. My kids have already overcompensated for the 2 lives taken from me, 4 more will spend an eternity in Heaven. I hope that my logic makes sense and I know that I am all over the place, but that is kinda how my mind is. This post has not structure or "theme" only to allow me to sit her and tap away at the keyboard to whatever comes to my mind. I am going to add some pics of my precious twins to this post. I want to show them off to all who come across this.
also check out this video of Brayden singing Jesus Loves Me. It pleases me to know that he could sing that to Jesus when he got there. :)