August 27, 2009

Thoughts from a Brokenheart

I have struggled a LOT over the past month with finding my "new normal" and it isn't easy. I come home everyday to a pile of sympathy cards to read through that are encouraging, but also a realization that my children are gone. Things have not completely sunk in to me yet and I know that. Every time I start to feel a "moment" come on, I look to God and He immediately comforts me with a verse of scripture or an image of my children in His arms or running through Heaven. I love the beautiful sky because I can just see B&K jumping from cloud to cloud counting to 3 as they always did when they wanted to bail off of the couch or bed. I have many painful moments though. The moments when I hear of someone taking their kid to disney world I immediately get jealous and think "i never got to take B&K there." and for just a moment i am sad but then grace comes upon me and reminds me that they are in the ULTIMATE Disney World where they won't get hot or tired or hurt or sad. And that makes me smile. It is still hard on me because I am going to miss out on all the "firsts" with them.. First day of school, First dance, first date, first recital, first football game, first pageant. all the many things i dreamed of doing with them as they were babies. I understand that God has a purpose in everything. I understand that God is with me. It doesn't make my flesh stop hurting, it doesn't keep my mind from traveling through the images of my children gasping for air and finding water. My biggest fear for my kids has always been drowning or burning. I have always been so cautious around the water with them. My 2 loved the water. Particularly Kenadi. she was a mermaid. :) My guilt takes over and wishes that I never would have let them be so comfortable with the water. Maybe had I not made the water so fun, they wouldn't have left my mother's living room and went outside and climbed in. I struggle with that and i know that Satan enticed them out that door and up the ladder and I hate him for that and i am madder at him for that. i shake my fist at him and wish i had an opportunity to inflict pain on him and then i realize that they way i can do that is not through aggression or anger. it is through peace and grace. I can inflict more pain on the devil by each soul I reach for the Lord. My kids have already overcompensated for the 2 lives taken from me, 4 more will spend an eternity in Heaven. I hope that my logic makes sense and I know that I am all over the place, but that is kinda how my mind is. This post has not structure or "theme" only to allow me to sit her and tap away at the keyboard to whatever comes to my mind. I am going to add some pics of my precious twins to this post. I want to show them off to all who come across this.

also check out this video of Brayden singing Jesus Loves Me. It pleases me to know that he could sing that to Jesus when he got there. :)


Jennifer C. Roberts said...

Although we may not know each other, we are sisters in Christ. My heart breaks for you and as a mother, I can not even begin to understand what you must be going through but please know, I am praying for your comfort, strength and peace during this very difficult time in your life.

Journey of the George's said...

I just found your website. I am praying for you daily. My heart is breaking for you but I am happy you have God and can feel the comfort and peace from Him.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog from Kelly's Korner, but I wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn't imagine the pain and suffer, but I'm amazed that you can still trust in God. I can't imagine how difficult that is to do. I am praying for you and your family.

Mary Ann said...

Hello from Ohio. I also don't know you but I have been reading your blog the last couple days. I am so sorry for your great loss. Your twins pictures are darling! I have no idea what happened but it is wonderful to know that you are able to feel God's love and strength in this time of need. I have found, just as you are, that we don't totally understand God's great strength until we go through a trial. Please take one day at a time and continue to let him carry you. I don't know how God does it but he does. Your thoughts you have written have been a blessing to me. Take care.

Anonymous said...

I also do not know you but my heart is breaking for you. I am amazed at your faith and your words have inspired me. I do not know what happened, but as a mother of a 1 year old and 3 year old, I cant imagine the tragedy your going through and the hurt you are feeling. I will continue to check back for updates and follow your journey.

Anonymous said...

So precious.
I'm at a loss of what to say. I'm scared to even begin to imagine your pain and what you're going through.
Thinking of you with love,

Catherine in Scotland

........ said...

So sweet! I hope you feel you can tap away at the keys anytime. Although so many of us do not know you in person, we are here to "listen" and support you. I wish I had profound words for you that would help you heal but I don't. The kids at my church sing the following song and I thought of your twins and thought I'd share...

I am a child of God and he has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear
Lead me guide me walk beside me help me find the way
Teach me all that I must do to live with him someday.

I am a child of God and He has called me home.
My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
You gave me much to help me and I live with Him today.

I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you.
Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms
One bright Celestial day.

Jaclyn said...

your children are beautiful and they were so very blessed to have a mommy who clearly loves them so much. I am praying for your family...

Anna said...

I don't know your story...I just hopped over here from a link on Kelly Stamps' blog asking for prayer for your sweet family. I gather that you have had a terribly tragedy in your family lately. Just wanted to let you know how precious your twins are and how your faith and strength inspire me. May God be your source of hope and peace beyond understanding in the coming days, weeks, months, and years. I'm so, so sorry for what you are going through.

Kelly said...

I found your blog through Kelly's Korner. My heart breaks for you. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. I pray that God will continue to give you peace. You testimony is incredible. Please know that I will be praying for you as so many others are. I believe God will save many others through this.

Love in Christ,

Jamie Lynn said...

I found your blog through Kelly's Korner- and I am so sorry for your loss. I can not begin to understand what you are going through, but please know I will pray for you and your family. Continue having strength and know God is Good! Congrats on your new baby coming soon!
God Bless,
Jamie Harris

Alison McCormick said...

I was reading the prayer list from Kelly's Korner. My heart is absolutely breaking after reading your blog. I have 2 children and I can't imagine them both being taken away from me. Your faith and peace give me hope. I hope that if I was in the same situation I would be able to do the same. The past few weeks I've been complaing about normal things and this has given me a good kick in the butt. I pray continued peace and understanding for I cannot imagine what you are going through. I pray your mom finds peace also. Your thoughts on your blog have been a blessing to me and I find renewed peace and strength in myself after reading your words. Please take care and we will be praying!

Lori Griffin said...

I know your heart is broken. My heart just breaks for you, Gregg and your family. Gregg and my husband Joey used to work together. Gregg is such a nice guy and although I do not know you, by keeping up with your blog I have seen what a great mother, wife and christian you are. The pictures of the twins are precious!

Erica @ All About Aleigha said...

I just found your blog through another & my heart aches for you. I'm so sorry for your loss & can't imagine the pain.Praying for you & your family.

Susie said...

Sweet babies. I linked you from Kelly's Korner. I admire your faith and am praying for you and your family.

Stephanie Wood Smith said...

I don't know you or exactly what happened, but I want you to know that I've gone to bed the past few nights thinking and praying for you and your family. (I came across your blog on Kelly's Korner.)

Stephanie said...

YOU, Meredith, are an amazing Christian woman!! One day, God is going to say to you, WELL DONE as a mother, wife, friend, and daughter. I will keep you and the family in my prayers. AND, I will pray for your new little one as well. Best of luck with the pregnancy. And, you are so right....GOD IS GOOD!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I pray for healing for your broken heart...grace...mercy...peace. May the Holy Spirit fill the void in your life and give you comfort and strength to continue to witness through your sadness and loss.
Love in Christ-
An Alabama Christian

Gayle @ thewestiecrew said...

I saw your link from Kelly's blog, but we knew of the accident the night it happened because it went out on our church prayer chain.
We go to Evangel in Alabaster where Mrs. Ketcham (Robyn Driver's mom) put it out.
I have thought of you a thousand times since then, dear one. Just know that you can add one more family to the list of many that are lifting each of you up.
Much love to you...

Heather said...

Meredith, I Love you guys and pray for ya'll and think about ya'll so many times throughout the day. My heart breaks for you, I can't totally imagine your pain from your view, but as a mother I can't imagine losing a child more less 2.
At least we've got our Heavenly Father we can lean on in these times, and your faith is strong, I have seen that.

Stacy said...

Although we don't know each other, our children play together today!! My daughter drowned at the age of 16 months old. I could never get the thought out of my mind if she was wondering why I wasn't there to help her, like I always was. I to believe that the Lord took my child for a reason that is beyond our reach, but my husband and myself gave our hearts to the Lord after Bethanie passed away. I am praying for your whole family and would like to let you know if you need anything just email me and I will be happy to lend an ear!
In loving memory of Bethanie Nichole 03-29-99 to 07-01-00

Autumn said...

What beautiful children.. I am praying for you daily.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you and your husband I preys are with you I followed ur link from kelly and ill keep reading

M. Congleton said...

I came across your website through Kelly's Korner. I am heartbroken for you and praying often for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your family.

Meg said...

Your children were beautiful, once again, I cannot imagine being you. I am sure they are singing and playing with Jesus as I type.

Anonymous said...

I found youthrough Kelly's site and I just wnated to tell ou that I am so sorry for your loss. YOu have been in my heart since I have learned of it, and you are right- Satan will not get the Victory on this! Just know you are being prayed for.
Laura from FL

ashpuck said...

My heart is just broken for you and your family. I wish there was something I could say. I will be praying for you.


Anonymous said...

I lift u and your family in daily prayers...praise God that you allow God to be there for you and u seek peace and comfort from him...God bless you and your family

Deborah Anne Whitfield said...

My heart breaks for you. I love the pics...they are precious children. I will be praying for you and the your current pregnancy.

kellykelley224 said...

Your faith is an example for anyone. May God bless you and your family during this time of loss. It is comforting that your faith is so strong after the loss of your sweet babies. This what you have put into words is an inspiration for everyone who will read it. You are obviously an amazing woman and mother.

My wife is an avid blogger and came accross your page. She told me about it and then told me tonight about your posts. By reading your blog and seeing the support that night your faith is an example for all. I am one of the medical flight crew that transported your son from the hospital to Birmingham. The tremendous support was a sight to behold that night and me being a father its humbling to read your posts.

God Bless you and your family.

Alexa said...

praying for you... I know we don't know each other but, stories like this make me hopefull for the day when we will all be in that beautiful blue sky. I'll be thinking of you often and forever!

Anonymous said...

I beleive that when your babies went into the water Jesus reached down and took them. I don't beleive they ever knew. I'm a grandmother, hold your mother up to the Lord. She so needs you. She sees and fills your pain.You are so blessed to know the Lord as you do. Ga.

Rhyan said...

Gregg and Meredith,
Almost 2 weeks ago when we lost one of our sweet babies I came across a song by Steve Curtis Chapman. It is called With Hope. We used in it Sabrina's service and since coming across your blog and hearing your story it is playing again, over and over in my mind, reminding me of your beautiful babies and of your faith. You inspire me. I read your words and they give me hope. I know the pain you are feeling is overwhelming but the fact that you continue on in your faith teaches me how we are to live. I am praying for you today and always. May the peace of our Lord cradle you in His love.

Steven Curtis Chapman
Speechless (1999)

This is not at all how
we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
we had so many dreams
and now you've gone away
and left us with the memories of your smile

and nothing we can say
and nothing we can do
can take away the pain
the pain of losing you

But we can cry with HOPE
we can say goodbye with HOPE
'cause we know our goodbye is not the end
oh no
and we can grieve with HOPE
'cause we believe with HOPE
there's a place by God's grace
there's a place where we'll see your face again
we'll see your face again

And never have I known
anything so hard to understand
and never have I questioned more
the wisdom of God's plan
but through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done

and I imagine you
where you wanted most to be
seeing all your dreams come true
'cause now you're home
and now you're free

and we have this HOPE as an anchor
'cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true

so we wait with HOPE
and we ache with HOPE
we hold on with HOPE
we let go with HOPE

This is the day that The Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Phil and Kristi Jansma said...

Just wanted you to know your story has touched my heart, and I have been praying for your family this month. Thank you for being a living testimony to the world of what it means to trust the Lord. Our family went through a difficult time this past year and a song that the Lord used to help me through was "Your Faithfulness" by Brian Doerksen. You can view the video on our website We can trust God's faithfulness!

Praying in Papua New Guinea,
Kristi Jansma

OUR WILD ZOO! said...

Your story has left a permanent impact on me. I think of you daily and you have not left my heart or mind. I am interceding and praying peace. strength. courage. You have such an amazing testimony and you absolutely shine with grace. Your children are beautiful, so precious.

Sheila said...

Dear Merideth & Gregg
First of all let me say I am so sorry for you loss. Your children are beautiful and I am looking forward to meeting them in Heaven one day. I am so thankful you know our Lord and are comforted by Him during this time. I lost my 20 year old son to cancer 14 years ago. I know the pain I went through and still go through at times although time does ease it and God gives me such wonderful memories and amazing pictures of Tony in Heaven! Life is so hard but God is so good. We don't understand when He takes our children, it seems so unnatural to out live them. But I am thankful that He has been able to use me to comfort others with similar losses and I know He will use you in the same way. So amazing to hear about the ones that have been saved through your tragedy! Tony's step brother and stepfather were both saved after his illness and death. When he was dying, he couldn't talk but he used a letterboard to spell words out and communicate with us. He said if he could go back and change things and not be sick anymore he wouldn't. Because so many people had grown closer to each other and to God because of his illness. He was such a wonderful witness even while dying. I am praying for your family.

Sheila Johnson
Berea, KY

Leah said...

My heart is broken for you. I pray God gives you strength and comfort right now.

kelly said...

what can i say that hasn't already been said? my heart is full of pain for you and joy for the peace the Lord has placed in you. continuing to pray in atlanta.

Anonymous said...

Ramer Family, my heart is just broken for you. I am so, so sorry. I am amazed and inspired by your faith and your eternal perspective, though I know your human side hurts beyond all imagination. Your son and daughter are simply precious and now beautiful angels with the Father. Praying for the three of you & your extended family as well in Columbia, South Carolina.
Love, Laurie Epting

lindsey said...

God has really put you on my heart and I promise you I am turning those thoughts into prayers and I will continue to. Sending love from Texas

PartyofFive said...

I found you from Kelly's Korner. I cannot imagine your pain and loss. I am so, so very sorry.

Julia Ladewski said...

wow. my prayers go out to you. i won't even imagine that i have the words to say to you. and while you don't know me or probably anyone leaving comments, know that you are being prayed for. i pray that God continues to heal your heart.

Anonymous said...

There are no words that I can say other then a follow mom in CA is praying for you and your family everyday. I am so so sorry for your loss.

Unknown said...

I am still praying for you and hurting for you and with you!! Love ya!

Anonymous said...

You are such a strong young women in Christ. As I write this I can't imagine the pain you and your family are going through; however, God will sustain you as you already know. As I read the comments posted, it is so obvious how God is using you not only in Opp,AL but all over the US and the world. God has amazing plans for you and your husband, oh how many you are going to win to him. As your children are in the arms of Jesus right now, know that they love you and await the moment to be reunited as a family again. We all have work to do in His kingdom and should take more of a boldness as you have and share His wonderful love to all. May His peace and strength be with you