August 31, 2009

I do NOT have it together

Just so everyone knows and I can admit it to help myself, "I DO NOT HAVE IT TOGETHER" I am falling apart and constantly praying for God to pick me up and help me stand. I am not strong. I am barely hanging on. I am barely able to stand when I walk into my empty, silent house that once was full of laughter and chaos and joy. I drive home from work everyday in the rain although a drop never touches my windshield. It's hard on the drive home that use to consist of me doing "going on a bear hunt" or singing "old macdonald" or passing the road that I so many times turned down to pick up my kids. Now it's just a straight, quiet drive. I am angry. I am heartbroken. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do I think everyday that I have to be strong? I keep myself from breaking down throughout the day because I so long to be a witness for my Heavenly Father. I long to hear how proud He is of the strength I have allowed Him to shine through me. But God gave us tears, he gave us emotions. And I need to quit expecting myself to hold it together. I need to let my guard down and show the world that I am dying inside but that the reason I will live through this tragedy is because I have a faithful, Heavenly Father who is right beside me through every tear, catching them before they ever hit the ground. He is right beside me with his arms wrapped around me so that I know once my breakdown is over, I can fall into comfort and He will be there. He is right beside me whispering great images into my mind of my precious children at the feet of Jesus singing Hallelujah. He is with me always and I know that. I feel him. I need to let go and let God comfort me like he is longing to do. He can't comfort me if I hold it all in. He wants to hear from me. He wants me to tell him what is going on in my life. He knows, he sees me, he is crying with me. He just wants me to reach out and touch him. I have always known who God is. My entire life. But now I can really tell you who God is. He is the one there for me to cry out to. He is the one there for me to plead with. He is the one there wiping my tears away. He is the one there holding my babies until we are reunited and He can hand them to me once more for forever next time, not just for 2 years. He understands when noone else can. He understands when I have no words to say. He understands my tears. I hope that each one who reads this, relies on God. Understand that He is real. He wants us to be real. He created us with tear ducts for a reason. Cry out to God. You don't have to say anything. He understands our tears.

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

Of course you don't have it all together. You just lost a huge part of YOU and your husband. Take time to feel emotions. This will somehow make you stronger and closer to God. There is nothing that can be said to make you feel better. Just know that I am praying for you, your husband and your mother who must be an emotional mess. I am so sorry this happened to all of you. karyn

Anonymous said...

Dear Meredith,

I've written you once before. I live in North AL and heard about your story from our pastor at Whitesburg Baptist Church. I am praying for you. I have also experienced the loss of a child, but not in the way you have and not both of my children at the name time. I cannot truly relate. I won't say I know how you feel, because I don't and no one truly does expect God himself. Continue to rely on Him. He will give you grace sufficient for each moment. It is OK to fall apart. You are a witness to people around you even if you fall apart. Falling apart shows them you are real and human and you hurt, but like you said when you allow Him to pick you up then they see the hope you have in Jesus. Continue to fight the good fight. You and your husband are being lifted up in prayer constantly. I am also praying for your mother and your relationship with her. Satan would love to bring division in your relationships through this event.
Do not give him victory. I pray that your mother is also relying on the Lord and that you are comforting each other. If you feel so led, please speak of her on your blog and let us readers know how she is doing. I've heard it said that grandparents love grandchildren even more deeply that children so I cannot imagine her grief. Let her know she is also being covered in prayer. May the Lord bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you, may He be gracious to you, and give you peace. (Numbers 6) Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning (Lamenatitions 3). Praying for your "morning" to come!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for letting Him shine. Thank you.

Tina

Allison said...

I just found your story a couple of days ago. My heart breaks for you over and over again as I read your posts...but I am humbled, comforted, and reminded to praise God even when its hard in my own life. You may not have it together but your faith is a testimony to me to turn to Christ Jesus even when I hurt because ultimately he will be the one to pick me up off the ground. Know that I am praying for you daily as you heal. HUGS

Ajay said...

I appreciate your honesty. It sound real and what I would imagine such pain to feel like...and God does receive glory through it because we can see that along side your emotions we see your CHOICE to lean on the Lord. You could easily let your emotions and pain turn to bitterness and anger, but we hear you're doing all you can to lean on the Lord and that is all God asks of us is to lean on Him.

There is a song that's been in my heart for the past couple of days. A song about loss called "Held" by Natalie Grant. Maybe it would bring you some comfort on those long drives in the "rain". Some of the lyrics say "..when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive...". You will survive this as you let the Lord hold you. Ajay

Anonymous said...

I have been thinking of you each and every day since I found your blog. Know that we are praying for you and your family. I don't know of anything harder for a parent than losing their child, much less 2 children. I am also wondering how the grandma is doing who was babysitting them at the time. I know this must be especially hard on her.

La Nouvelle Femme said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's understandable that you don't have it all together yet. I'm sure it will get easier every day. We're all with you and supporting you as you are going through this tragedy.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Anonymous said...

So proud of you for letting your emotions out.

Alexa said...

nothing to say, but as long as y our heart is breaking, his is breaking for you.. ♥ loving on you and following your journey!

kelly said...

i don't know the right words. praying for you lots from atlanta!

Anonymous said...

Meredith, you are so right to be honest and transparent. That is authentic Christianity - to let others see the hurt and the spiritual healing that only Christ can give. Still praying in SC.
Love, Laurie Epting

The Morris Family said...

Meredith,
As one knowing what your feeling, one of 3 yr. twins with the Lord, 1/23/07, you desperately need to let all the tears flow freely, every burst of anger maybe even shout or hit the bed or something, God is bigger than your emotions and He desires you to collapse into his breast and express any and all you want. It has been an incredibly long and difficult journey for my heart. Our family has always trusted and believed in God's sovereignty, but like you said, this trial makes one question, yet as we simply act as child and come to our Father He whispers his truths to our hearts about HIS person, his heart and his character. To be honest I went through the anger stage for about 7 months and then it was almost like overnight,a quiet peace that has allowed me to embrace the plan but it does not get rid of the ache and the pain. Once we come to that place and it takes many people longer and some shorter, there is no schedule, but I believe with all my heart you will get to that place of a quiet rest, a place of resting and not wrestling and for me God used the scriptures. He would give me one, I would step on it, meditate on it and wait til the next and then I would get on that one and so forth and I am here today because of the scriptures being a stepping stone. I was mad at God, my family and any one that got in my way. Please do not feel like you have to measure up for anyone, let your emotions and mommy heart flow, its a release of the deep pain that words can not describe. I so wish I could pick you up an fast forward you a bit, but each one has to "walk" through the valley. I read two books that truly helped, one is "Safe in the Arms of God by, John MacArthur. He's a very sound pastor and has great insight from the Word. The other is "From Grief to Glory" by James Bruce III.

I want so to be any help I can if needed

Cindy
13blessings@sbcglobal.net

momeeof3 said...

I am new to your blog, I found it through another blog. We have started praying for you and your husband, and mother as well. I can't imagine the pain that you have right now, and to let GOD shine through, is just amazing. We will continue to pray for your family.
With love from
California

Kimberly said...

So true. Praying.

dg darling said...

Just wanted you to know I still pray for you. I am so glad that you let it all out! What a terrible thing it would be if you felt that you had to "get over" this! Keep trusting in Heavenly Father. He is so very proud of you for being an example of faith and hope. I was just wondering, how is your mom doing?

Anonymous said...

Meredith,
Sending you a hug from Georgia.
Love,
Debbie

lindsey said...

none of us will ever know your pain....what we do know is how blessed your twins are to have You as their Mom......sending love and prayers. I promise you my prayers and love are with you, I say that and mean it.

Anonymous said...

Meredith,

Anyone who knows you, KNOWS that you do not have it together!!! We see the pain everyday in your's and Gregg's eyes (they are empty), your smiles (they are forced), and we hear it in your voices (they hold no joy). For those of us who know you two the best it is written all over your face and we see it each and everyday! Don't you for one second feel that you need to explain to anyone why you may appear to be doing well. Of course you are not doing well, some people are just guarded with there emotions and don't just share them with everyone, and there is nothing in the world wrong with that, everyone handles pain differently (and either way is the right way). You are such a wonderful and caring woman, and right now you are dealing with the most difficult thing that could have happened; and there is not a right or wrong way to do it!!! You have a peace that most people never know, because they are not as close to our Lord as you are. I look up to you in that way, you truely let HIM carry you through the storm. Dont ever feel as if others are judging you for that because i promise you they are all just as much in awe of you as i am, and for those who are not we should just pray for them because they don't know our Jesus. I love you very much and if you ever need me you just call me and im there!!!

GiGi

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry! There are no words that can be said--I can not even wrap my mind around what you are going through. I am praying or you. Love--Erika Allison in MS

The Lockwood Family said...

Praying...

Kimberly said...

Never mind about having it together...CRY CRY on JESUS...I'm so sorry for your loss but to Heavens GAIN of your 2 beautiful children..... I'm praying for you...I can not imagine....Jesus is in CONTROL of EVERYTHING!! May He wrap His ARMS AROUND YOU and your WHOLE family...I wake up in the night and you and your mom are right there and I pray for Jesus to hold you all up.

Stephanie said...

Meredith, I have left you several post and I will continue to leave you messages. You and your family are on my mind all throughout the day everyday and I continue to pray for peace for you all. I think many bloggers can agree with me that we are crying with you on the other side of the computer. We are not going through the pain you are having to go through but we are crying for the pain you are going through. You are an amazing Christian woman who I hope to be more like.
Love,
Steph

clauvas said...

God is good. Let HIM embrace your pain; He's taking care of you and your husband.
You are in thoughts and pryers

Our wild zoo! said...

Your transparency and honesty is commendable. The way you lean into Him is your true testimony...not that you "have it all together". I think you're amazing, strong, and such a witness in the way you're allowing the Lord to shine as your Rock. He is the redeemer and has His arms wrapped tightly around you. My heart breaks for you and I continue to pray.

Anonymous said...

My heart hurts for you and I pray for your entire family as you go thru this grieving process. Hang on to the truth of His Word.
Karyn in Florida

Katie said...

Praying, praying, praying. There are no other words.

Kelly said...

Meredith,

Thank you for sharing your story, for being so honest and so true, and for showing such tremendous love for God.

I've thought about you and your family every day (several times a day)since hearing your story.

Your children were so blessed to have known Jesus and been raised in such a God loving home. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

As a mother, to read your pain is just too much. My words can not describe how I wish I could help you.

I know you have faith and faith is everything. May GOD hold you in his grip, and bring some peace.

My thoughts & prayers are with you daily.

You twins are beautiful, I hope you share more of there lives with us.

Thank you.

The Dornons said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Dornons said...

My heart aches for you. I have a twin brother, and oddly enough, our birthday is July 29th. I get what you mean when you say they need to be together, because as twins growing up your BEST friend in the WORLD is that person that was made to be w/you, your twin, and I hope that you find peace in knowing they're together. My prayers are with you and your family for healing. Praise God for those 4 lives saved by this tragic circumstance. - Jaimie

Anonymous said...

Meredith-

you DO not know me...I found your request for prayer on Kelly's Korner...I am a mommy of surprise TWINS too!!! and my heart bleeds for you....I cannot imagine!!! My BIGGEST fear has always been my girls' safety!!! I realize that I am NOT always able/going to be able to PROTECT them.....oh Meredith YOU and your mom (how is she dealing and coping) and your hubby and the whole extended family has been on my mind, heart, and in my prayers since I 1st read about you!!!!

PRAYING!!!!!!!!! all the way from MN...

Janell
simplyjanell@yahho.com

Anonymous said...

For this is what the LORD says: "I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem. When you see this, your heart will rejoice and you will flourish like grass; the hand of the LORD will be made known to his servants... Isaiah 66:12-14
God is with you always and your strength is an amazing testimony. May you find peace and comfort in the arms of God.
You and your family are on my heart and in my prayers.

Joyce said...

Your children are beautiful. I too am praying for you, for your husband, for your mother and all of your family who are touched by your unimaginable loss. And for the health and safe arrival of your new little one who will be here soon.

I pray you feel the strength and power of all the many prayers being said on your behalf. I pray God grants you His peace which surpasses all human understanding.

I think you need never explain your feelings...we have not walked in your shoes. I am so glad you have a strong faith and trust in God and a relationship with Him that can bring you comfort we cannot.

Thea said...

If you seemed like you had it together it would probably be cause for concern...I have read adn wept over your posts and your family...the grief you are processing through that I cannot imagine. I have sought God for you motivated by nothing more than the fact that I, too, am a mom and often struggle to find ways for Him to shine through me just in my daily life.

I pray that in the weeks, months...years ahead, you will be able to look back and see the perfect protection of the Lord over you as you walk this very unfair and torturous road. There is a beauty in you taht can be seen in your posts - in your desire to please the Lord and in your great love for your children and your family.

The Lord bless and keep you and make His face shine upon you.

Thea

Jenifer said...

I believe in God and His and how strong he is I know he is with you holding and I am preying for you

Cassandra said...

HI I just read your blog for the first time I linked to it from Kellys Korner. I am so Sorry for your loss. We lost our baby girl at birth and I can relate to much of what you say. To lose two children at once well Words cannot express. I was angry but I turned that anger towards God . I could not find any comfort. Now nearly five years down the track I am again on "speaking terms with God".
I am typing this in floods of tears. Kia Kaha ( that is Maori for "be Strong!") arohanui "Much love"
from a kiwi girl in New Zealand.

Anonymous said...

Be careful driving! Don't let your mind wander and have an accident.
After my dad died my mind would wander while driving and I wouldn't remember parts of the drive home. Scary!!
Prayers to you and your family.
Best wishes for your baby girl on the way.Take care of yourself and seek counseling for you and your husband it may help. You haven't mentioned how your husband is dealing. Men sometimes have a harder time showing emotion and dealing with grief.
Theresa from KY

Kim Turman said...

Meredith,
I just read this this morning and thought of you. He heals the heartbroken and bandages their wounds. He counts the stars and assigns each a name. Our Lord is great, with limitless strength; we'll never comprehend what He knows and does. Psalm 147:3-5 I know you know this, but just felt I should write this to you. We are praying for you today and everyday.

Anonymous said...

I have prayed continually for you to realize that being strong does not mean denying yourself the release of the pain. I love you tremendously and I would take every bit of this away, if only I could. There is no denying that I miss them, but Mere, I hurt so much for my baby sister. I can not understand what you feel, but I do know what I feel and I know how I hurt. I don't have an empty house, but I do have a constant reminder of what my sister does not have. I can not compare our pain and I never would try, but my pain leads me to pray for you constantly. I love you! You may not have it together, but there is nothing wrong with that. I would be honored if you would allow me to hold you as you broke down. Anytime you need me, I am here.
Sis

The Morris Family said...

Meredith,
The death of one of our twins and your twins has brought us to the lowest, darkest, loneliest place a mommy could ever be. I read again this verse this morning and wanted to share it with you;

Jesus therefore again groaning in himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave, and a stone lay upon it. (John 11:37)

He is with us at our darkest place like he was here in this scripture with Mary and Martha. The deepest place of agony liken unto a cave, he is there. Like our hearts feel as a stone crushing our breath, he can remove it as He said in the next verse, "take ye away the stone." He tells us to believe, trust him with our little ones and we shall see the glory of God, (v.40) And the last verse there in v. 44 says, "loose him." Our babies are loosed from the pains, horrors of this world. He groans with us and feels with us.

I am praying for you like Elisha prayed and asked for a double portion, I am praying the Lord will give you a double portion of grace, comfort, peace as you are grieving double.

Cindy