August 31, 2009
I do NOT have it together
Just so everyone knows and I can admit it to help myself, "I DO NOT HAVE IT TOGETHER" I am falling apart and constantly praying for God to pick me up and help me stand. I am not strong. I am barely hanging on. I am barely able to stand when I walk into my empty, silent house that once was full of laughter and chaos and joy. I drive home from work everyday in the rain although a drop never touches my windshield. It's hard on the drive home that use to consist of me doing "going on a bear hunt" or singing "old macdonald" or passing the road that I so many times turned down to pick up my kids. Now it's just a straight, quiet drive. I am angry. I am heartbroken. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do I think everyday that I have to be strong? I keep myself from breaking down throughout the day because I so long to be a witness for my Heavenly Father. I long to hear how proud He is of the strength I have allowed Him to shine through me. But God gave us tears, he gave us emotions. And I need to quit expecting myself to hold it together. I need to let my guard down and show the world that I am dying inside but that the reason I will live through this tragedy is because I have a faithful, Heavenly Father who is right beside me through every tear, catching them before they ever hit the ground. He is right beside me with his arms wrapped around me so that I know once my breakdown is over, I can fall into comfort and He will be there. He is right beside me whispering great images into my mind of my precious children at the feet of Jesus singing Hallelujah. He is with me always and I know that. I feel him. I need to let go and let God comfort me like he is longing to do. He can't comfort me if I hold it all in. He wants to hear from me. He wants me to tell him what is going on in my life. He knows, he sees me, he is crying with me. He just wants me to reach out and touch him. I have always known who God is. My entire life. But now I can really tell you who God is. He is the one there for me to cry out to. He is the one there for me to plead with. He is the one there wiping my tears away. He is the one there holding my babies until we are reunited and He can hand them to me once more for forever next time, not just for 2 years. He understands when noone else can. He understands when I have no words to say. He understands my tears. I hope that each one who reads this, relies on God. Understand that He is real. He wants us to be real. He created us with tear ducts for a reason. Cry out to God. You don't have to say anything. He understands our tears.